I have been thinking a lot about Supergirl lately.

I wish I was getting pictures sooner rather then later.

I am trying to get my side business up and running.

While I am happy to have the overtime, I am sooo tired.

I am so angry about some comments I have read/heard about  firstmoms that I wish I could just scream.

I cried while sitting watching the musical Tarzan.

Some days that I hate that I know what I know  about adoption.

I miss E.  I haven’t been in to a session with her in ……… I cannot remember when.  We have touched base by phone and she has suggested that I find a new therapist.  Really?!?!  She doesn’t have weekend hours anymore and trying to make it into Boston from the North Shore by train (got to park the car, well, first you have to find a lot that has a parking spot).  She has suggested Thursdays but with my work schedule (work nights) that makes for a very long and draining day to begin with that trying to go into work is another issue all together. 

I have been dragging my feet on that.  I like E, I am comfortable with her.  She knows when I am talking bullshit and when I just need to vent and get everything off of my chest.  I took grief from people because 1)she is an adoptive parent and 2)she worked for the agency.  But I was comfortable.

Anyway ~~~~

The visit with Supergirl was AWESOME   It was short but you know what — I didn’t care.  I was with my girl.  She was with me.  The only down spot.  She asked about Biker Boy.  She wants a picture, a recent one.  So I asked him for one.  He has ignored me.  The kicker: I came across some photos of his son, probably when he was about 3 years old.  I sent him a message asking him what he wanted me to do with them  He has ignored me.  I will tell Jessica this when she is older.  I did tell Amom that I requested a photo from Biker and that he ignored me.

Oh well his loss.

Now time to enjoy this little shiny thing in the sky

I sent an email asking for sizes and ideas for the soon to come Supergirl’s birthday.  The response: send a giftcard she doesn’t know what she wants.  Somehow I don’t think so.  Somehow I have a feeling that she knows what she wants — I just don’t get to know.

Not surprised there.

I did however get some pictures sent to me.  *and I ended up getting a disc and just putting all of her pictures on that – thanks for the help and ideas.

So now I had no ideas for her birthday and was justo cming up with ideas was just too much.  I couldn’t think of anything, I just knew that I was not going to get her a giftcard.

So a few weeks go by……. go and open my email and there is an email from Amom.  I almost fell out of my chair, I mean I am going through my email and find that she sent an email on April Fools Day.  So I open it and it appears that my beautiful, smart and sassy Supergirl wants to see me <3  So Amom suggested that it happen during Spring Break.  So while I supposed to go to Charlotte for the BMB retreat weekend I was unable to get a decent price on airline tickets.  So now the plan is the Thursday I was to go to Charlotte to meet my beautiful sisters again I will be having lunch with my girl….

There you go.

I looked and my niece and nephews had a new friend.  I looked at the name and I freaked out.  I appears J, my so called, father now has a face book page.  He is on block.  Then I looked because I am taking a vacation this year and wanted to tell my Mother when we would be down.  Her page is now gone.

Then I have been playing phone tag with E.  It appears she is no longer working at the agency.  So she has been setting up a new email and hours all set and we just have been playing tag and leaving messages with each other.

and no word from AP  (not surprising there)

Things have been…… there.  Really hard to explain.

I had a visit in October.  Another visit that was requested by Little MIss herself!!   It was wonderful to see her.  To have her come up to me and give me a hug when I walked in.  To climb all over me while we were playing.  To give me a hug when I left.

I get my photos by email now.  Not really liking it.  I liked it when I got the photos in the mail.  There was more.  I could hold them in my hand and look at them over and over and over.  Now not so much.

A friend of mine brought up a good point the other week.  We are related, if only through Biker Boy.  See Biker Boy has a 1/2 brother, my friend K’s son.  So he and Super Girl are related.  I thing that makes them cousins.  Which is fine by me.  She is an awesome person and is raising an awesome boy with out help from Biker Boy’s dad.

Then — I am getting rid of my old car.  Right now it is sitting hte parking lot waiting to go to it’s next home.

The thing — this is the car that when Biker and I met BF and B for the 1st time, I was with Grams signing the paperwork on the blue car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there is the Supergirl front.
I sent an email to BF and got no response. I sent a second email and got a response with PHOTOS!!!
Do I wish there were more? Hell yeah but it is a step and I will take what I can get.
I am quickly approaching 1 year since the last visit. As a person who avoids confrontation I don’t know how to ask for another. Supergirl asked for the last one.
Do I wait for her to ask?
Do I just open up and ask?
Am I making her life harder because I am fighting to stay in her life?
Plus, I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety…

Just what I don’t need.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

I don’t like the way the relationship is.  I don’t like that while I am told one thing — actions speak something else entirely.

Have been trying to get in touch with E but that has not happened.

the GREAT weekend I had in Charlotte meeting a wonderful group of Firstmoms.

the crap that is going on my head at the moment.

for now, I think I will try sleep.