The person I was

I was the good kid. My brother was the devil child as we called him. He was the one to always break curfew and get in trouble. He was the one who was always grounded while I was free to come and go as I please.

Was I then the angel child to my brothers devil act? Not quite. I skipped school. I smoked. There is one story when I was a teenager in high school and I skipped school with some friends and we came back to my house and were chillin out and my brother came home. He later told my mom that I wasn’t in school and that there were people in the house; my boyfriend at the time included. He was grounded for lieing and I was free to come and go. My brother told the truth and was grounded.

We moved my senior year and all of that changed. I stayed in school. I graduated. I was engaged to be married by Thanksgiving of my senior year. We were going to get married after I graduated college. But then life happened. Desert Storm happened. He went through some issues and wrote me a Dear Jane letter. He came home and was engaged and got married.

We moved again and my parents marriage fell apart. I no longer was told that I was stupid, lazy, fat. That I would never amount to anything. These are the “loving” words from “my father”. I don’t call him that. I don’t use that word with him.  I grew up with these words coming from his mouth.  That was my life.  I was the honors class kid, I brought home A’s an d B’s, and was told I was stupid.

I didn’t do therapy.  I didn’t know I suffered from depression.  I don’t remember a huge portion of my childhood.  I have huge memories I don’t know.

I wasn’t in a relationship for years.  I moved again.

I got involved with someone who is 9 years younger then me. He had 2 kids.  ! he saw, the other one, he was paying child support for but was not allowed to see.  We talked about getting pregnant and having a family of our own.  He lost a good job and we decided to wait.  By then I was pregnant.

I kept hearing my fathers voice.  I went to sleep and his words would fill my dreams, my waking thoughts.

I am in therapy and realized I could have kept Supergirl.  I could have been her mother.  I could give her the everyday love and not the long distance love and thoughts.

I could have.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Coco
    Nov 15, 2007 @ 03:42:34

    I know how you feel. (((((HUGS)))))

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