Archive for sorrow
July 28, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, bitch, dates, depression, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, super girl, therapy, unhappiness, whine · Tagged adoption, open adoption, visits
Today is the 28th.
On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!
Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.
*edited to add
How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on? Is it a coping strategy for me?
I remember it was a Friday. Which means the phone call was on the 25th. Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before. I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.
How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?
How????
July 5, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, bitch, depression, life, rant, sorrow, super girl, unhappiness, whine
Supergirl graduated from preK last month. When, I don’t know. I just know it was last month. I sent a card. It was probably late since I have been dealing with the feelings of losing Nana and the bad news that keep coming at me. A dear friend informed me that his father has liver cancer and was given a 15% chance of 6+ months with chemo or 15% for 6 months without. He is going without chemo. He asked his ex, my other dear friend, to stop by and see him. She will as she has a patient in that area. Then another woman that my friend C and I know has finally called hospice. We knew this day would happen. All in the course of 8 hours.
Anyway……………………………
I am angry. I am angry that it has been over 14 months since I last saw Supergirl.
Last heard her laugh.
Last saw her smile.
Last heard her voice.
I am angry and it is making me depressed.
May 14, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, bitch, life, mediation, sorrow, super girl, therapy, whine
Okay, sorry I haven’t written sooner. There hasn’t been anything going on worth writing about but then I got the phone call.
L finally responded to someone!!
She called the agency and they talked.
K from the agency called E and they talked.
E called me and we talked.
when I am able to hold my head up, meaning when this migraine is gone, I will write more.
April 26, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, firstmothers, life, mediation, pictures, sorrow, super girl, unhappiness, visits
I was informed that the letter was sent to Supergirl’s Mom.
I am freaking out alittle bit. Why? because I don’t know what it said. I don’t know if they have received the letter yet. I am guessing so since I know I can mail things on Monday and they get it on Tuesday and vice versa. So now I would like to, if possible, get my hands on a copy of the letter to see what the agency had to say to L.
Biker boy is starting to make an appearance again. The warmer weather is getting him out since he can now ride his Harley and not worry about not having a car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I received some pictures from L from Supergirl’s birthday. It appears that she had 2 parties, not just one. One that was with friends and was a cooking party and the other is the party with family and friends.
I haven’t seen her in almost a year and all ready I can not really recognize her any more. Is this because I remember her from the last visit? I still see her singing. I still see her playing a monkey.
I don’t remember her with her hair up. I don’t remember how her face has changed since that rainy, damp day in April 08.
April 2, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, birthdays, birthmoms, bitch, depression, life, rant, sorrow, stupidity, therapy, unhappiness, whine
…. is about to be raised.
I am tired.
I am worn out.
I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.
I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class) well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.
I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.
Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?
–Not really
It is because while I play the good girl. The nice girl. The pleasant girl.
The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.
March 11, 2009
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, birthmoms, depression, firstmothers, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, visits, whine
I don’t like this time of year.
While I like that the weather is getting warmer and the day lasts a little longer. My heat isn’t kicking on as much.
I hate the next 6 weeks.
In the course of the next 6 weeks my daughter will turn 5.
My grandfather will be gone for 4 years.
My last visit would have been a year ago.
The day that I forever changed my life will come.
The day that I held Supergirl for the first time will come and go.
The day that Biker Boy and I met the aparents.
Can I crawl under the covers now and wake up on May 1st?
February 3, 2009
· Filed under Friends, Unknown, adoption, bitch, firstmothers, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, whine · Tagged adoption, adoptive parents, life, rant
I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?
*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.
December 15, 2008
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, bitch, depression, family, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, whine
I was really hoping that this would only be a one time thing. But I am still angry.
I am now angry at mother nature for dumping a foot of snow in Vermont. I am angry for not going up to Vermont. I need it. I need the break. I want the time to myself. So as of right now my plans to get Chinese food for Christmas Eve are on the verge of being cancelled. My plans to spend Christmas Day in comfortable clothes then going to the beach are on the verge of being cancelled.
the only up side???
E will be calling L this week. Hopefully she will be able to get in touch with her. I think if I get a phone call from L then I know that E talked to her. We shall see.
December 7, 2008
· Filed under Unknown, adoption, bitch, depression, firstmothers, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, stupidity, therapy, unhappiness, whine · Tagged adoption, anger, birthmothers, depression, feelings, general, life, pissed off, rant, sorrow, Supergirl, whine
I have alot of anger right now.
Why? I am waiting for a 2 line note from L. Or even a 30 second phone call. Does she really keep going 24/7? Please. I am not that stupid. I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return. Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.
I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago. Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward. I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom. I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not. What would I gain out of it? NOTHING!! so why go there? It took over a year to get another visit. I don’t want to go through that again. It hurt. It still hurts.
Then I was saw E yesterday. She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C. WTF!!!!! So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.
Fucking Merry Christmas to me.
*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg. Yes, I was crying. I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.
November 2, 2008
· Filed under Unknown, life, sorrow, therapy · Tagged cards, Halloween, holidays, life
I like this time of year.
I like that darkness comes earlier.
I like that I get an extra hour of sleep.
I like going in and seeing E. Only for the reason to get back to North Station and just look at the people who I know will be getting off at Salem. Why? You cannot miss them. They are in costume. They are going to Haunted Happens in Salem which goes on for about 6 weeks leading up to Halloween. Perfect for the Witch City. It is always interesting to see how many people get off at Salem and watch them walk by in their costumes.
Then there is the buying of the Halloween cards for the kids. My Grandmother gives me a list and some money and I go and buy Halloween cards for her to send. This year, Lanky, was added to that list.
Little does she know that she has also been sending one to Supergirl for the past few years.
I go to the store.
Walk to the cards.
Pick out the cards for the rest of the list.
Then — spend 10-15 minutes trying to find that “perfect” card for Supergirl.
It will all happen again for Christmas.
