I am..

here.  Somewhat.  I am tired.  I am still coughing up a storm.  It appears to be my asthma.  I dislike it with a passion but that is life.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and she said that she has a good relationship with her son’s mom but she is beginning a relationship with his sister.  My friend placed C with a couple and they went on and adopted again.  Her firstmom doesn’t have a relationship with them and it is upsetting to A, adoptive mom.  My friend said how A would love to have a relationship with her daughter’s firstmom but firstmom doesn’t wish for one.

Here I am on the other end and would love a relationship with Supergirl’s parents, L&B, but I apparently frighten them and which to step back.

Are they frightened because they see just from our talks how much alike we are in things that kids should and shouldn’t be able to do?

I am also jealous.  I am jealous of any firstmom who receive calls and letters “just because”.  Or if the child did something really cute or something happened, like, first word, walking, tooth, etc.  I don’t know these things.  I hate to ask about these things.  I hate to ask for pictures from her birthday or Halloween.

Don’t get me wrong.   With all of my gripes — I respect them.  I do, I really do.  I just wish……………………………..

I just wish things were different.  I wish that I was able to tell them that I am not a threat. I am not here to compete for Supergirl’s affection/love. I am just like them.  I want her to happy and healthy and strong and feel good about who she is.

I don’t want her to be upset with them.  Upset with me.

I don’t want her to look at them one day and wonder why they lied to her about who I am.

I want to know what she likes, dislikes.

I want to know our daughter.

Things that tick me off

I read alot.  I read and comment at different forums and I just lurk and read others.  These are just some of the things that tend to tick me off.

PAP’s talking about the baby, who has to be born, as “thier baby”.  Baby hasn’t been born yet so how can you take possession of something/someone that isn’t even around yet?

“Our birthmother”: I mean really, do you talk about people like that.  I am in individual.  I am my babies mother and I am not now nor will I ever be your birthmother.

“She took the baby back”: sorry but these things happen and you know what?  I jump up and down with a smile on my face because someone else will not be going thru the heartache and nightmares and lies that I have had to deal with.  Someone else woke up from their haze and realized that what they were told were lies.  TPR may not have been signed and you know what, then the baby wasn’t yours.  Birthmom was/is still MOM and she is doing what is right for her child.

Am I upsetting some of you yet?  Oh well.

Then there is:

I wish you would have another baby for us.  WTF!!!! is wrong with you?!?!?!  Do you really think I want to go through this again!?!?!  Are you truelly so callous and stupid and ignorant of others to even suggest this.

L told me at our 2nd meeting that she had a dream.  She had a dream that I was pregnant again and I was placing this baby as well.  She laughed.  I went home and cried.  I had to watch them drive away with my girl in their car and I went home and cried and she joked about me doing this again.

Life

I am ill. Physically and mentally ill. I have been sick for most of the week. Wonderful cough is back with power this time around. Sleep is next to nonexistent. Pain is a 24/7 thing. To breathe, to cough, to sneeze, to eat. It is on the move to my chest and my ear.

I am ill from not hearing anything. Since I am sick I was/am thinking about sending or calling E and ask her to call L and tell her that she doesn’t need to be afraid of getting together with me at this time because I am sick. Maybe then she can find out just what in the heck is going on.

I am trying to keep busy. I cancelled E because I felt awful on Friday. I still did when I woke up yesterday but a friend called and said that she wanted to spend money. I told her that while I had no money to spend I would join her. We haven’t done anything together for awhile. It has been a good number of months between the last time T and I did anything. It was nice. I met her up at her house and we went North. We walked the shops, she bought lots of stuff. I bought a few things.

My mind has moved to Christmas. To wonder what I will get Supergirl for Christmas. What does she like know?

What doesn’t she like?

What size does she wear?

Am I really that much of a nasty person to want to be in her life? to answer her questions. Not the questions that L&B ask me.

I don’t know.

In the future..

will she know who I am?

will he (B) know who she is?

will he (B) have a relationship with her?

will they get over this fear that they seem to have?

I haven’t seen or talked to B since the big meeting in June.  He showed up to my place the day after and I wanted to forget about the day before.  I wanted to forget the pain that I was feeling.  The ache, the hurt that I had.  That I was carrying around.  It didn’t work.

So here it is going onto 4 months later and nothing.  In many ways I like the fact that I haven’t heard from him or seen him.  On the other hand, he knows about Supergirl.  He may not ask that many questions but sometimes he asks.  He looks at her pictures.  I don’t have to hide her from him.  I don’t have to hide who I am and my relationship with her.

Now I hide.

Now I tell noone.  I hate that I feel like this again.  I hate the fact that I want to hide Supergirl when she is the greatest thing around.  IMO.

The circus is in town

I spent the better part of twenty minutes scanning North Station.  Looking at the sea of parents with children.  Looking around and wondering are they taking her to the circus this year.

Is she still afraid of some of the big animals?  Are they going tomorrow since it is a holiday?  Did they go today? Did they drive in? or take the T?

I wonder.

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E seems to think that they may be freaked/afraid because of an incident after my last visit.  One that I didn’t know about.  One that I wouldn’t know about if E didn’t call them up.  I think that she (E) may be getting ready to do that again.

I told her about the letter I sent to them.  I told them what I said to them.

I told her about the note that I mailed, now almost 2 weeks ago.  I told her what I remembered from it.

I didn’t realize that picking up a phone and calling was such a hard thing to do.

Wait a minute.  Yes I do but this is only to say “yes” or “no”.

Do I

just walk away and tell myself that I did everything that I could?

Do I just sit back and take whatever that they let me have with Supergirl?

Do I just continue to kick and scream and be a thorn in their side?

It has now been over a week since I did what they said I had to do in order to get a visit.  I asked for one.

My response:  NOTHING!!

Am I mad, hell yeah!

Why does one side have to do all the work when we all signed the same piece of paper?

How do I explain this to Supergirl down the line?

I don’t say anything bad about her parents but really, it is very upsetting, frustrating, emotional to have the one thing you wish so close and yet so far.  KWIM?

I won’t drive up to their place.  I cannot do that.  That would ruin any chance of a relationship now or later.  I would have broken their trust and my word.

But what about them?

Can someone tell me that please?