The women in my life

I was just talking about this with a friend of mine last night about the number of women we call “Mom”.

I think at the last count it was: 6

There is my actual mom.  I love her and all but we have nothing in common.  There is a woman on the internet that I know just from online and phone calls that I call Mom.  We are tied together because of adoption.

There is a woman at work who we call Mom.  She is a mom.  She knows about Supergirl.  She asks about Supergirl.  She asks how I am doing.

There is the woman who used to live next to my friend C, I just started one day and it has continued to this day.

There a number of others who my brother and I grew up and we were at their house and their kids at our house and so it just got easier to call them Mom.

I often wonder where I would be if not for these women.  They have each offered me something different from the others and I love that they are here for me.  I love that I can go to these women in time of need and talk.

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Empty Arms

I belong to a number of on-line forums, many of them involve all members but there is one that is for birth moms only. Some days I cherish this site. I don’t have to look at all the bullshit of others “She is being ripped from my arms” “Birthmom changed her mind” “Birthmom dropped from site” Sorry

Get the hell over it. TPR not signed: she isn’t yours. We can and do change our minds, we do disappear inorder to take care of oneself. So you know what? Deal with it. Suck it up. Get over it. Love those words, it is what we birthmoms are told. Deal with it. Suck it up. Get over it. Hate to tell ya — it doesn’t happen.

But any way. I belong to a forum that is just for birthmoms. Some days I live for this site. To touch base with my friends. Many of whom I consider family, we are sisters. We are friends. We are survivors. One of my sisters started a topic “Needing something to love”. It made me realize or think about Supergirl more then I have this week. (no I have not one word from them at all the whole week).

My arms ache to hold her.

My hands ache to touch her.

My eyes look for her where ever I go.

A friend of mine has a 14 month old. I wrote about her and baby R and the thing is.  I love this little boy.  It is almost like we are 2 hurt souls and we know this and so we reach each other.  I was up at her place last weekend and he was almost mobile, so C and I were sitting across from each other and we would throw a toy back and forth and have R walk to the other to get it.  When he would come back to me he would run into my arms and just rest his head on my shoulder. I kissed his cheek and he then turned his head and gave me a kiss.  C said that he has yet to give her a kiss.  I got 3 that night.

Earlier this week, I met up with C and R and as soon as she parked the car and opened his door he wanted me. He wouldn’t go go her. He wanted me to carry him to the store and put him in a carriage.  Again I got a kiss as we left.

Is it possible for hurt souls to find others and bond?

It is done

A note has been sent.

I mailed it on Saturday.

They should get it today and if not today then definitely tomorrow.

I want to be home in case they call.

I don’t want to be home in case they don’t call.

It was just a quick and simple note.

Thanking them for the pictures.

I always do this. Always.

Included was just a line “Hope to see you at the picnic this year.”

I still haven’t sent in my RSVP to the agency yet.

I still have alittle while to do that.

Not much time but I do have some.

I just miss her.

If in Newburyport, Mass.

This is just a random post.

If you ever are in Newburyport, Mass. here are some places to try.

Michael’s Harborside, indoor/outdoor seating, seafood, nonseafood. Great view of the Merrimack River.

Strippers Rest., over the bridge of Michael’s, great food

Haley’s: Homemade soft serve icecream (24 flavors) or even ice cream with Jimmies.

My Story

This is one thing I probably won’t write about.

It is for Supergirl to know – to ask.

I do have it written down.

Let’s just say:

I was in a relationship (piss on you for those who think that I slept around).  We got pregnant.  We thought about what we were going to do.  He was all ready working 2 jobs.  He had 2 kids.  1 that he had visitation with, the other he hadn’t seen since she was a babe.  Not his choice and he was paying child support on both.

He brought up adoption.  He brought up open adoption.

He has now decided that “out of site, out of mind”.  This is how he is dealing with Supergirl.  He doesn’t ask about her.  He hasn’t seen her.  But when he does come over, we still talk once in awhile, and he thinks that I have fallen asleep since he shows up at a ungodly hour for me, he will pull out her photo album and look through it.

The rest of the story is for Supergirl.

Everybody’s Broken

My new favorite song by my favorite band

“Everybody’s Broken”

Welcome to the party
Come on in and disappear
You’re feeling like a stranger
But all your friends are here
Little lines and cracks
Around your eyes and mouth
Something’s trying to get in
Something’s trying to get out

It’s ok, to be a little broken
Everybody’s broken, in this life
It’s ok, to feel a little broken
Everybody’s broken, your alright
It’s just life

Step into the deep end
Make yourself at home
When you wonder why your breathing
Know your not alone
It’s so hard to believe
It’s easier to doubt
You’re trying to hold in
But your dying to scream out

It’s ok to be a little broken
Everybody’s broken

In this life
It’s ok to feel a little broken
Everybody’s broken, your alright
It’s alright, it’s just life

[Solo]

Take a look around
Tell me what you see
Is who you think you are
Who you want to be

It’s ok, to be a little broken
Everybody’s broken, in this life
It’s ok, to feel a little broken
Everybody’s broken, your alright
Just keep on going
Eyes wide open
Everybody’s broken
Everybody’s broken
Everybody’s broken
Everybody’s broken
Everybody’s broken
Everybody’s broken
Yeah

Thoughts

I had my first speaking engagement last week.  It was the first time I told my story.

I didn’t break down.

I kept it together.

I wasn’t present the whole time.  E noticed this.  She made a comment about it last week when I saw her for my session.  She was surprised that I didn’t speak up a few times.

There were 5 couples there.  Afterward, 1 couple came up and continued to ask questions.  to see if maybe there was something different that they could do (they have been waiting 3 years).  The other couples? Standing in a corner talking, look over at us, and go back to their conversation.

So that was my birthday.

I am now 36.  I am thinking that I need to resign myself to the fact that Supergirl may be the only child that I have and I lost the chance to be her mom.  Can I tell you something?  This pisses me off the most.  My age doesn’t.  I grew up thinking that your age is just a number.  My grandmother celebrated her 80th birthday last year.  My Aunt and I told her that for her 90th, we would go to Montreal and take her the hotel/rest. that she was to go to on her honeymoon with my grandfather but they couldn’t find the entrance and drove around forever.  We may just do that for her 85th.  My other grandmother had a party when she was old enough for AARP.

I was hoping to have the beginning of a new relationship.  That went down hill.  I think he got scared and ran.  I have seen him online a few times but haven’t heard from him in awhile.  So here I am:  single, 36 and a mother to a child that I cannot call my own.

I went to my mail box last Friday, just 1 1/2 weeks from “the meeting” and I had some more pictures.  E seems to think that this is something to get excited about.  I don’t see it.  If there was something in the quick 1 line note about getting together I think I would have been more excited.  Since there wasn’t — I just don’t see it.