I had my first speaking engagement last week.  It was the first time I told my story.

I didn’t break down.

I kept it together.

I wasn’t present the whole time.  E noticed this.  She made a comment about it last week when I saw her for my session.  She was surprised that I didn’t speak up a few times.

There were 5 couples there.  Afterward, 1 couple came up and continued to ask questions.  to see if maybe there was something different that they could do (they have been waiting 3 years).  The other couples? Standing in a corner talking, look over at us, and go back to their conversation.

So that was my birthday.

I am now 36.  I am thinking that I need to resign myself to the fact that Supergirl may be the only child that I have and I lost the chance to be her mom.  Can I tell you something?  This pisses me off the most.  My age doesn’t.  I grew up thinking that your age is just a number.  My grandmother celebrated her 80th birthday last year.  My Aunt and I told her that for her 90th, we would go to Montreal and take her the hotel/rest. that she was to go to on her honeymoon with my grandfather but they couldn’t find the entrance and drove around forever.  We may just do that for her 85th.  My other grandmother had a party when she was old enough for AARP.

I was hoping to have the beginning of a new relationship.  That went down hill.  I think he got scared and ran.  I have seen him online a few times but haven’t heard from him in awhile.  So here I am:  single, 36 and a mother to a child that I cannot call my own.

I went to my mail box last Friday, just 1 1/2 weeks from “the meeting” and I had some more pictures.  E seems to think that this is something to get excited about.  I don’t see it.  If there was something in the quick 1 line note about getting together I think I would have been more excited.  Since there wasn’t — I just don’t see it.


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