Archive for Friends
May 19, 2009
· Filed under Friends, adoption, mediation, pictures, super girl
Okay meant to write this yesterday but was having some other computer issues so here is, finally, the phone call from E.
She said:
- -Supergirl was great, lovely (I know this)
- Visits in the past have been great not awkward
- L is confused by Supergirl’s response from the last 2 visits
- Supergirl is excited for the visits but then clams up (just to mention, again, that I have yet to see this, still waiting, but then again it has been over a year and next week makes 13 months)
- L said she is open minded. I had to laugh at this. REALLY, open minded, then why did I have to wait 3 months to find out visits were done?!?!?! oh yeah, open minded
- L is fine with talking with K and fine with talking to E
- E asked if I had any little requests/messages for L. I actually couldn’t think of anything except for not wanting to be told anything through a 3rd party. All of the big stuff has been through a 3rd party and has not come from L
- E said that she wants to work on communication with L so that I am not left to draw my own conclusions. My response “No shit”
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On a much happy note.
Coworker (CW) got some more pictures for me!!!! It seems that Supergirl and her son are playing tball, they are not on the same team 
but there was some one there who took photos on the first day and had placed them on a snapfish account. CW ordered those for me. Out of the 19 she ordered, 16 were of Supergirl. She said she didn’t know who she was more excited for: finding pictures of her son or finding photos of Supergirl for me.
April 19, 2009
· Filed under Friends, adoption, birthdays, life, super girl
I have some awesome friends. In real life and online. I talked with a dear friend, who is the only first mom that I have met in real life, and she sent me a text the next day for Supergirl’s birthday.
Then last night, I met up with a group of ladies that I work with and we had some drinks, food, songs and laughs. One dear friend came up to me and gave me a huge hug and just said “For you and Supergirl’s birthday.” Another friend, one who I just told about Supergirl, came up to me and said “I wanted to text you but didn’t have your number. But hopefully you and Supergirl had a good day yesterday.”
February 3, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, bitch, firstmothers, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, whine · Tagged adoption, adoptive parents, life, rant
I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?
*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!
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I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.
January 25, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, facebook, family, life, mediation, whine
There hasn’t been any movement on the mediation. That I know of anyway. I have pictures of Supergirl and I love them. But looking at them makes me realize that there is now less then 3 months until her birthday (the big 5) and I have no ideas. I won’t ask L again since she NEVER responded to the letter asking.
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But there is some great things going on.
I am loving Facebook!!! I talk to my brother and SIL often and through my brother I found one of my other “brothers” J. While I have 1 bio brother I have 2 “other” brothers. They were always over our house when we lived in N. Chicago and so their Mothers gave Mom permission to ground and discipline as needed. So they called them Mom and I called them brothers.
It is nice to talk to him again and reconnect and find out what he has been doing with his life.
October 26, 2008
· Filed under 10 things, Ex's, Friends, Unknown, firstmothers, life, lyrics, music, therapy, unhappiness
My SIL went and challenged all of her friends on Myspace for their top 10 songs. Well, a few weeks later I have somewhere close to that and will post them here and send her over.
*these are in no order
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
I’m a Bitch, I”m a lover, I”m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed.
Pretty much says it all
Straightjacket by Alanis Morissette
Something so benign from me, construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see
Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me.
I feel like sending this to Biker Boy and Supergirl’s parents. I don’t know what it is about this song but I loved it the first time I heard it and it is still a favorite! but there are many days when I feel that people don’t see me but they think that they know me.
Your Eyes from Rent
I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just to be
No Day but Today
no other words needed IMO
Incomplete by Alannis Morissette
One day I will be healed, I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
One day I will be faith filled. I’ll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.
I lost my trust 4 years ago, I am hoping one day that I will have it again. I am hoping that one day I will be complete since I have been incomplete for 4 1/2 years.
Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
People told me that I would forget the pain. Haven’t. they said that I would forgive those that hurt me. Haven’t.
September 18, 2008
· Filed under Friends, life, therapy
Yeap that is me.
Still waiting for a phone call.
Speaking in a week.
Met up with a great friend and talked and talked and sampled and sampled and laughed and talked.
Get the picture? good because we didn’t. For the 2nd year in a row, not a picture to be taken.
Oh well, there is always next year, right?
September 7, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Friends, Unknown, adoption, life, mediation, music, therapy · Tagged adoption, life, mediation, speaking
It isn’t like I have been avoiding the blog. I just haven’t wanted to write.
Then a bunch of stuff happened in one day.
L agreed to the mediation!!! I am completely freaked by this!!! E asked if I had heard from C, 3rd party, this past week. No I haven’t. Which means that I will be getting the call. This scares the living daylights out of me. I am freaked that L agreed to this. I am freaked that E said she was positive about this.
Now I want to know what she will say.
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Then E asked me if I wanted to speak again? Yes!!! Then she tells me that it will happen this month!!! What!?!?! I have spoken before. Except that time it was only me and another firstmom. E is hoping that this time there will be me, the other firstmom, an adoptee/adoptive parent and an adoptive parent. Less pressure on me.
