A jumble

Things have still been busy. But I finally wrote them a note and asked about getting together for a visit in October. It has been almost a week and nothing.

Why is it that I have to keep my end of the deal but they are able to drop the ball whenever they care to?

Why are they allowed to show no respect for me but I have to continue to show respect towards them?

How do I look Supergirl in the eye years from now and answer her question “Why did you disappear from my life?”

How do I look her in the eye and tell her that it wasn’t me and that it was them?

Why are they allowed to hide behind their feeble minded excuses and I am not?

Why do I have to own up to my feelings and they don’t?

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I went and saw my doctor this week and I am beginning Zoloft this week. I am hoping to avoid the last 6 weeks of depression.

I am talking about life, work affecting depression. I went and told my supervisor at work. This way she can point out if I am not acting like myself and seem to be going around in a daze.

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I haven’t talked C and baby R in awhile. I like the kid. I like what C is doing. I hate his mom for being the stereo type for what a birthmom is seen as by many people who don’t know what is going on. She is a druggie. She dumped R off at her sisters and didn’t look back. She didn’t call her sister to see how he was doing. C only heard from her when she was served the papers telling her that she had to report to court. She didn’t come, she called the court and said that she had a dentist appointment!??! WTF!!! come on. If it was my child I would be there without hesitation. I would walk there if I had too.

Come to find out she was told from the state already that they would let her have R. They had already removed her other children. C doesn’t even know when R had his last shots. She now has to play catch up with everything.

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Otherwise trying to figure out why people are so unbelievably stupid about things that affect them every day.

Things like:

Birthmom was in incubator (ummm no)

Adoptees have no issues (you know this how)

Not telling them that they are adopted isn’t a bad thing and that you weren’t lied to (that is just so much bs)

Busy

I have been extremely busy lately.  I am working 6 days a week and have been trying to keep up with everything and everyone.  Really hasn’t been working.

We started a new town at work and I am love working out the kinks of these new towns.  This is our biggest town.  We are talking anywhere from 15,000-18,000 runs a year.  We got our first week of runs in and there is almost 200 runs per week so far.  We are close to signing a contract with another HUGE town and we are talking about 20,000 runs per year.  Now wonder I am working anywhere from 42-48 hours a week.  It is tiring.  Physically and mentally.

I am working on a letter to L&B.  I have the envelope addressed.  I haven’t gotten any further than that.  I am hoping to have a visit in October and then another one in December.  Why does it take so long to write a note on a piece of 4×6 paper?  Probably because I am putting my heart and hope in it in the hopes that I get a good response from them.

I met another birthmom the other week.  We had a great time just walking around and talking about everything.  The only I forgot — to get a picture of the day.  But I did pick up a votive holder that I will put alittle tag on it and where I bought it.

I am still trying to get on an antidepressant.  I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor.  I don’t EVER want to be where I was at the end of last month/beginning of this month.

What else???????????????????

oh yeah, trying to eat, sleep and keep my health up.

Update

Right now I still don’t know what is going on. I am still unable to pick up a phone and call them. I am unable to put pen to paper and write them.

I am angry.

I am angry at myself.

I am angry at them.

I am angry, and I hate to write this, at Supergirl.

I am angry at the agency.

I am angry at the state of Mass. and Gov. Patrick.

I am angry at my ex.

If you have been keeping up with adoption and the going ons well…….. Gov. Patrick went and signed a bill which in effect buries Supergirl original birth certificate for life without a court order. The copy the agency gave me is amended and full of errors. There are at list 5 errors on her amended birth certificate. I am now and forever unable to get a copy of her “true” original birth certificate.

My friend, C, is going to court on Tuesday. This is to get guardianship of R. His mom has done nothing to get in touch with C or her own sister to find out about R. C is jealous of me and R. I will go up to her place and R will run into my arms and give a hug and a kiss when I ask for one. He gives her sloppy kisses and raspberries.

I am meeting a fellow birthmom on Friday. I am actually looking forward to it. Looking forward to talking to someone who is going through a situation almost like mine. To put a face to the words that I have been reading for the past couple of months.