Where do I stand

Looking at everything from what I seen online and talking to others I had an ethical agency.  Is there such a thing?  My agency cared about what I thought, wanted and answered my questions.

They are still answering my questions.

They still stand behind me.

They want me to get in touch with other birthmoms from the agency.

They want me to know that things are perfect and probably won’t be perfect.

They wanted me to know that this wasn’t going to be easy.

But then looking at my situation.  I have an open adoption.  L sends me pictures directly.  Everything is done between us is without the “middle man”.  I have their address and phone number, they have mine.  I can call up and talk to L and be updated on all things dealing with Supergirl.  However, I am the one to call up and ask for a visit.

I saw E on Saturday and she asked me what I thought about the meeting.  I told that I got to kicks to the gut with 2 comments that L made.  We know those.  “We don’t want to confuse her.” & “We are too busy.”  I told E that those were the biggest excuses in adoption.  They are code for “We have what we want you can go away now.”  She asked me if I wanted to hear about it from another perspective.  Right now — no.  I have to get over the hurt that I feel.  The pain that I am feeling on thinking that I did the wrong thing and chose the wrong people to raise my daughter.  Yes, I will say my daughter.  I carried her, I went to the appointments, I made the decision.  So, right now I will be a thorn in their side and not go away quietly.  I will be the adult in this situation calling up and asking for a visit.  I won’t call right now because I know that they are expecting it.  I told E that I am stubborn and I guess right now I will need to be the bitch that I can be.  Supergirl picked up her stubbornness from someone and I can tell you with pride that she got it from me, my Mom and my Grandmothers.  I come from a long line of stubborn women and I am proud to continue that.

Post big meeting

E told me that she was proud of me.

I don’t know about that. I really don’t remember much. It is still all a jumble and my thoughts are all over the place.

I remember I had to keep telling myself to breathe. To stay where I was at and not leave. That I needed to stay and talk to this woman that I have a relationship with but in the same that I don’t have a relationship with.

I remember that we talked about the whole incident that happened in December. Shortly after my last visit with Supergirl. She had 3 bad days. This isn’t her. Yes she is like any other child/toddler and acts out and everything else but not for 3 days straight. L told me what Supergirl told her: “L is not my real mom.” After 3 days she was herself again. They have told her that she is adopted but they haven’t talked about my relationship to her. They “don’t want to confuse her at this time”

WTF? What is going to happen a few years from now? Maybe even 6 months from now? How are they going to deal with it then?

L then said that she remembered a comment that B (ex, bdad) said on the day that we met L&B, I don’t remember it and neither does B.

She did ask me if I regretted my decision. I told her that it is not so much that I regret what we did but that on some days it just hurts more than others. She asked if I had a problem with getting pictures of just her. I told her that that really isn’t Supergirl’s reality. Her reality like I told L is that she has a Mom, Dad, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents and friends; this is her life. I don’t care if she has a frown on her face because she is tired of her picture being taken. I don’t care if she has grass stains on her pants. I don’t care if she is wearing food on her clothes or face.

I just don’t care.

I just want pictures.

I will take them any way I can get them.

It is up to me to continue to call up and begin to schedule a visit. They are “too busy”. Is it just me or was that a slap in a face? Did they just tell me that I rate so low in their life that they are too busy to pick up a phone and look at their schedule and say “Hey let’s get together on x day.” No, I get to call up and start the ball rolling and hope that it doesn’t get changed.

I do understand about being busy. Supergirl is the neighborhood social butterfly.

Then yesterday, B, showed up at my door. I really need to deal with him. I tried to use him to take the pain away, to make me forget how bad I was feeling. To make me forget the nightmare that is my life and continues. I tried. It didn’t work. I really need to end things. For me. I will never deny him anything about J. If he asks I will tell him. But for me, I need to sever the connection and work on the new relationship that I hope is just beginning.

A healthy relationship.

I am afraid

I have no appetite.

