I am afraid

I have no appetite.

My stomach is all in knots.

My head is killing me.

I cannot sleep.

How am I going to be awake for Tuesday?

How am I going to be able to say what I need to say?

How will I keep myself there and not run?

How do I not explode with my anger?

After talking with E yesterday, I never learned a healthy way to express anger. J (my father) would just explode, mom would just let it fester until she exploded. Great, now at 35 I have to learn.

I am scarred.

I am afraid of what L has to say.

I am afraid of saying something and she looking at me and telling me “No more”

I am afraid of never seeing my daughter again.

I am afraid that I will be a stranger to her.

I am just afraid.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. BelovedsMama
    Jun 18, 2007 @ 02:28:25

    Hi There,
    I just came across your blog today.

    You’re going through so much. I’m sorry for all of your hurt and your anxiety about this upcoming meeting tomorrow.

    I’m like you, I had to learn how to be assertive, without being aggressive, in adulthood. It is OKAY to assert yourself. It’s necessary. You will always wonder “What if” if you don’t. And if you assert yourself, you’ll know you did everything you could.

    I would say, rehearse in your mind how you want things to go. Rehearse being calm if things get heated. I think visualization is a powerful tool. Visualize the way you want to handle this. Maybe journal the pain to get it out of your heart/out of your mind, before your meeting. So you can go and be refreshed, even if you’re stressed.

    Please try to treat yourself gently. You’ve been through a lot the last week and a half. I’m sorry for your loss of your friend. Be kind to yourself.

    Good luck tomorrow.

  2. Coco
    Jun 20, 2007 @ 08:04:26

    Oh, honey. I so feel you. I feel like we are exactly at the same place.

    Sending you hugs and good thoughts and well, prayers, for what they’re worth.

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