Post big meeting

E told me that she was proud of me.

I don’t know about that. I really don’t remember much. It is still all a jumble and my thoughts are all over the place.

I remember I had to keep telling myself to breathe. To stay where I was at and not leave. That I needed to stay and talk to this woman that I have a relationship with but in the same that I don’t have a relationship with.

I remember that we talked about the whole incident that happened in December. Shortly after my last visit with Supergirl. She had 3 bad days. This isn’t her. Yes she is like any other child/toddler and acts out and everything else but not for 3 days straight. L told me what Supergirl told her: “L is not my real mom.” After 3 days she was herself again. They have told her that she is adopted but they haven’t talked about my relationship to her. They “don’t want to confuse her at this time”

WTF? What is going to happen a few years from now? Maybe even 6 months from now? How are they going to deal with it then?

L then said that she remembered a comment that B (ex, bdad) said on the day that we met L&B, I don’t remember it and neither does B.

She did ask me if I regretted my decision. I told her that it is not so much that I regret what we did but that on some days it just hurts more than others. She asked if I had a problem with getting pictures of just her. I told her that that really isn’t Supergirl’s reality. Her reality like I told L is that she has a Mom, Dad, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents and friends; this is her life. I don’t care if she has a frown on her face because she is tired of her picture being taken. I don’t care if she has grass stains on her pants. I don’t care if she is wearing food on her clothes or face.

I just don’t care.

I just want pictures.

I will take them any way I can get them.

It is up to me to continue to call up and begin to schedule a visit. They are “too busy”. Is it just me or was that a slap in a face? Did they just tell me that I rate so low in their life that they are too busy to pick up a phone and look at their schedule and say “Hey let’s get together on x day.” No, I get to call up and start the ball rolling and hope that it doesn’t get changed.

I do understand about being busy. Supergirl is the neighborhood social butterfly.

Then yesterday, B, showed up at my door. I really need to deal with him. I tried to use him to take the pain away, to make me forget how bad I was feeling. To make me forget the nightmare that is my life and continues. I tried. It didn’t work. I really need to end things. For me. I will never deny him anything about J. If he asks I will tell him. But for me, I need to sever the connection and work on the new relationship that I hope is just beginning.

A healthy relationship.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Coco
    Jun 21, 2007 @ 00:46:52

    Oh yay. The “confusion” excuse. My personal favorite cop-out.

    I’m sorry, Leigh.

  2. jackiejdajda
    Jun 21, 2007 @ 03:20:49

    I am so sorry this is happening..

    How very difficult for you..

    Jackie

  3. Possum
    Jun 24, 2007 @ 04:00:40

    Just found your blog.
    My heart is aching for you.
    These people sound as if they’d be happy if you disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
    The reality is – you are this child’s mother.
    She needs to know.
    Hang in there.
    I’m thinking of you.
    This must be all so very hard.
    Poss. xx

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