I was sent a crushing blow the other day. I was all set up for a visit. A visit I haven’t had in months, now I am looking at maybe 14 months between visits.
I fought the urge to call the ex. I wanted to. I picked up the phone and called, his number is still not working. Thankfull about that. Then I hid out at a friends place for the afternoon. I kept going to Myspace and pulling up his page. My hand kept hovering above the message button, I wanted to send him a note. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to comfort me in the way that noone has been able too. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted to hear him say that, I really didn’t care what he said, as long as he was there.
I had told my friend, T, that I would need to go out this weekend. We went out. I spent the evening with friends and I laughed. I laughed to the point that my face hurt. I had tears, not from crying but from laughing. I was hoping before we left that he would not be there. I was glad that he wasn’t. I am still pondering sending him a message. My finger still hovers over that button.
Then I wonder what will I tell him? I went in and saw E today. I told her that I wanted to talk to him. That I kept going back to Myspace to go to his page and that I was close to sending him a message. Why after all this time that he is the one that I wish to run to? What would I say to him? Would I have anything to say to him? Would I be able to be polite to talk to him or would I let all of my anger out and just lash out at him?
I really don’t know and right now I am still glad that his phone does not work.
brown325 said,
January 22, 2008 @ 6:23 am
(((((HUGS))))
I’ve been there. I think it’s that no matter what they’ve put us through, we think that they are the only ones who can truly understand our feelings, because they too are the b-parent of our children, KWIM???
Hang in there love =)