December 25, 2008
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged holidays, life, vent
Things have been — well been. Neither happy nor sad. Mother Nature came with a storm and I had about a foot of snow last Friday into Saturday. Shoveled out by 4pm, went to a friends, went out for a drink and came home. It started to snow on Sunday and turned to rain. Another 7 inches to add to the 11 on the ground.
Errands for work. 2 days of work. Shopping, mail, cold and shoveling have held my time to a computer to a minimum. I have not written in Supergirl’s journal, my journal or anywhere.
I did however finish off all of the scarves that I had orders for and now have to finish those for my friends and Supergirl. Then I have 2 others to do.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.
May 29, 2008
· Filed under bitch, depression, life, pregnancy, rant, sorrow, unhappiness, whine · Tagged depression, feelings, overwhelmed, pregnancy, rant, unhappiness, vent
I feel like hiding out.
I feel like I am falling.
It has been a wild week. Biker boys’ (new name for ex B) sister had a baby. I know of 2 people in real life who are pregnant. They are due 1 week apart in January.
I cannot deal with all of the support they have around them.
I hate the support that they have around them.
I cannot stand the support that they have around them.
I hate looking down the road and seeing Supergirl as the only child that I will ever have and I didn’t raise her.
I hate it.
I really, really hate it.
The smile is off.
The smile is gone.
It doesn’t need to come back.
February 20, 2008
· Filed under adoption, life, rant · Tagged anger, depression, life, pissed off, vent, why
There are no other words for it.
I am trying to understand.
I am really.
In the mean time I sit with tears in my eyes trying not to cry while I am at work.
I was hoping for a visit this month or next month. I need a visit. I need it like oxygen at the moment. It has been 14 months since I have since the smile in person. It now looks to be 2 more months.
I am so beyond pissed, upset, done, depressed it isn’t funny anymore.
How much more am I expected to take?
How much more do I have to take?
How much do I wish I could get in touch with B right now?
December 17, 2007
· Filed under life, whine · Tagged anger, ex, life, vent
I was away this weekend. I was up at my Aunt’s house and I needed it. I just needed to get away from everyone and everything. Away from my phone so that noone could find me.
I was having a week and then B called. He called me on Monday night. I called him back on Tuesday. He asked why I didn’t go and talk to him when I almost ran into him at the bar. Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to him. Maybe because I didn’t want to ruin a good day? Maybe because I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore?
He asked me how I was doing. I just kept it simple – sick. He asked how work was — busy. He asked if I wanted to talk to him. I just told him that I didn’t have a voice and it hurt to talk. He told me to call him when I was feeling better and if I go up to the club/bar and he is there, to come in and talk to him. Please……………… I have to do as you say now? since when you fucking idiot.
I had found pictures of his son, C, awhile ago and I was going to mail them to him. I now cannot find them. I found one and I will mail that to him and include a note that says “oh by the way, even though you didn’t ask, Supergirl is just fine, thanks for asking.” I am thinking about being evil and including a photo of Supergirl in there. It will not be a recent photo.
Maybe one from this summer.
I really don’t know.
Many of you maybe happy to hear, that I called and spoke to L, before I went out of town. I am hoping against hope that I will see my Supergirl next month. I will see her smile in person.
I will hear her laugh.
I will see her smile.
She will see me.
She will see her in me.
I have started my new antidepressant. So far so good. I notice that I don’t have the anger as much as I used to and that I am not sleeping my day away. Let’s see if that stays that way.
