Anger — again
03 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in adoption, bitch, firstmothers, Friends, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, therapy, unhappiness, Unknown, whine Tags: adoption, adoptive parents, life, rant
I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?
*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!
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I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.
Mother Nature, Life and what not
25 Dec 2008 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: holidays, life, vent
Things have been — well been. Neither happy nor sad. Mother Nature came with a storm and I had about a foot of snow last Friday into Saturday. Shoveled out by 4pm, went to a friends, went out for a drink and came home. It started to snow on Sunday and turned to rain. Another 7 inches to add to the 11 on the ground.
Errands for work. 2 days of work. Shopping, mail, cold and shoveling have held my time to a computer to a minimum. I have not written in Supergirl’s journal, my journal or anywhere.
I did however finish off all of the scarves that I had orders for and now have to finish those for my friends and Supergirl. Then I have 2 others to do.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.
Anger
07 Dec 2008 7 Comments
in adoption, bitch, depression, firstmothers, life, mediation, rant, sorrow, stupidity, therapy, unhappiness, Unknown, whine Tags: adoption, anger, birthmothers, depression, feelings, general, life, pissed off, rant, sorrow, Supergirl, whine
I have alot of anger right now.
Why? I am waiting for a 2 line note from L. Or even a 30 second phone call. Does she really keep going 24/7? Please. I am not that stupid. I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return. Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.
I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago. Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward. I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom. I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not. What would I gain out of it? NOTHING!! so why go there? It took over a year to get another visit. I don’t want to go through that again. It hurt. It still hurts.
Then I was saw E yesterday. She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C. WTF!!!!! So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.
Fucking Merry Christmas to me.
*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg. Yes, I was crying. I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.
Family
30 Nov 2008 1 Comment
in family, life, lyrics, music, reunion, thanksgiving, therapy, traditions, visits Tags: family, life, singing, tradition
I spent Thanksgiving with my father’s relatives. They are mine as well. It was interesting. My great Uncle who is pretty much deaf, even with his hearing aids, was asking about Father. I told him that I don’t hear from him and I liked it like that. He then ask Grams. I don’t know what she told him since I was onto another conversation.
So, who was at this get together?
Well, Grams, Aunt, Cousin, 3 2nd cousins, 1 3rd cousin, Great Aunt and Uncle, partner and family friend. I think if I added everyone there were 12 of us.
It was a great dinner. Then afterwards we had birthday cake to celebrate 2 of my 2nd cousins birthdays!! So including fruit, pie, cookies, torta, there was birthday cake.
We then sat around and started to play some games. Well, with this family we sing. Most of do atleast. We started to play SongBurst 50′s & 60′s edition. It was fun!! Especially watching my 15 y/o cousins’ face looking at his mother, my Aunt, burst into song. I say it about time. I was broken in about the same age. My brother was a few years younger but quickly adapted and sang along.
It was a nice 2 days. I haven’t seen 1 2nd cousin since the family reunion, about 22 years ago. The other 2nd cousins, probably about 7 years when my cousin J came back from China with her daughter C.
It did however make me think alot of Supergirl over the weekend and it still has me thinking.
How is she?
What would she like for Christmas?
I miss her. Some times the holidays just make it worst.
Favorite Time of Year
02 Nov 2008 Leave a Comment
in life, sorrow, therapy, Unknown Tags: cards, Halloween, holidays, life
I like this time of year.
I like that darkness comes earlier.
I like that I get an extra hour of sleep.
I like going in and seeing E. Only for the reason to get back to North Station and just look at the people who I know will be getting off at Salem. Why? You cannot miss them. They are in costume. They are going to Haunted Happens in Salem which goes on for about 6 weeks leading up to Halloween. Perfect for the Witch City. It is always interesting to see how many people get off at Salem and watch them walk by in their costumes.
Then there is the buying of the Halloween cards for the kids. My Grandmother gives me a list and some money and I go and buy Halloween cards for her to send. This year, Lanky, was added to that list.
Little does she know that she has also been sending one to Supergirl for the past few years.
I go to the store.
Walk to the cards.
Pick out the cards for the rest of the list.
Then — spend 10-15 minutes trying to find that “perfect” card for Supergirl.
It will all happen again for Christmas.
Catching up
07 Sep 2008 2 Comments
in adoption, Ex's, Friends, life, mediation, music, therapy, Unknown Tags: adoption, life, mediation, speaking
It isn’t like I have been avoiding the blog. I just haven’t wanted to write.
Then a bunch of stuff happened in one day.
L agreed to the mediation!!! I am completely freaked by this!!! E asked if I had heard from C, 3rd party, this past week. No I haven’t. Which means that I will be getting the call. This scares the living daylights out of me. I am freaked that L agreed to this. I am freaked that E said she was positive about this.
Now I want to know what she will say.
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Then E asked me if I wanted to speak again? Yes!!! Then she tells me that it will happen this month!!! What!?!?! I have spoken before. Except that time it was only me and another firstmom. E is hoping that this time there will be me, the other firstmom, an adoptee/adoptive parent and an adoptive parent. Less pressure on me.
Maybe I will remember this time not to hide what has really happened.
Maybe this time I will be able to say what sucks.
Maybe this time I will be able to say what happened.
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Then completely unrelated to it all.
