I see my daughters life in photographs now.
I don’t see her life with her. I see images of her and her life.
I see her smile but I don’t hear the laughter that comes from that smile.
I don’t see her singing.
I don’t see her.
All because “her Mother” cannot handle things.
Why is it necessary for one person to lie to make themselves feel better? to feel superior? to see the other person weakened?
Today is the 28th.
On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!
Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.
*edited to add
How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on? Is it a coping strategy for me?
I remember it was a Friday. Which means the phone call was on the 25th. Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before. I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.
How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?
How????
Supergirl graduated from preK last month. When, I don’t know. I just know it was last month. I sent a card. It was probably late since I have been dealing with the feelings of losing Nana and the bad news that keep coming at me. A dear friend informed me that his father has liver cancer and was given a 15% chance of 6+ months with chemo or 15% for 6 months without. He is going without chemo. He asked his ex, my other dear friend, to stop by and see him. She will as she has a patient in that area. Then another woman that my friend C and I know has finally called hospice. We knew this day would happen. All in the course of 8 hours.
Anyway……………………………
I am angry. I am angry that it has been over 14 months since I last saw Supergirl.
Last heard her laugh.
Last saw her smile.
Last heard her voice.
I am angry and it is making me depressed.
…. is about to be raised.
I am tired.
I am worn out.
I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.
I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class) well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.
I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.
Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?
–Not really
It is because while I play the good girl. The nice girl. The pleasant girl.
The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.
I don’t like this time of year.
While I like that the weather is getting warmer and the day lasts a little longer. My heat isn’t kicking on as much.
I hate the next 6 weeks.
In the course of the next 6 weeks my daughter will turn 5.
My grandfather will be gone for 4 years.
My last visit would have been a year ago.
The day that I forever changed my life will come.
The day that I held Supergirl for the first time will come and go.
The day that Biker Boy and I met the aparents.
Can I crawl under the covers now and wake up on May 1st?
I was really hoping that this would only be a one time thing. But I am still angry.
I am now angry at mother nature for dumping a foot of snow in Vermont. I am angry for not going up to Vermont. I need it. I need the break. I want the time to myself. So as of right now my plans to get Chinese food for Christmas Eve are on the verge of being cancelled. My plans to spend Christmas Day in comfortable clothes then going to the beach are on the verge of being cancelled.
the only up side???
E will be calling L this week. Hopefully she will be able to get in touch with her. I think if I get a phone call from L then I know that E talked to her. We shall see.
I have alot of anger right now.
Why? I am waiting for a 2 line note from L. Or even a 30 second phone call. Does she really keep going 24/7? Please. I am not that stupid. I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return. Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.
I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago. Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward. I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom. I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not. What would I gain out of it? NOTHING!! so why go there? It took over a year to get another visit. I don’t want to go through that again. It hurt. It still hurts.
Then I was saw E yesterday. She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C. WTF!!!!! So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.
Fucking Merry Christmas to me.
*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg. Yes, I was crying. I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.
I am trying to heal me.
Which is hard, at least for me. I look at things and place my worthiness on the shoulders of these people I asked to raise my daughter. I don’t need them to tell me every time that I see them that I matter. I believe in the saying “Actions speak louder then words”. I have grown leery of the words I see.
Biker boy telling me that I can call him anytime if I needed to talk and vent
Supergirl’s parents told me that they want an open adoption and will keep it open
Friends saying that they will keep my secrets
Those words were told to me and their actions speak volumes to me.
For some unknown reason to me but Biker boy has always been able to calm me and help me see things rationally, right now I need that. He finally got in touch with me but I didn’t answer the phone. I tried him back but nothing.
The “friends” let slip (bull they just talked) some very personal things I told them in confidence. I talk to them but I don’t tell them anything. They think we are friends again but my real friends know everything and will always be in higher regard then you.
Then their is Supergirl’s parents. what can I say about them? What can I say about that? Did we have a great relationship before all this. Hell no but I can tell you that it was a heck of a lot better then it is now and will probably ever be in the future. If and when they come to me and tell me that they would like to start visits again I will probably be like I was back in April. Texting a friend every 5 minutes. Calling my house every 5 minutes on the drive to meet. Pulling in the parking lot and looking for their car and if I don’t see that calling my house because now I think I missed a call telling me that there is no visit.
To me I just need a little action.
A note in the mail.
A quick little email.
A text sending hugs.
Some days I just didn’t realize how much others don’t have to give with a little gesture and how some people just always give that little gesture and I realize how much I like having them in my life.
Just a quick post to thank everyone for your words and hugs.
I appreciate them and you.
I am here.
Still trying to figure it out.
Still trying to understand.
Still trying to look at pictures.
In response to all 3 of the above. Can’t.
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 | Denise on Photos |
 | findingmaddy on The future |
