Archive for firstmothers
April 26, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, firstmothers, life, mediation, pictures, sorrow, super girl, unhappiness, visits
I was informed that the letter was sent to Supergirl’s Mom.
I am freaking out alittle bit. Why? because I don’t know what it said. I don’t know if they have received the letter yet. I am guessing so since I know I can mail things on Monday and they get it on Tuesday and vice versa. So now I would like to, if possible, get my hands on a copy of the letter to see what the agency had to say to L.
Biker boy is starting to make an appearance again. The warmer weather is getting him out since he can now ride his Harley and not worry about not having a car.
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I received some pictures from L from Supergirl’s birthday. It appears that she had 2 parties, not just one. One that was with friends and was a cooking party and the other is the party with family and friends.
I haven’t seen her in almost a year and all ready I can not really recognize her any more. Is this because I remember her from the last visit? I still see her singing. I still see her playing a monkey.
I don’t remember her with her hair up. I don’t remember how her face has changed since that rainy, damp day in April 08.
March 11, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, birthmoms, depression, firstmothers, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, visits, whine
I don’t like this time of year.
While I like that the weather is getting warmer and the day lasts a little longer. My heat isn’t kicking on as much.
I hate the next 6 weeks.
In the course of the next 6 weeks my daughter will turn 5.
My grandfather will be gone for 4 years.
My last visit would have been a year ago.
The day that I forever changed my life will come.
The day that I held Supergirl for the first time will come and go.
The day that Biker Boy and I met the aparents.
Can I crawl under the covers now and wake up on May 1st?
February 3, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, bitch, firstmothers, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, whine · Tagged adoption, adoptive parents, life, rant
I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?
*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!
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I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.
December 7, 2008
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, bitch, depression, firstmothers, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, stupidity, therapy, unhappiness, whine · Tagged adoption, anger, birthmothers, depression, feelings, general, life, pissed off, rant, sorrow, Supergirl, whine
I have alot of anger right now.
Why? I am waiting for a 2 line note from L. Or even a 30 second phone call. Does she really keep going 24/7? Please. I am not that stupid. I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return. Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.
I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago. Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward. I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom. I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not. What would I gain out of it? NOTHING!! so why go there? It took over a year to get another visit. I don’t want to go through that again. It hurt. It still hurts.
Then I was saw E yesterday. She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C. WTF!!!!! So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.
Fucking Merry Christmas to me.
*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg. Yes, I was crying. I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.
October 26, 2008
· Filed under 10 things, Ex's, Friends, Unknown, firstmothers, life, lyrics, music, therapy, unhappiness
My SIL went and challenged all of her friends on Myspace for their top 10 songs. Well, a few weeks later I have somewhere close to that and will post them here and send her over.
*these are in no order
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
I’m a Bitch, I”m a lover, I”m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed.
Pretty much says it all
Straightjacket by Alanis Morissette
Something so benign from me, construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see
Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me.
I feel like sending this to Biker Boy and Supergirl’s parents. I don’t know what it is about this song but I loved it the first time I heard it and it is still a favorite! but there are many days when I feel that people don’t see me but they think that they know me.
Your Eyes from Rent
I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just to be
No Day but Today
no other words needed IMO
Incomplete by Alannis Morissette
One day I will be healed, I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
One day I will be faith filled. I’ll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.
I lost my trust 4 years ago, I am hoping one day that I will have it again. I am hoping that one day I will be complete since I have been incomplete for 4 1/2 years.
Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
People told me that I would forget the pain. Haven’t. they said that I would forgive those that hurt me. Haven’t.
August 1, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, birthmoms, depression, firstmothers, life, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness
Just a quick post to thank everyone for your words and hugs.
I appreciate them and you.
I am here.
Still trying to figure it out.
Still trying to understand.
Still trying to look at pictures.
In response to all 3 of the above. Can’t.
July 13, 2008
· Filed under adoption, bitch, firstmothers, life, rant, whine · Tagged adotion, birthmothers, firstmothers, forums
This has been sitting here for awhile and I figure, might as well get it out of my saved post and just get it out.
I came across a thread from one of the forums I belong to. I got sick to my stomach. I talked to a friend of mine who is also a firstmom and she had the same reaction. I talked to a friend of mine who has no ties to adoption and only knows about my situation and she had the same reaction. Here it is, weeks later, and I have the same feeling.
Foster mothers breast feeding their foster children?!?!?!?!?!?! Yes you read correctly. Foster mothers who are breast feeding their foster children. These are not adoption situations, these are foster situations. If it was an adoption situation that makes for a different story all together but it isn’t. This is a situation where you will not, in all likely hood, keep the children in which you are breast feeding.
All this is in the name of bonding. gag. For me to read this, this is the foster mothering wanting to do something that, in all reality, she should not be doing. What happens to this kid if they are moved to another home where there is no breast feeding?
Then there was another thread that I couldn’t tell you what it was about but all I saw was an pap (prospective adoptive parent) write “our birthmother”.
Hate to tell you, but your expectant mother is not your birthmother. In order for her to be that she would have had to been born before you and become pregnant, place you for adoption, then become frozen for a number of years in order for her to be thawed out and then go through this whole hell all over again. I don’t see that happening. I doubt it even happened. This expectant mother, who has not given birth, will be the child’s birthmother if she goes through with the placement.
I wanted to scream at her!!! Learn before you continue with this!!!! Just from this one post I learned how much you don’t know and how much you need to learn.
