I see my daughters life in photographs now.
I don’t see her life with her. I see images of her and her life.
I see her smile but I don’t hear the laughter that comes from that smile.
I don’t see her singing.
I don’t see her.
All because “her Mother” cannot handle things.
Why is it necessary for one person to lie to make themselves feel better? to feel superior? to see the other person weakened?
I got more pictures in the mail the other day. I wish there was more. I wish there were a hell of a lot more.
I had plans on making a call to L today. Well, it being summer in New England and the sun is out, the humidity is up and I know from the past that they are at the beach. However, that maybe changing since clouds are rolling in and there is a weather alert.
So I was thinking about calling tomorrow or even Friday since it will be cooler and there will be no humidity.
Now if only I will have the guts to do a true mediation instead of this phone crap.
* there will be no phone call this week. E was going to try and get together with L this week but they are out of town.
Today is the 28th.
On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!
Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.
*edited to add
How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on? Is it a coping strategy for me?
I remember it was a Friday. Which means the phone call was on the 25th. Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before. I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.
How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?
How????
I cannot believe that I am writing another one.
Ok, I feel better. Yes it wasn’t 10 but then it doesn’t have to be.
Supergirl graduated from preK last month. When, I don’t know. I just know it was last month. I sent a card. It was probably late since I have been dealing with the feelings of losing Nana and the bad news that keep coming at me. A dear friend informed me that his father has liver cancer and was given a 15% chance of 6+ months with chemo or 15% for 6 months without. He is going without chemo. He asked his ex, my other dear friend, to stop by and see him. She will as she has a patient in that area. Then another woman that my friend C and I know has finally called hospice. We knew this day would happen. All in the course of 8 hours.
Anyway……………………………
I am angry. I am angry that it has been over 14 months since I last saw Supergirl.
Last heard her laugh.
Last saw her smile.
Last heard her voice.
I am angry and it is making me depressed.
Okay, sorry I haven’t written sooner. There hasn’t been anything going on worth writing about but then I got the phone call.
L finally responded to someone!!
She called the agency and they talked.
K from the agency called E and they talked.
E called me and we talked.
when I am able to hold my head up, meaning when this migraine is gone, I will write more.
I was informed that the letter was sent to Supergirl’s Mom.
I am freaking out alittle bit. Why? because I don’t know what it said. I don’t know if they have received the letter yet. I am guessing so since I know I can mail things on Monday and they get it on Tuesday and vice versa. So now I would like to, if possible, get my hands on a copy of the letter to see what the agency had to say to L.
Biker boy is starting to make an appearance again. The warmer weather is getting him out since he can now ride his Harley and not worry about not having a car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I received some pictures from L from Supergirl’s birthday. It appears that she had 2 parties, not just one. One that was with friends and was a cooking party and the other is the party with family and friends.
I haven’t seen her in almost a year and all ready I can not really recognize her any more. Is this because I remember her from the last visit? I still see her singing. I still see her playing a monkey.
I don’t remember her with her hair up. I don’t remember how her face has changed since that rainy, damp day in April 08.
I have some awesome friends. In real life and online. I talked with a dear friend, who is the only first mom that I have met in real life, and she sent me a text the next day for Supergirl’s birthday.
Then last night, I met up with a group of ladies that I work with and we had some drinks, food, songs and laughs. One dear friend came up to me and gave me a huge hug and just said “For you and Supergirl’s birthday.” Another friend, one who I just told about Supergirl, came up to me and said “I wanted to text you but didn’t have your number. But hopefully you and Supergirl had a good day yesterday.”
…. is about to be raised.
I am tired.
I am worn out.
I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.
I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class) well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.
I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.
Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?
–Not really
It is because while I play the good girl. The nice girl. The pleasant girl.
The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.
I have an update on Supergirl and that saga but I don’t wish to bring myself down.
So I will just put in a fun little post that was in more ways then I thought make 2 friends laugh.
I live in a small town.
How small?
There is no grocery store but there is 2 general stores.
1 Post Office
1 Library with the name of the town next to us.
2 auto repair places.
4 churches
1 graveyard
2 school
1 restaurant/bar/pub
1 packie (if you are from Mass. you know that a packie/packing store is Liquor Store).
1 Realtor
1 DIY/lumber/soil shop
1 fire company
0 police department (we use the town next to ours)
3 Adult living communities (55+ or assisted living facilities)
0 traffic lights but has 2 caution lights
I like that there is no traffic after dark or rush hour, which ever happens first. I like that I can go the either town around me and catch the train into Boston and get around. I like that fact that while it is small, there are still a number of open places.
Things I don’t like:
My road, while being the main road thru town is the LAST to get plowed. Some of my coworkers and a friend found out the other night when I played follow the leader with a coworker since the other side of the road was plowed and the side we needed to be in wasn’t.
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