My stomach is all in knots.

My head is killing me.

I cannot sleep.

How am I going to be awake for Tuesday?

How am I going to be able to say what I need to say?

How will I keep myself there and not run?

How do I not explode with my anger?

After talking with E yesterday, I never learned a healthy way to express anger. J (my father) would just explode, mom would just let it fester until she exploded. Great, now at 35 I have to learn.

I am scarred.

I am afraid of what L has to say.

I am afraid of saying something and she looking at me and telling me “No more”

I am afraid of never seeing my daughter again.

I am afraid that I will be a stranger to her.

I am just afraid.

I just don’t know anymore

I am supposed to get together with E (therapist) and L (amom) on Tuesday.  I know the time but do not know the where.  The only thing about this that I know is that J (supergirl) will not be there and it appears that L will get a babysitter so it won’t be at their house.  Trying to find a place that is open and willing to have us sitting around for who knows how long is kinda tough.  The only place I can think of is a friends rest. but then this friend does not know about J and the whole situation.

I tried calling E numerous times last week and emailed her as well.  It was a shitty week.  A woman I know of from a forum I belong to either intentionally or unintentionally lost her will to live a week and a half ago.  I had talked to her a few times and she was a beautiful woman.  She was adopted and had yet to start looking for her mom.  She placed her daughter in a closed adoption.  So not only did I loose someone I liked to talk to when I could but her mom lost out on knowing her and her daughter will never have the chance to know her.  My friend is getting things together to send to the agency that she used to have these “things” in the file so that if her daughter ever looks for her it will be there and she will learn just the smallest information about this woman.

The same day I get this news my friend C, informs me of her news.

What a banner day.

I am jumping around I know but this is what I am thinking and feeling.

I asked E to set this up with L because we are supposed to have an open adoption.  Yet, I am the one to do all the work when I wish to see Supergirl.  The last time I saw her was 6 months ago.

I miss her. 😦

I miss hearing her laugh.

I miss seeing her smile.

I miss her saying my name.

I miss the fact that she didn’t want me to leave.

I don’t know what they want.  Do they want a semi? if that is the case let me know now so that I can mourn.  I have kept my promises.  I have held up my end of this relationship.  E tells me that they want me in her life.

Actions speak louder than their words.

Let’s see how this goes

I don’t know if this will follow a line or story but will probably be alittle bit of everything and all over the place.

I have a beautiful girl!! She is 3 and she is being raised by her parents. I love her with everything that I have and got in me. I fight and continue because I want her to know me. Know my story and how she came to be. I want her to know only love and laughter. I don’t want her to know the hurt that I grew up with. Her dad, my ex, is not in the picture. His choice. He is the one who talked about adoption. I had hoped …… I will leave that for later. He has now decided that he can move on and he will be fine. I have seen otherwise and I know that this is not true. I have seen him in his depression, I have seen him in his rage. He is hurting. He said it is easier to not ask questions to not know anything and he will be ok.

I won’t.

Silence and friends

There is a situation that has come into my life and I find that I am pulling back from my friend.  Why?

She is about to take guardianship of a 13 month old adorable little boy.  She met him on Tuesday and he will be spending the night at her place tonight to see how he does when there are no other children around.  All ready he has had a rough life.  His mom dropped him off at his Aunt’s house 2 1/2 months ago and hasn’t come back.  This mother allready has had one child taken from her home from the state and her rights terminated.  Another child died, maybe at the hands of a boyfriend.  There is a history of drugs and abuse.  Noone really knows when this little ones birthday is.  What is known is that he was born after Mother’s Day 2006 and before June 1st.

While I am happy for my friend C.  I find myself pulling back from her.  I called her last night and got off the phone quickly because I didn’t want to talk or even think about adoption.  I am having enough problems with my situation.  But how do I support my friend when she stood by me?  How do I not feel hatred for this situation?  How do I seperate my feelings about adoption and that of my friend?