June 21, 2008
· Filed under adoption, family, firstmothers, life, therapy · Tagged children, life, meetings, secrets
There isn’t another way to put it.
M’s son graduated from preschool last night and there goes my tie to Supergirl. Well, one of my ties. She only ran into Supergirl once. I told her not to search her out. I told her to just let it happen. And it did. There was the 1 run in. I wrote that conversation down and I hold onto it dearly.
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I received some new pictures of Supergirl and she is just too cute for words. I told my SIL and she took a look and agrees, she looks like me. Just like E looks like her. I agree.
Therapist found someone who is willing to talk to me and to L and see what is and isn’t working in this so called open adoption. C would talk to me and then talk to L and then we would all get together and discuss and talk and see what is working and what isn’t.
I am scared shitless.
There is no other word for it. The last time that we had a meeting I was hit with the big “We are too busy” crap.
There isn’t any further back we can go, well only to semi and closed but there isn’t much more back we can go in the “open” we are in now.
June 17, 2008
· Filed under adoption, birthmoms, family, firstmothers, life, reunion · Tagged adoption, family, finding, life, myspace, reunion
Well, at least for my brother and sister-in-law. Their “secret” has enjoyed time with them. Has pictures with them and asked them questions. This “secret” is 17 1/2 years old and is beautiful. I may be biased as an Aunt but then again I don’t care.
I want to send her a message. But at the same time I don’t want to overwhelm her. Less then 2 weeks ago she just met her father, mother and 3 birth siblings. I want to know her. I don’t want to know her through my brother or my sister-in-law. I will, however, wait. I will give her time to get to know her family and to recover from meeting them.
When I talked to my brother I told him I wanted to know the how’s and the when’s. Come to find out that my nephew, eldest nephew, found E on myspace. She called her mom to come home from work and her mom had some questions for K, just to verify who she was and then everyone starting shouting.
All of this happened within 12 weeks.
From the time of that first message on myspace to the first face to face there was only 10 weeks.
May 20, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, bitch, depression, firstmothers, life, rant, sorrow, therapy, whine · Tagged anger, life, motherhood, relationships, thoughts
I really need to get a bunch of stuff of my chest and so I changed a saved post and I am going with this. I got this from a dear friend and she said she felt better. Let’s see if it works.
basically you get to get 10 things off your chest without naming people.
1) Grow up you loser. Your son wants to follow in your footsteps and you said that won’t happen?? How in the hell do you think that it won’t. All he has known is his father with no job, no money, going from one relationship to another with no stability in his life. You have how many kids? Yes I am counting the ones that you don’t see. What I think it really funny not funny since my daughter is this, is that you see NONE of your daughters!!! How many are those. There is Supergirl, there is D and there is the one who may not be yours but you don’t know and she is going to let another man think that she may be his. Grow up, get a job. Right now I am really, really glad that Supergirl doesn’t know you. That she will not know you. She doesn’t need that shit in her life.
2) T I wish, wish that there was something that I can do to help you. I am here. Call me at anytime of the day or night. I don’t care. I worry about you. I worry about mom and I worry about dad. I don’t want him to give up. He has a wonderful life and family. I want him home to enjoy them for many years to come. I want him to walk into your new house and say how happy he is for you. I want to go to your old house for a party or just to relax and listen to them talk with his great Irish accent.
3) L I wish you would come to realize that I am not a threat. I love Supergirl just as much as you do. Is that really such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing when Supergirl can have a conversation with me? Is it a bad thing that I get 10 seconds to Supergirl to myself? Is it really such a bad thing to keep me in her life when I haven’t done a damn thing otherwise except to walk on egg shells and pussyfoot around issues because I want to stay in her life?
4) L (I know too many of you) I am glad that we have other things to talk about besides B. I don’t want to talk about him, especially to you. I am tied to him whether I like it or not for years because of Supergirl. I cannot break my promises like other people. Don’t bad mouth him to me. I know. I don’t need it brought up everytime I see you. There is much more that we can talk about.
5) L (another L name, going to have to start nicknames for them) don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad mother. G has thrived since his diag. He has grown and he is healthy and happy and he loves you. You are a beautiful person and friend and mother.
6) J I may talk to you but that doesn’t mean that I forgive you. I don’t have the anger anymore that I had but I just don’t trust you. You tell me things and I know that it isn’t the truth. So go on and keep telling yourself that M calmed you and it is a good thing that he is younger then you. Because many of us know that you are lieing and that you are full of it.
7) Adoption. I hate that I know this word. I hate that I know the feelings that it brings. I hate seeing how “bad” I am or that many of my friends are “bad” because we placed a child for adoption, whether with or without coersion. I hate that I know the terminology. I hate to know what the words mean.
8. to Aparents who just don’t get it. Your child may or may not have issues. Open your eyes and realize that just because I placed my child and my friends placed theirs that there is not sorrow and hurt there. Don’t stick your head in the ground and hum to yourself that since the child was placed there are no issues because there is. Life isn’t all roses and butterflies. There are thunderstorms, hail and hurricanes. Realize this now.
9) Lies. I mean really. Don’t lie to get what you want and then turnaround and say that you don’t want it. You want to know who you are hurting? Look into that child eyes and tell yourself that you know best until the day those eyes turn towards you in hate because you lied to them. Then what are you going to say.
10) J, I don’t know how much I can give you. I don’t know how much I have left. I would like to try. I just want you to know J, that it won’t be easy. I am fragile. I am hurt. I have been lied to and just don’t know who or what I can trust anymore. but I want to try.
