A little bit of everything

I come in and look and I had over 70 views yesterday.  WOW!!!  whoever looked thank you.  Leave a quick note.

Things have been………………………. here.  I really don’t know how to explain it.  How do describe it.

I have been having nightmares that something is wrong with Supergirl.  What is wrong? I don’t know.  I just wake up knowing that something is wrong with her.  Is she sick? Is there something wrong with her?  I don’t know.  I am afraid to call L and find out.  I am afraid of what she may tell me.

Then ofcourse with the nightmares B comes in.  Just what I don’t what a double nightmare.  Who needs those? I sure don’t.  What becomes interesting is that I have been talking to one of B’s ex’s.  Here is the really weird part, we both have the same name.  So we have been talking.  She knows about Supergirl but she doesn’t know about her.  So it makes me want to call him up and just let him know.  To ask him if his ears are burning since we are talking about him.  Do I? No.  I think about it.  I admit it.  I just really don’t want to deal with the drama that he brings to my life.  I really don’t/want/need that right now.  My life has been quiet.  My life has been peaceful.

Well, as peaceful as it can be with me. 😉

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Attachment

Do we as first mothers attach to our child while we are pregnant?

I think in a way we do. Do all of us? Ofcourse not. It is like telling everyone that the sky is purple. You know that there will be those that agree with you and then there will be others who won’t.

Is it a bad thing? Heck no. I think, in a way, it is a way to protect ourself. We have to have sort of protection or I think we would go mad with grief.

For me, personally. I tried not to attach myself to Supergirl. Boy, did I. I tried to tell myself that I was not pregnant. You couldn’t tell me that I was. I fought about it. I denied it. I even ……. that is for Supergirl. Then I was told that I was a high risk pregnancy. What did that mean? I probably would not carry to term. I would probably have to go on bed rest. I would have to go in for a non-stress test. Every week.

I tried not to attach but then I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and she moved. She didn’t want us to bother her. So here I am, laying in a hospital bed with a nurse chasing her around with the monitor so that we could get her heartbeat. All I could do was laugh. That was when I knew I was attached to her.

I would get her to settle down at 2am in the morning when I was trying to go to sleep. I was able to wake her up when it was time to go for those stupid stress test.  She would settle down if B and I were singing.  She was quiet.

Come to find out she still loves music and will move.  I told L that she did that ALOT.  Have I told L everything? Nope.  Will I? Probably not.  That stuff is for Supergirl to ask me and not for me to tell L and then pass it on to her.

So do we attach?  In many ways we do but it is not a bad or evil thing if we do not.  It is called surviving.  We need to do what we do in order to survive and to keep or sanity.

The EX

I was sent a crushing  blow the other day.  I was all set up for a visit.  A visit I haven’t had in months, now  I am looking at maybe 14 months between visits.

I fought the urge to call the ex.  I wanted to.  I picked up the phone and called, his number is still not working. Thankfull about that.  Then I hid out at a friends place for the afternoon.  I kept going to Myspace and pulling up his page.  My hand kept hovering above the message button, I wanted to send him a note.  I wanted to see him.  I wanted him to comfort me in the way that noone has been able too.  I wanted his arms around me.  I wanted to hear him say that, I really didn’t care what he said, as long as he was there.

I had told my friend, T, that I would need to go out this weekend.  We went out.  I spent the evening with friends and I laughed.  I laughed to the point that my face hurt.  I had tears, not from crying but from laughing.  I was hoping before we left that he would not be there.  I was glad that he wasn’t. I am still pondering sending him a message. My finger still hovers over that button.

Then I wonder what will I tell him?  I went in and saw E today.  I told her that I wanted to talk to him.  That I kept going back to Myspace to go to his page and that I was close to sending him a message.  Why after all this time that he is the one that I wish to run to?  What would I say to him?  Would I have anything to say to him?  Would I be able to be polite to talk to him or would I let all of my anger out and just lash out at him?

I really don’t know and right now I am still glad that his phone does not work.

depression

i was lookinf forward to a visit.

nope

no visit

2008

I do have some goals for 2008.

What are they you may be wondering?  well………………………

I would like to see Supergirl atleast 3 times this year.

I would like to call L more and just talk.  Does it have to be about Supergirl? Heck no, but then that is always an added bonus.

I would like to lose some weight.  How much? I am not sure.  Just some weight would be nice.

I would like to get some of my finances in order, well, better order then they are currently.

I would like to go on a vacation.  A mini vacation would be nice.  A long weekend away, does not have to be far away.  Could easily just be up to New Hampshire or Maine.

I would like to get organized at home.

I would like to get my life simplier then it is now.  Do you know what I am talking about?

New Year, New Goals

Now that we are a week into this new year I figured I would write my goals.   I don’t make resolutions because when they are not met I feel really bad about myself.

I had a few goals to end out the year.

1) to get Supergirl’s Christmas presents to her before the year was over

2) to get the ball rolling on a visit.

Well,  I made those goals.  🙂

I played phone tag with L over the weekend into Monday and when we were finally able to talk to a person and not the voice mail we were on the phone for a 1/2 hour.

I am seeing L and Supergirl on Friday.  2, count them, 2 days from now.  In under 72 hours I will see Supergirl and her smile.  To hear her talk.  To just see for myself how big she has gotten.

I was caught up on some of her adventures.  Her likes in food and her unlikes in food.  How she and I do not really like to eat breakfast.  We will eat something if we are forced to but would rather wait a few hours before we have something and then it isn’t anything big (unless I meet friends for breakfast because then I am having my 3 egg omelet with cheese and ham, home fries and English muffin).

Now I hear it going to rain.  We are meeting at a restaurant.  If it is raining then I will not be able to get alot of pictures.  That stinks.

I hate that part.

I really do.

but I get to see my girl.

After 1 year, 1 month and 4 days, I will be able to see Supergirl again.