Maybe I will remember this time not to hide what has really happened.
Maybe this time I will be able to say what sucks.
Maybe this time I will be able to say what happened.
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Then completely unrelated to it all.
I went out with my friend C, last night. Biker Boy is now the head of security at the bar which we hang out at which was recently sold and now under new ownership. Not a problem, really. Except when he comes up to me and puts his arms around me.
Then he tells me that a guy who is interested in my friend, C, is flirting with me. Ummmmm, no. Why are you jealous?
Then I got up to sing. The owner came up to me afterwards and told me that she wanted me in the karoake contest that starts – TONIGHT!!!
ack!! but after 10 weeks there is the prize of $500.00!!!
August 26, 2008
· Filed under 10 things, Ex's, Friends, Unknown, bitch, life, rant, sorrow, therapy, whine · Tagged bitch, life
Yes, I feel the need to do this again.
In case you didn’t read the first one. You write down 10 things without mentioning the person’s name. It works. I felt better after the last one.
1) WTF you complete idiot. You have no relationship with Supergirl but you ask me if I went through this hell again and am allowing a friend to raise a child of mine!!! You are not even worth me responding. However, I still let you know when I get pictures. How stupid does that make me?
2) I wish I could go home with you. I know that this week will not be easy. I was happy to know that you cried with your friends during the wake. This way I know that you are not holding it all in. You know I will be here for you when you get back. We will talk. We won’t talk. We will just be. And all of us will help you.
3) Are you trying to drive me insane!!! I really don’t know what to say to you anymore so I don’t. Are you guilty about something?? Something weighing on your mind and you don’t want to feel guilty so you are doing what you are doing? Believe me, I love getting them. But you are screwing with my mind and I don’t know how much more I can handle from you.
4) Are you upset with the fact that Supergirl is looking more and more like me? I hope you are because I am loving it. I love looking at her and seeing me and knowing that there will be none of you.
5) I am happy that Supergirl doesn’t look like you anymore. I am glad that I don’t have to look at her pictures and see you. I am glad that I can look at her pictures and not really notice you there.
6) Stop your flipping whining. I really don’t care if you feel you are getting bullied. Or that you feel that way. If you did your work and didn’t sit around and talk maybe you wouldn’t feel that way. You are the reason I cannot go home early if boss is not there.
7) It is about time you have a job. but did you have to get one at the one place that I happen to enjoy going to? Does it have to be the one place where I can go and not worry about you walking in the door? You know you are a little too tall to try and spy on me in the parking lot. I saw the looks I got when I went to give some guy friends a hug.
I cannot wait to see you again!! I need a girls day where we can talk about our beautiful girls and laugh and cry and just relax and not have to put on the “faces” to get through a day.
Okay, so there are only 8. that leaves me with 2 to throw in wherever, whenever, I want.
August 21, 2008
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, death, life, music, sorrow, therapy · Tagged adoption, Friends, life, music
Maybe I am over my anger.
How do I know? I was singing in my car. It may not be anything big to anyone else but I haven’t wanted to sing in my car. I used to do all the time. Find a song and just start. But since the melt down last month I haven’t been able to really listen to a whole song. My angry music wasn’t cutting it anymore.
It wasn’t working. It wasn’t angry enough.
This week I am watching my friends cat while she is away camping.
So last night after work, I got in my car and got myself ready for a 20 minute drive up 95 and so I put in a CD.
Turned out to be the right one.
Natalie Merchant and 10,000 maniacs
Tracy Chapman
Jewel
Stevie Nicks
Dixie Chicks
Meredith Brooks
Alannis
Bonnie Tyler
I sing songs from all of these wonder artists. Karoake can be theraputic but I just haven’t been in a mood to sing anything.
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Other news.
I received pictures for the 3rd moth in a row. Makes me wonder if guilt is laying heavily on her mind right now. This is her way to make it up to me.
Right now it confuses the hell out of me. I don’t want to expect this every month because they have broken promises in the past but it just makes me wonder if it will continue.
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Rather sad news is that a dear friend lost her father on Monday. He went into the hospital April and never came home. Everytime he went from the hospital to rehab he would relapse.
I met this man a few times and he will be missed.
August 12, 2008
· Filed under Ex's, Friends, Olympics, Unknown, books, life, television · Tagged books, confessions, life, Olympics, tv
yeap, here it is.. time to confess some things.
I watch the Olympics. Not so bad. I cry when, during the medal ceremony, it doesn’t matter what country is on the podium with gold I cry. Just to look at their faces in wonder at the moment. Of course it helps when some of them are just too cute! 
I yell at the tv! Friends can atest to this. They have heard me while we are on the phone and I am yelling at a stupid move or comment.
I have yet to finish the final Harry Potter book. -hides head- I am stuck in the woods. I admit it. However, since I have a bad habit, I have read the last chapter. Why I do this I don’t know. I do it will all books.
I have called Biker boy. Not once. Not twice. But atleast 3 times.
