I just don’t know anymore

I am supposed to get together with E (therapist) and L (amom) on Tuesday.  I know the time but do not know the where.  The only thing about this that I know is that J (supergirl) will not be there and it appears that L will get a babysitter so it won’t be at their house.  Trying to find a place that is open and willing to have us sitting around for who knows how long is kinda tough.  The only place I can think of is a friends rest. but then this friend does not know about J and the whole situation.

I tried calling E numerous times last week and emailed her as well.  It was a shitty week.  A woman I know of from a forum I belong to either intentionally or unintentionally lost her will to live a week and a half ago.  I had talked to her a few times and she was a beautiful woman.  She was adopted and had yet to start looking for her mom.  She placed her daughter in a closed adoption.  So not only did I loose someone I liked to talk to when I could but her mom lost out on knowing her and her daughter will never have the chance to know her.  My friend is getting things together to send to the agency that she used to have these “things” in the file so that if her daughter ever looks for her it will be there and she will learn just the smallest information about this woman.

The same day I get this news my friend C, informs me of her news.

What a banner day.

I am jumping around I know but this is what I am thinking and feeling.

I asked E to set this up with L because we are supposed to have an open adoption.  Yet, I am the one to do all the work when I wish to see Supergirl.  The last time I saw her was 6 months ago.

I miss her. 😦

I miss hearing her laugh.

I miss seeing her smile.

I miss her saying my name.

I miss the fact that she didn’t want me to leave.

I don’t know what they want.  Do they want a semi? if that is the case let me know now so that I can mourn.  I have kept my promises.  I have held up my end of this relationship.  E tells me that they want me in her life.

Actions speak louder than their words.

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