Archive for birthmoms
April 2, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, birthdays, birthmoms, bitch, depression, life, rant, sorrow, stupidity, therapy, unhappiness, whine
…. is about to be raised.
I am tired.
I am worn out.
I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.
I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class) well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.
I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.
Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?
–Not really
It is because while I play the good girl. The nice girl. The pleasant girl.
The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.
March 11, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, birthmoms, depression, firstmothers, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, visits, whine
I don’t like this time of year.
While I like that the weather is getting warmer and the day lasts a little longer. My heat isn’t kicking on as much.
I hate the next 6 weeks.
In the course of the next 6 weeks my daughter will turn 5.
My grandfather will be gone for 4 years.
My last visit would have been a year ago.
The day that I forever changed my life will come.
The day that I held Supergirl for the first time will come and go.
The day that Biker Boy and I met the aparents.
Can I crawl under the covers now and wake up on May 1st?
August 1, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, birthmoms, depression, firstmothers, life, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness
Just a quick post to thank everyone for your words and hugs.
I appreciate them and you.
I am here.
Still trying to figure it out.
Still trying to understand.
Still trying to look at pictures.
In response to all 3 of the above. Can’t.
June 17, 2008
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, family, firstmothers, life, reunion · Tagged adoption, family, finding, life, myspace, reunion
Well, at least for my brother and sister-in-law. Their “secret” has enjoyed time with them. Has pictures with them and asked them questions. This “secret” is 17 1/2 years old and is beautiful. I may be biased as an Aunt but then again I don’t care.
I want to send her a message. But at the same time I don’t want to overwhelm her. Less then 2 weeks ago she just met her father, mother and 3 birth siblings. I want to know her. I don’t want to know her through my brother or my sister-in-law. I will, however, wait. I will give her time to get to know her family and to recover from meeting them.
When I talked to my brother I told him I wanted to know the how’s and the when’s. Come to find out that my nephew, eldest nephew, found E on myspace. She called her mom to come home from work and her mom had some questions for K, just to verify who she was and then everyone starting shouting.
All of this happened within 12 weeks.
From the time of that first message on myspace to the first face to face there was only 10 weeks.
March 9, 2008
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, firstmothers, life, therapy · Tagged enemies, Friends, life, Supergirl, therapy, work
I went out Saturday night and there a few friends out. Not many, since we are all resting for this weekend and the St. Patty’s party coming up this weekend. So while I was just relaxing and thinking that I could go home and get some sleep one person came up to me and said:
“So how is the baby? I know she isn’t a baby anymore but I hope you don’t mind me asking about her.”
I don’t talk to her anymore. She lied to me. She hurt me. I do not easily forgive. It is not my nature. Hurt me once, okay, but then again forget about it.
She said I didn’t appear as cold as I was the last time she was out.
Excuse me???? I didn’t talk to you then because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to this past weekend but I was hoping someone else would show up. Really, anyone.
So anyway, I told her that Supergirl is going to be 4 next month and that she doesn’t look like B anymore. They are friends on Myspace, I am sure she still talks to him so I will just put little things out there like this. I said it was better for her that she didn’t look like him.
Why is it the one person I don’t care for, besides B, that asks about Supergirl?
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On another note.
I told someone else about Supergirl.
Another coworker.
She just told some of us that she is pregnant. We were talking and I knew I would be able to talk about what is going on but I was quiet. She came over to my desk Friday and she was talking and I just made a comment about not being able to have red sauce with pizza or pasta while pregnant. She looked at me and I just said “Oh yeah, Supergirl will be 4 next month and she was placed for adoption.” Her first question “Where does she live, close I hope?” I could have cried at that point. So I told her where they live. She said that it is a good thing that they live close and that Supergirl is gorgeous. Ofcourse I think so but it is still nice to hear.
I was hoping that I would be getting a visit sometime soon but when I got a call from L she said that they were going on vacation later this month and how about we get together after they get back. ???? huh???? So I am hoping to get together soon but as it looks it could be in 3, 4, or even 5 weeks from now. She said before Supergirl’s birthday.
I hope.
February 10, 2008
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, life, rant · Tagged birthmothers, Friends, life, rant, tv
I admit it. I was a Friends junkie. I knew the stories. I knew the characters. I was happy when Rachel and Ross got together and yelled at the tv when Ross ruined it. I cried when Phoebe got married. I was happy when Monica and Chandler started their relationship and finally got it out in the open and married.
Then it was over. So I went and signed up for Netflix and added “Friends” to the list. I forgot some of it. Selective memory loss? Maybe. I forgot the episode when Rachel was in the hospital with the mix up with the ring.
Why did I forget? I was admitted to the hospital that night. 2 days later Supergirl would make her appearance known to all.
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Then there was Season 10. The final season. Monica and Chandler going through the adoption process. I don’t remember most of this season. When I watched it recently I yelled at the tv because of the way that they decided to play Erica, the birth mom. She was played as the truelly dumb blonde. To to it off. Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, there is the stereo type that she didn’t know who the dad was. She didn’t know that she was carrying twins. She left the screen and that was it and they (Monica/Chandler) were able to take the babies home on the same day. What I wonder now is: where were the car seats?
I don’t like Friends so much anymore.
