Help

It really isn’t so much of a help but question to everyone.

 

As you have read from my previous post a coworker knows Supergirl.  She has talked  to her, she has taking her picture as she has with numerous other children at the school.

B showed up at my door last week and I told him.  He doesn’t think it is a good idea to have this coworker take pictures of Supergirl or talk to Supergirl.  He doesn’t want it to come back and bite me in the ass and just make the relationship worse with L.  Don’t know how that can happen but that is another story all together.

So on Thursday, M comes up to me at work and tells me that she talked to Supergirl.  She made a comment about her shirt and Supergirl just opened up.  This is how she is.  Then M told me that she may have some pictures of Supergirl that she had taken on Halloween at the school when she was there and had taken many pictures of all of the kids in their costumes.  She gave those to me last night.  At the time that she took them she did not know Supergirl in her relation to me.  These were just random pictures of a girl that looked super cute in her outfit.

I was in tears both nights.  It will not continue much longer as M’s son is leaving the school at the end of this school year and will be going on to kindergarden.  Supergirl will be at this school for another year for preschool.

 

So I was wondering. 

 

Is it a bad thing? 

 Will this hurt my relationship with L? 

 I almost want to tell my therapist about it but while I know she won’t say anything about it I will wonder if she will think that I am going to means that are not the best inorder to know about my girl.

 

Week recap

So I promised to let everyone know what has been going on.

I had a visit on Monday.

It was so great to see Supergirl again.

But here is the thing.  I was waiting for it to be cancelled.  I shouldn’t have to call my house 3x on my way to the restaurant to see if the visit was cancelled.  I should not be afraid to take a shower because I would miss a phone call telling me it was cancelled.  I should not be afraid to dry my hair because then I would miss a phone call cancelling the visit.

So besides all that it was raining.  It started as I was getting into my car and no asking the goddess to hold the rain off until at least 2pm so that I could be outside with Supergirl and get some pictures of my own.  But no; the goddess was not listening to me that day.

So I get there.

I park my car and noticed as I am pulling in that they are all ready there.  So I go walking in and take a quick look and don’t see them.  L comes walking up to me and Supergirl was following.  Okay lunch is fine.  90 minutes, great memories.  More on how Supergirl is more like me and my family then them on another post.

I go and do some shopping at A.C. Moore and Michael’s and then head home since I was going up to C’s apartment for dinner and some goober time.  Ok, go and start my drive onto the on ramp to the highway and hit a patch of water and begin to go hydroplaning and instead of going off the on ramp and down the embankment I over compensate and do a 180 and go off the on ramp onto the grass.  Slam my knee on the gear shift and my elbow on the arm rest.  I slammed my shoulder on something but I don’t know what.  Get out of my car and look and see how bad my car is.  Besides a bunch of mud and grass in my passenger rim and cracking a piece on my car, it is fine.

It was fixed in about a 1/2 hour and all is well.

Then I go into work on Tuesday and I am showing a coworker a picture of Supergirl and I had told M about her a few months ago she never saw a picture.  She is looking at the picture and goes:  “I know her.” So she tells me how she knows her.  Her son goes to the same school as Supergirl and she is there all the time so she takes pictures and the kids know her and she also takes pictures for different things throughout the year.  She is going to take extra pictures of Supergirl and give them to me.  I now have another way to find out how she is doing when L won’t answer a call and I cannot call to set up a visit.

 

I apologize

I am sorry for being so remiss and not writing anything. I am working on a few posts and may even post 2 in 1 day.

Do you think you will be able to handle that.

It has been a busy week. I will say this.

visit

car accident

small world news

lack of sleep

insurance

friends

work

pictures

 

It’s a small world

My world got smaller this week.

Was it a good thing? a bad thing? Not really.

I have become friends with one of B’s exes. She has the same name as I do and we are the same age. Come to find out this week she noticed that I worked at McD’s and the same time she worked there. We have been talking about people that we knew while we worked there and I had to tell her the bad news about one of our friends, Cindy, who passed away from lung cancer about 7 years ago.

Then since I had such a bad week I decided to go out and up to the club last night. I was pulling into the parking lot and there was a car pulling up to exit and it was B. So I go walking in and people start coming up to me telling me what great timing I had and B was just there and he may be back.

Great.

I just want a night to relax, hang out with my friends and not worry about any drama. Well, he didn’t show back up but he was talking to L as she was coming back in and said, “She doesn’t talk to me anymore” didn’t realize that was a problem. “didn’t realize you two became such good friends” well you did make me try to hate her.

The reason he was out? R is in jail, no big surprise there. He is in jail for back child support payments. When I went and told T about it today her only question was “which one?” I don’t know it could be one of 2 people. It was just nice to get out.

Then there is 19 hours until the visit. Fingers crossed. Knock on wood.

 

I’ve been tagged

My friend Tara and it appears Oceans have tagged me and so I will try to come up with 6 random things about me.

1) I hate horror movies - well - trully dislike them. I would rather watch a comedy or a romance comedy. Which is sad because my first movie I saw was “Children of the Corn”. I spent New Year’s Eve a few years ago at a friends and we watched a horror movie. I think the best part about it was when R, my friend T, boyfriend, screamed and almost fell off the bar stool.

2) I am a reader. I can, if the mood strikes me, read 3-4 books a week. I am not talking thin, skinny books. I am talking books that are atleast 300+ pages. I am currently going thru the Henry the XIII period and the Tudors. Fiction, nonfiction it doesn’t matter.

3) I am related to royality. I am related to Lady Jane Grey, the 9 day Queen of England who was related to Henry the XIII. I am also related to the first published poetress in the new world and I had relatives called out as warlocks during the Salem Witch Trials.

