Archive for Ex's
November 20, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Unknown, bitch, rant, stupidity, unhappiness, whine
I am confused about anumber of things.
Biker Boy is back. Not back back but he calls me up, sends things on other sites. Tells me that we should get together. Tells me to call him so that we can talk. And I do. why? it is a tie to Supergirl. That way I can update her in her journal about what is going on. Is it good? no but I continue to call him. I continue to see him.
The other thing.
I tried to get some assistance with my fuel. So I called the number that I was given. Listen to their requirements and start to laugh and cry at the same time. With no overtime I make $2,000 too much to qualify for anything in the damn state I live in!!!!!!!!!!! but hell, if I was knocked up, if I was a single mother then I could get plenty. But nooooooooooooo, I had to make the “right choice” as a friend put it the other day and place Supergirl for adoption.
So, why am I know being punished for doing the “right thing”
October 26, 2008
· Filed under 10 things, Ex's, Friends, Unknown, firstmothers, life, lyrics, music, therapy, unhappiness
My SIL went and challenged all of her friends on Myspace for their top 10 songs. Well, a few weeks later I have somewhere close to that and will post them here and send her over.
*these are in no order
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
I’m a Bitch, I”m a lover, I”m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed.
Pretty much says it all
Straightjacket by Alanis Morissette
Something so benign from me, construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see
Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me.
I feel like sending this to Biker Boy and Supergirl’s parents. I don’t know what it is about this song but I loved it the first time I heard it and it is still a favorite! but there are many days when I feel that people don’t see me but they think that they know me.
Your Eyes from Rent
I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just to be
No Day but Today
no other words needed IMO
Incomplete by Alannis Morissette
One day I will be healed, I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
One day I will be faith filled. I’ll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.
I lost my trust 4 years ago, I am hoping one day that I will have it again. I am hoping that one day I will be complete since I have been incomplete for 4 1/2 years.
Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
People told me that I would forget the pain. Haven’t. they said that I would forgive those that hurt me. Haven’t.
September 7, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Friends, Unknown, adoption, life, mediation, music, therapy · Tagged adoption, life, mediation, speaking
It isn’t like I have been avoiding the blog. I just haven’t wanted to write.
Then a bunch of stuff happened in one day.
L agreed to the mediation!!! I am completely freaked by this!!! E asked if I had heard from C, 3rd party, this past week. No I haven’t. Which means that I will be getting the call. This scares the living daylights out of me. I am freaked that L agreed to this. I am freaked that E said she was positive about this.
Now I want to know what she will say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then E asked me if I wanted to speak again? Yes!!! Then she tells me that it will happen this month!!! What!?!?! I have spoken before. Except that time it was only me and another firstmom. E is hoping that this time there will be me, the other firstmom, an adoptee/adoptive parent and an adoptive parent. Less pressure on me.
Maybe I will remember this time not to hide what has really happened.
Maybe this time I will be able to say what sucks.
Maybe this time I will be able to say what happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then completely unrelated to it all.
I went out with my friend C, last night. Biker Boy is now the head of security at the bar which we hang out at which was recently sold and now under new ownership. Not a problem, really. Except when he comes up to me and puts his arms around me.
Then he tells me that a guy who is interested in my friend, C, is flirting with me. Ummmmm, no. Why are you jealous?
Then I got up to sing. The owner came up to me afterwards and told me that she wanted me in the karoake contest that starts – TONIGHT!!!
ack!! but after 10 weeks there is the prize of $500.00!!!
August 26, 2008
· Filed under 10 things, Ex's, Friends, Unknown, bitch, life, rant, sorrow, therapy, whine · Tagged bitch, life
Yes, I feel the need to do this again.
In case you didn’t read the first one. You write down 10 things without mentioning the person’s name. It works. I felt better after the last one.
1) WTF you complete idiot. You have no relationship with Supergirl but you ask me if I went through this hell again and am allowing a friend to raise a child of mine!!! You are not even worth me responding. However, I still let you know when I get pictures. How stupid does that make me?
2) I wish I could go home with you. I know that this week will not be easy. I was happy to know that you cried with your friends during the wake. This way I know that you are not holding it all in. You know I will be here for you when you get back. We will talk. We won’t talk. We will just be. And all of us will help you.
3) Are you trying to drive me insane!!! I really don’t know what to say to you anymore so I don’t. Are you guilty about something?? Something weighing on your mind and you don’t want to feel guilty so you are doing what you are doing? Believe me, I love getting them. But you are screwing with my mind and I don’t know how much more I can handle from you.
4) Are you upset with the fact that Supergirl is looking more and more like me? I hope you are because I am loving it. I love looking at her and seeing me and knowing that there will be none of you.
5) I am happy that Supergirl doesn’t look like you anymore. I am glad that I don’t have to look at her pictures and see you. I am glad that I can look at her pictures and not really notice you there.
6) Stop your flipping whining. I really don’t care if you feel you are getting bullied. Or that you feel that way. If you did your work and didn’t sit around and talk maybe you wouldn’t feel that way. You are the reason I cannot go home early if boss is not there.
