Thoughts & Feelings

I haven’t written much lately. Really I wonder why.

There will always be those people who want to learn about the feelings of others in this, heck, not even a triad, but a straight line. Then there will always be those who really don’t give a shit and think that they are right and they don’t care what others have to say. So to those who think that they are always right and that you have the “perfect” adoption and situation. Guess what ~~~~~~ continue to fool yourself because I want to be here and laugh in your face when the shit hits the fan.

Why am I sooo angry?  I couldn’t tell you.  It better not be because my anti-depressant was cut in half.  I really cannot deal with the sleeplessness that it causes.

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I am kinda glad that this year is over.  That means I get to see my girl.  I get to see her smile and hear her laugh.

I went overboard at Christmas.  Personally, I really don’t care how they feel about it.  She is my girl.  I shop for her the same way that I shop for everyone else I am getting presents for.  It is a yearlong event.  If I see something that I think she would like and I can, I will buy it then.  As it turns out I have enough for Christmas, a visit, and for her birthday.  I mean if I wanted to just keep with what I have now — I won’t have to buy anything for her until I start shopping for next Christmas.

Happy Holidays

To all of my dear and wonderful friends:  I hope you have a great holiday and a wonderful Christmas.

I hope you have  a great day, whether by yourself or with family, enjoy yourselves.

There is snow on the ground

It is 2am and I just want to be outside and walk around and see the snow that has fallen. To look at it hanging on the trees. To just walk around and be in awe of the beauty of it. Before the sun comes out.

Before the rain comes on Sunday.

Before the temp. goes up to the upper 30’s on Saturday and upper 40’s on Sunday

I took a number of pictures  when I got home from work tonight but haven’t figured out how to add them. It was 1:15 in the morning and I pulled into the parking lot and I just wanted to walk around. I wanted to walk home from work and just look at the trees and see the snow. To see the moon light fall between the trees, between the branches.

Then of-course my mind moved to Supergirl.

Is she happy?

Is she healthy?

Is she having fun in the snow?

Has she been able to play in the snow?

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Then because of Mother Nature and having to work, I haven’t been home. I have been at my Grandmothers while she is out of town. So why am I mentioning this you maybe wondering?

Well………………………………….

All of Supergirls presents are at my apartment. Waiting to be wrapped and mailed to her so that she will open them on Christmas and have some fun. And because of Mother Nature, she will not have her presents. She will have nothing to open from me.

That hurts.

That occurred to me tonight and then I had tears.

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All of this in one night.

I was sitting at work tonight and I looked at one of my coworkers and I wanted to tell her about Supergirl. I wanted to talk to her and let her know who Supergirl is and who I am. She is a fostermom to her nephews. I just looked at her and almost called her name. She wasn’t looking at me so she never knew I was going to say anything to her.

Opportunity lost

I was getting ready to go outside and clean my car off and get it started to come home. I walked out the door to find one of my coworkers clearing the snow from my car. 🙂 🙂

Once again I had tears in my eyes.

This weekend

I was away this weekend.  I was up at my Aunt’s house and I needed it.  I just needed to get away from everyone and everything.  Away from my phone so that noone could find me.

I was having a week and then B called.  He called me on Monday night.  I called him back on Tuesday.  He asked why I didn’t go and talk to him when I almost ran into him at the bar.  Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to him.  Maybe because I didn’t want to ruin a good day?  Maybe because I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore?

He asked me how I was doing.  I just kept it simple – sick.  He asked how work was — busy.  He asked if I wanted to talk to him.  I just told him that I didn’t have a voice and it hurt to talk.  He told me to call him when I was feeling better and if I go up to the club/bar and he is there, to come in and talk to him.  Please………………  I have to do as you say now?  since when you fucking idiot.

I had found pictures of his son, C, awhile ago and I was going to mail them to him.  I now cannot find them.  I found one and I will mail that to him and include a note that says “oh by the way, even though you didn’t ask, Supergirl is just fine, thanks for asking.”  I am thinking about being evil and including a photo of Supergirl in there.  It will not be a recent photo.

Maybe one from this summer.

I really don’t know.

Many of you maybe happy to hear, that I called and spoke to L, before I went out of town.  I am hoping against hope that I will see my Supergirl next month.  I will see her smile in person.

I will hear her laugh.

I will see her smile.

She will see me.

She will see her in me.

I have started my new antidepressant.  So far so good.  I notice that I don’t have the anger as much as I used to and that I am not sleeping my day away.  Let’s see if that stays that way.

I am

sick.

I have lost my voice.  Maybe it is a good thing.  I cannot call L now.  I cannot call anyone.  I have nothing to say anyway.

I haven’t meant to neglect this but work is locking a number of sites because of a few people who now ruin it for the majority.  As it is, I cannot sign into my email.  So I will just have to write when I can.

Life

once again stinks.

Once again I am falling into a depression.

The difference this time

…………………………………………

I don’t want to fight it.