November 27, 2007
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, life · Tagged eyes, me, smile, Supergirl, them
http://thanksgivingmom.wordpress.com/ had an interesting post about her daughters eyes looking like hers. It made start to think about Supergirl.
When she was born and right after the delivery: she was wrapped and I saw her. My friend, T, and I remarked on how she has the dent in her chin just like B. Her lips were formed in the same way. I look at her baby pictures and I see her lips and when I see her lips I see him.
She also had a dimple. A one-sided dimple. So that when she smiled only one dimple showed up. She got that from her 1/2 brother. I really don’t see it from B but then I don’t have alot of pictures of him and the ones that I do have, he isn’t smiling. But the pictures that I have of his son, C, you cannot miss it. It is on the same side.
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Then she started to grow and change. Who did she look like? Which side was she taking after?
Shortly after her first birthday she stopped looking like B and started to look more like me. That is what I saw. B only saw me and I only saw him when we looked at her pictures. Our way to hold on the the other? who knows.
I got their Christmas card in the mail yesterday. Her hair is curlier but then it has always been curly. Her hair is still medium-dark brown, and her eyes are still that beautiful blue that I fell in love with when she was 1 minute old.
Those that know about her here at work just looked at the picture and said that you can tell just from looking at the picture that she is mine.
I looked/studied her picture last night when I got home from work to just see what they were seeing and to continue to work up the nerve to see her next month.
So what can I call me when I look at her?
Her eyes
Her mouth
Her smile
Those are things that they will never be able to change about her or try to call their own and really — I like it that way.
October 4, 2007
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, firstmothers, whine
just walk away and tell myself that I did everything that I could?
Do I just sit back and take whatever that they let me have with Supergirl?
Do I just continue to kick and scream and be a thorn in their side?
It has now been over a week since I did what they said I had to do in order to get a visit. I asked for one.
My response: NOTHING!!
Am I mad, hell yeah!
Why does one side have to do all the work when we all signed the same piece of paper?
How do I explain this to Supergirl down the line?
I don’t say anything bad about her parents but really, it is very upsetting, frustrating, emotional to have the one thing you wish so close and yet so far. KWIM?
I won’t drive up to their place. I cannot do that. That would ruin any chance of a relationship now or later. I would have broken their trust and my word.
But what about them?
Can someone tell me that please?
September 30, 2007
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, firstmothers, life, therapy, whine
Things have still been busy. But I finally wrote them a note and asked about getting together for a visit in October. It has been almost a week and nothing.
Why is it that I have to keep my end of the deal but they are able to drop the ball whenever they care to?
Why are they allowed to show no respect for me but I have to continue to show respect towards them?
How do I look Supergirl in the eye years from now and answer her question “Why did you disappear from my life?”
How do I look her in the eye and tell her that it wasn’t me and that it was them?
Why are they allowed to hide behind their feeble minded excuses and I am not?
Why do I have to own up to my feelings and they don’t?
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I went and saw my doctor this week and I am beginning Zoloft this week. I am hoping to avoid the last 6 weeks of depression.
I am talking about life, work affecting depression. I went and told my supervisor at work. This way she can point out if I am not acting like myself and seem to be going around in a daze.
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I haven’t talked C and baby R in awhile. I like the kid. I like what C is doing. I hate his mom for being the stereo type for what a birthmom is seen as by many people who don’t know what is going on. She is a druggie. She dumped R off at her sisters and didn’t look back. She didn’t call her sister to see how he was doing. C only heard from her when she was served the papers telling her that she had to report to court. She didn’t come, she called the court and said that she had a dentist appointment!??! WTF!!! come on. If it was my child I would be there without hesitation. I would walk there if I had too.
Come to find out she was told from the state already that they would let her have R. They had already removed her other children. C doesn’t even know when R had his last shots. She now has to play catch up with everything.
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Otherwise trying to figure out why people are so unbelievably stupid about things that affect them every day.
Things like:
Birthmom was in incubator (ummm no)
Adoptees have no issues (you know this how)
Not telling them that they are adopted isn’t a bad thing and that you weren’t lied to (that is just so much bs)
September 23, 2007
· Filed under birthmoms, firstmothers, life, therapy
I have been extremely busy lately. I am working 6 days a week and have been trying to keep up with everything and everyone. Really hasn’t been working.
We started a new town at work and I am love working out the kinks of these new towns. This is our biggest town. We are talking anywhere from 15,000-18,000 runs a year. We got our first week of runs in and there is almost 200 runs per week so far. We are close to signing a contract with another HUGE town and we are talking about 20,000 runs per year. Now wonder I am working anywhere from 42-48 hours a week. It is tiring. Physically and mentally.
I am working on a letter to L&B. I have the envelope addressed. I haven’t gotten any further than that. I am hoping to have a visit in October and then another one in December. Why does it take so long to write a note on a piece of 4×6 paper? Probably because I am putting my heart and hope in it in the hopes that I get a good response from them.
I met another birthmom the other week. We had a great time just walking around and talking about everything. The only I forgot — to get a picture of the day. But I did pick up a votive holder that I will put alittle tag on it and where I bought it.
I am still trying to get on an antidepressant. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor. I don’t EVER want to be where I was at the end of last month/beginning of this month.
What else???????????????????
oh yeah, trying to eat, sleep and keep my health up.