4) I am incredibly shy. Almost to the point of I would rather stay at home then go out. I have been going to the same bar for years and I still don’t like walking in there because I am afraid that I will know noone there and be by myself.

5) I have never broken a bone. Never and that is from not trying. I remember falling out of a tree when I was little. Flying off a merry go round. Sometimes I tried. Never broke anything but I have pulled the tendons and ligaments in my elbow 2x and was told if I did it again I would need pins to hold it together.

6) I love to cook!! Not the simple things, hard boiled eggs, mac n cheese. I am talking a chicken dish that if I am not in a rush to cook takes over an hour. I will marinate chicken in different things to see how they taste, I can tell you that orange juice with garlic is a great marinade for a summer dish with cold pasta.

Now who to tag:

http://coleybell.wordpress.com/ coley

http://chasingashley.wordpress.com/ IBF

http://insideamothersheart.blogspot.com/ inside

http://secretbmom.blogspot.com/ Brown

 

Musings

I am back.

It was nice to just get out of town and escape from everything.  No computer.  No phone.  There was just me. I read, walked, watched the sunset and took pictures.  Slowly made my way South and stopped at another lighthouse and just sat and watched the ocean hit the rocks.  I watched people sunbathing in 50+ degree weather (don’t you just love New England in the Spring).

I did alittle shopping.  Some writing.  Some reading.  Watching tv (got some lessons on my French since some of the channels were from Canada and were French Canadian)  imagine watching Hereos in French?  Interesting indeed.

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I am to have a visit in a week and a day.  Here is the thing.  While I was excited about ALL my other visits this one is making me feel — bleh.

I am not liking that feeling.  I think right now that I am feeling “I will believe it when it happens and not before then.”  I told E about the upcoming visit and she still thinks that we should go to mediation.  However, I am a chicken shit.  I hate confrontation.  I really don’t like it at all.

I grew up with fights and abuse.  So much so that I don’t make up my mind.  I have a really hard time with it.  I would rather the decision be made for me and not have to make one for myself.  So I have been avoiding mediation with everything that is in me.  I am afraid on how it will turn out.

I mean really, it really cannot get worse then it all ready is.  I haven’t seen Supergirl since December 06 and haven’t gotten any new pictures since January.  The worse it can get is all contact stops.

 

2 days

There are now only 2 days before her birthday.

I sent her presents on Friday and I am sure as anything that they received the box on Saturday since I sent it Priority mail.  So I was just alittle shocked to get a call from L on Saturday.  She said “Haven’t forgotten you.”  Really, you want to try that one again. I think that the only reason why she called is because they received the box.

I wasn’t home.  Which in and of itself is a good thing.  Because then I would have just stared at the phone while it was ringing looking at their name in the caller id and wonder what this call is going to hold for me.

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I called back yesterday.

I left a message.

She called back

I heard Supergirl in the background

 I heard her laughter

 I heard her talking

I was filled in on the world of Supergirl.

I know that they got her a swingset for her birthday this year.

I know that she is a picky eater, eating only much of what I eat (tell that there is nothing to nature in this).

She doesn’t eat the same foods I don’t eat.  I am a picky eater.  B is a picky eater.  Even my cousin is a well known picky eater in the family.

Don’t tell me that there is nothing to Nature and it is all Nuture becasuse I will tell you that you are full of it!!!

 

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We talked about getting together.

There are 13 days until I hope (hope against anything) that I will see her again.  For my eyes to look into hers and for her to see a connection between us.  For me take my own pictures and not rely on the ones that she sends.

 

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I am still getting away.  I will be going to Rockland, Maine.  Why?  It just sounds nice and peaceful and quiet and of course there are lighthouses near by

 

Oh and to a beautiful friend who answered her phone.  Thank you Thank you and Thank you.  It helped to center and balance me for the night at work.

 

Books

I read.  Sometimes I really don’t know what I am looking for when I do.

I have read anumber of adoption related books.  I still do.  I look to see if there is any thing out there that will help me and my situation.  I haven’t come across any but then I don’t think I will.  Then everyone’s story is different and will not be like any one else’s.

I bought most of them.  E has given me some of them to help me with the fact that I was abused as a child.

Here is a short list:

 

The Spirit of Open Adoption

Life Givers

    both by James L Gritter

 

Saying Goodbye to a Baby: Patricia Roles

Healing the Child Within: Charles Whitfield

Without a Map: Meredith Hall

Then She Found Me: Elinor Upman

Waiting to Forget: Margaret Moorman

The Girls Who Went Away

Confessions of a Lost Mother

 

I keep looking.

I keep looking for answers.  Answers as to why? 

I wonder what I am looking for.  What answers am I trying to find?  Am I going to find anything from them?

I don’t know and so I will continue to read.

 

 

2 weeks to go

There is now less than 2 weeks to go until Supergirl is 4.

 

I cannot wait to get out of town.  I am planning it now.  I am going to be going up the coast of Maine and stay in different parts of the state.  I plan on going to a favorite candle store.  They are along the lines of Yankee Candle but I like them just alittle bit more: www.villagecandle.com

I have all of her presents.  I have the box to mail them in.  I have started to wrap them up.  They will be mailed this week.  Why keep them in the apartment? Why keep them around?

 

Am I such a threat that they don’t want me in her life?

 

Why is it??

That I am held to a higher standard?

That I am the one who has to jump through hoops?

 That I am the one who is sitting here hurting?

That I am the one who needs to walk away?

That I am the one who won’t because of Supergirl?

That I am in the mood to argue with anyone about anything?

That I just want to show up on their doorstep?

That I want to drive by their house at all hours?

That I want to crank call them at all hours?

That I just want to get out of town?