I went out with my friend C, last night. Biker Boy is now the head of security at the bar which we hang out at which was recently sold and now under new ownership. Not a problem, really. Except when he comes up to me and puts his arms around me.
Then he tells me that a guy who is interested in my friend, C, is flirting with me. Ummmmm, no. Why are you jealous?
Then I got up to sing. The owner came up to me afterwards and told me that she wanted me in the karoake contest that starts – TONIGHT!!!
ack!! but after 10 weeks there is the prize of $500.00!!!
10 things part 2
26 Aug 2008 4 Comments
in 10 things, bitch, Ex's, Friends, life, rant, sorrow, therapy, Unknown, whine Tags: bitch, life
Yes, I feel the need to do this again.
In case you didn’t read the first one. You write down 10 things without mentioning the person’s name. It works. I felt better after the last one.
1) WTF you complete idiot. You have no relationship with Supergirl but you ask me if I went through this hell again and am allowing a friend to raise a child of mine!!! You are not even worth me responding. However, I still let you know when I get pictures. How stupid does that make me?
2) I wish I could go home with you. I know that this week will not be easy. I was happy to know that you cried with your friends during the wake. This way I know that you are not holding it all in. You know I will be here for you when you get back. We will talk. We won’t talk. We will just be. And all of us will help you.
3) Are you trying to drive me insane!!! I really don’t know what to say to you anymore so I don’t. Are you guilty about something?? Something weighing on your mind and you don’t want to feel guilty so you are doing what you are doing? Believe me, I love getting them. But you are screwing with my mind and I don’t know how much more I can handle from you.
4) Are you upset with the fact that Supergirl is looking more and more like me? I hope you are because I am loving it. I love looking at her and seeing me and knowing that there will be none of you.
5) I am happy that Supergirl doesn’t look like you anymore. I am glad that I don’t have to look at her pictures and see you. I am glad that I can look at her pictures and not really notice you there.
6) Stop your flipping whining. I really don’t care if you feel you are getting bullied. Or that you feel that way. If you did your work and didn’t sit around and talk maybe you wouldn’t feel that way. You are the reason I cannot go home early if boss is not there.
7) It is about time you have a job. but did you have to get one at the one place that I happen to enjoy going to? Does it have to be the one place where I can go and not worry about you walking in the door? You know you are a little too tall to try and spy on me in the parking lot. I saw the looks I got when I went to give some guy friends a hug.
8) I cannot wait to see you again!! I need a girls day where we can talk about our beautiful girls and laugh and cry and just relax and not have to put on the “faces” to get through a day.
Okay, so there are only 8. that leaves me with 2 to throw in wherever, whenever, I want.
Singing
21 Aug 2008 Leave a Comment
in adoption, death, Friends, life, music, sorrow, therapy, Unknown Tags: adoption, Friends, life, music
Maybe I am over my anger.
How do I know? I was singing in my car. It may not be anything big to anyone else but I haven’t wanted to sing in my car. I used to do all the time. Find a song and just start. But since the melt down last month I haven’t been able to really listen to a whole song. My angry music wasn’t cutting it anymore.
It wasn’t working. It wasn’t angry enough.
This week I am watching my friends cat while she is away camping.
So last night after work, I got in my car and got myself ready for a 20 minute drive up 95 and so I put in a CD.
Turned out to be the right one.
Natalie Merchant and 10,000 maniacs
Tracy Chapman
Jewel
Stevie Nicks
Dixie Chicks
Meredith Brooks
Alannis
Bonnie Tyler
I sing songs from all of these wonder artists. Karoake can be theraputic but I just haven’t been in a mood to sing anything.
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Other news.
I received pictures for the 3rd moth in a row. Makes me wonder if guilt is laying heavily on her mind right now. This is her way to make it up to me.
Right now it confuses the hell out of me. I don’t want to expect this every month because they have broken promises in the past but it just makes me wonder if it will continue.
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Rather sad news is that a dear friend lost her father on Monday. He went into the hospital April and never came home. Everytime he went from the hospital to rehab he would relapse.
I met this man a few times and he will be missed.
Confessions
12 Aug 2008 1 Comment
in books, Ex's, Friends, life, Olympics, television, Uncategorized, Unknown Tags: books, confessions, life, Olympics, tv
yeap, here it is.. time to confess some things.
I watch the Olympics. Not so bad. I cry when, during the medal ceremony, it doesn’t matter what country is on the podium with gold I cry. Just to look at their faces in wonder at the moment. Of course it helps when some of them are just too cute! 
I yell at the tv! Friends can atest to this. They have heard me while we are on the phone and I am yelling at a stupid move or comment.
I have yet to finish the final Harry Potter book. -hides head- I am stuck in the woods. I admit it. However, since I have a bad habit, I have read the last chapter. Why I do this I don’t know. I do it will all books.
I have called Biker boy. Not once. Not twice. But atleast 3 times.
Incomplete
01 Aug 2008 2 Comments
in life, lyrics, music, therapy Tags: incomplete, life, lyrics, songs
Right now this is so me.
You gotta love Alanis Morissette
One day I’ll find relief
I’ll be arrived
And I’ll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I’ll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I’ll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
One day my mind will retreat
And I’ll know God
And I’ll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I’ll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries
I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done
One day I will speak freely
I’ll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I’ll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home
I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete
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