The EX

I was sent a crushing  blow the other day.  I was all set up for a visit.  A visit I haven’t had in months, now  I am looking at maybe 14 months between visits.

I fought the urge to call the ex.  I wanted to.  I picked up the phone and called, his number is still not working. Thankfull about that.  Then I hid out at a friends place for the afternoon.  I kept going to Myspace and pulling up his page.  My hand kept hovering above the message button, I wanted to send him a note.  I wanted to see him.  I wanted him to comfort me in the way that noone has been able too.  I wanted his arms around me.  I wanted to hear him say that, I really didn’t care what he said, as long as he was there.

I had told my friend, T, that I would need to go out this weekend.  We went out.  I spent the evening with friends and I laughed.  I laughed to the point that my face hurt.  I had tears, not from crying but from laughing.  I was hoping before we left that he would not be there.  I was glad that he wasn’t. I am still pondering sending him a message. My finger still hovers over that button.

Then I wonder what will I tell him?  I went in and saw E today.  I told her that I wanted to talk to him.  That I kept going back to Myspace to go to his page and that I was close to sending him a message.  Why after all this time that he is the one that I wish to run to?  What would I say to him?  Would I have anything to say to him?  Would I be able to be polite to talk to him or would I let all of my anger out and just lash out at him?

I really don’t know and right now I am still glad that his phone does not work.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. brown325
    Jan 22, 2008 @ 06:23:30

    (((((HUGS))))

    I’ve been there. I think it’s that no matter what they’ve put us through, we think that they are the only ones who can truly understand our feelings, because they too are the b-parent of our children, KWIM???

    Hang in there love =)

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