7) It is about time you have a job. but did you have to get one at the one place that I happen to enjoy going to? Does it have to be the one place where I can go and not worry about you walking in the door? You know you are a little too tall to try and spy on me in the parking lot. I saw the looks I got when I went to give some guy friends a hug.
I cannot wait to see you again!! I need a girls day where we can talk about our beautiful girls and laugh and cry and just relax and not have to put on the “faces” to get through a day.
Okay, so there are only 8. that leaves me with 2 to throw in wherever, whenever, I want.
August 12, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Friends, Olympics, Unknown, books, life, television · Tagged books, confessions, life, Olympics, tv
yeap, here it is.. time to confess some things.
I watch the Olympics. Not so bad. I cry when, during the medal ceremony, it doesn’t matter what country is on the podium with gold I cry. Just to look at their faces in wonder at the moment. Of course it helps when some of them are just too cute! 
I yell at the tv! Friends can atest to this. They have heard me while we are on the phone and I am yelling at a stupid move or comment.
I have yet to finish the final Harry Potter book. -hides head- I am stuck in the woods. I admit it. However, since I have a bad habit, I have read the last chapter. Why I do this I don’t know. I do it will all books.
I have called Biker boy. Not once. Not twice. But atleast 3 times.
August 7, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Friends, Unknown, adoption, bitch, depression, life, sorrow, stupidity, therapy, unhappiness, visits, whine
I am trying to heal me.
Which is hard, at least for me. I look at things and place my worthiness on the shoulders of these people I asked to raise my daughter. I don’t need them to tell me every time that I see them that I matter. I believe in the saying “Actions speak louder then words”. I have grown leery of the words I see.
Biker boy telling me that I can call him anytime if I needed to talk and vent
Supergirl’s parents told me that they want an open adoption and will keep it open
Friends saying that they will keep my secrets
Those words were told to me and their actions speak volumes to me.
For some unknown reason to me but Biker boy has always been able to calm me and help me see things rationally, right now I need that. He finally got in touch with me but I didn’t answer the phone. I tried him back but nothing.
The “friends” let slip (bull they just talked) some very personal things I told them in confidence. I talk to them but I don’t tell them anything. They think we are friends again but my real friends know everything and will always be in higher regard then you.
Then their is Supergirl’s parents. what can I say about them? What can I say about that? Did we have a great relationship before all this. Hell no but I can tell you that it was a heck of a lot better then it is now and will probably ever be in the future. If and when they come to me and tell me that they would like to start visits again I will probably be like I was back in April. Texting a friend every 5 minutes. Calling my house every 5 minutes on the drive to meet. Pulling in the parking lot and looking for their car and if I don’t see that calling my house because now I think I missed a call telling me that there is no visit.
To me I just need a little action.
A note in the mail.
A quick little email.
A text sending hugs.
Some days I just didn’t realize how much others don’t have to give with a little gesture and how some people just always give that little gesture and I realize how much I like having them in my life.
July 6, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Friends, books, death, life, sorrow · Tagged authors, death, Friends, life, trauma, work
This has been a weird week.
They say that bad news comes in 3’s. Well, I ended up hitting that all in one day but I didn’t know it.
#1
My coworkers sister passed away on Tuesday. She was only 24 years old. She had Cancer and while she was going to get a bone marrow transfer, she caught Chicken Pox. Chicken Pox helped to bring her down. Sassy, I am sorry to hear about your sister and just know that now she is with your Mom and in no more pain.
#2
There was a news story that I caught just a bit of and was unable to hear about it on Tuesday. Come to find out it was my cubby mates nephew. He was hanging out with friends and he was dared to jump. He jumped. The riptide and current was so strong that when the sun set on Monday they had to suspend the search until Tuesday. J was not in the best spirits when I saw her. We all call her Mom. If you looked in her filing cabinets you would understand. Bandaids, ear phones, batteries, aspirin, Motrin, the all important Chocolate, slippers, scarf, etc.
#3
He was a local restaurant owner and author. He did things for Big Brother/Big Sisters. I met him a few times and had to say he was funny. He wrote 3 books and Biker Boy is in book two and Phil asked Biker Boy to be his bodyguard when they went on tour. Phil was even booked on The Tonight Show. Unfortunately, the ride fell through and nothing else came of it. Phil went missing on Friday, 6/27 and was reported missing by his wife and was found on 7/2 of an apparent suicide in the parking lot of a Walmart in Epping, New Hampshire.
Phil Englehardt will be missed by many. I went up to Seabrook, New Hampshire yesterday and there were flowers in the entrance way of the Honey Bee. The restaurant that he owned for many years and that he closed down in 07.
RIP
July 4, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Unknown, adoption, bitch, life, lyrics, music, rant, whine · Tagged adoption, Ex's, life, music
Things around here have been…………………………….. well, here.
I have been neglecting my blog and I am sorry for that. I actually am now writing things out at my lunch break when I am not reading. Hard to do since I normally put on the headphones and blast some music, depending on my mood — depends on the music, and read. But I have been putting pen to paper and writing. I have a few posts in the works and will update for all.
hint:
adoption (like that is ever far from me)
ex’s (just like above)
music (when am I not talking about music -LOL)
