January 12, 2008
· Filed under life, rant · Tagged ex, life, rant, therapy
I was sent a crushing blow the other day. I was all set up for a visit. A visit I haven’t had in months, now I am looking at maybe 14 months between visits.
I fought the urge to call the ex. I wanted to. I picked up the phone and called, his number is still not working. Thankfull about that. Then I hid out at a friends place for the afternoon. I kept going to Myspace and pulling up his page. My hand kept hovering above the message button, I wanted to send him a note. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to comfort me in the way that noone has been able too. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted to hear him say that, I really didn’t care what he said, as long as he was there.
I had told my friend, T, that I would need to go out this weekend. We went out. I spent the evening with friends and I laughed. I laughed to the point that my face hurt. I had tears, not from crying but from laughing. I was hoping before we left that he would not be there. I was glad that he wasn’t. I am still pondering sending him a message. My finger still hovers over that button.
Then I wonder what will I tell him? I went in and saw E today. I told her that I wanted to talk to him. That I kept going back to Myspace to go to his page and that I was close to sending him a message. Why after all this time that he is the one that I wish to run to? What would I say to him? Would I have anything to say to him? Would I be able to be polite to talk to him or would I let all of my anger out and just lash out at him?
I really don’t know and right now I am still glad that his phone does not work.
December 17, 2007
· Filed under life, whine · Tagged anger, ex, life, vent
I was away this weekend. I was up at my Aunt’s house and I needed it. I just needed to get away from everyone and everything. Away from my phone so that noone could find me.
I was having a week and then B called. He called me on Monday night. I called him back on Tuesday. He asked why I didn’t go and talk to him when I almost ran into him at the bar. Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to him. Maybe because I didn’t want to ruin a good day? Maybe because I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore?
He asked me how I was doing. I just kept it simple – sick. He asked how work was — busy. He asked if I wanted to talk to him. I just told him that I didn’t have a voice and it hurt to talk. He told me to call him when I was feeling better and if I go up to the club/bar and he is there, to come in and talk to him. Please……………… I have to do as you say now? since when you fucking idiot.
I had found pictures of his son, C, awhile ago and I was going to mail them to him. I now cannot find them. I found one and I will mail that to him and include a note that says “oh by the way, even though you didn’t ask, Supergirl is just fine, thanks for asking.” I am thinking about being evil and including a photo of Supergirl in there. It will not be a recent photo.
Maybe one from this summer.
I really don’t know.
Many of you maybe happy to hear, that I called and spoke to L, before I went out of town. I am hoping against hope that I will see my Supergirl next month. I will see her smile in person.
I will hear her laugh.
I will see her smile.
She will see me.
She will see her in me.
I have started my new antidepressant. So far so good. I notice that I don’t have the anger as much as I used to and that I am not sleeping my day away. Let’s see if that stays that way.
