Hi, my name is L

Sometimes I feel like walking into a room and just start saying:

Hi, my name is L, I am addicted to scrapbooking, reading, watching movies, being with friends, being alone.  I am also a Firstmom.

What do you think I would get a response to?

I can tell you, it probably won’t be a response to me being a first mom.   That is the elephant in the room that noone talks about.  Noone brings up because it might “upset” me.

It came up last night.

We had 2 people start training last night.  One looks like Paula Dean.  If you don’t know who she is go to FoodNetwork.com and type in her name.  She is very funny.  So is this woman.  We were sitting in the kitchen having dinner when she asked those of us at the table if we had kids.

I could have said yes.

I chickened out and said no.  I have none. 😦  I felt bad about it.  I felt that I hide Supergirl and protect who she is.  I couldn’t let this woman, this new woman know my secret yet.  I couldn’t let myself say “I have a daughter who will be 4 shortly.” 

My body wouldn’t let me.  My brain just spoke for me.

I am sorry Supergirl.

I am pissed

There are no other words for it.

I am trying to understand.

I am really.

In the mean time I sit with tears in my eyes trying not to cry while I am at work.

I was hoping for a visit this month or next month.  I need a visit.  I need it like oxygen at the moment.  It has been 14 months since I have since the smile in person.  It now looks to be 2 more months.

I am so beyond pissed, upset, done, depressed it isn’t funny anymore. 

How much more am I expected to take?

How much more do I have to take?

How much do I wish I could get in touch with B right now?

Anger

I am angry.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know how to stop it.

It has been going on for a week and not even a great shopping experience last weekend helped.  I mean almost everything I bought was on sale.

This weekend:

I tried to scrapbook.  I don’t like the way the layouts came out.

I tried to read.  Couldn’t concentrate.

I tried to watch movies and just kept breaking down.

So I ended up having a few drinks and fell asleep listening to Evanescence and Finger 11.

Did it help?

not really

Friends

I admit it.  I was a Friends junkie.  I knew the stories.  I knew the characters.  I was happy when Rachel and Ross got together and yelled at the tv when Ross ruined it.  I cried when Phoebe got married.  I was happy when Monica and Chandler started their relationship and finally got it out in the open and married.

Then it was over.  So I went and signed up for Netflix and added “Friends” to the list.  I forgot some of it.  Selective memory loss? Maybe.  I forgot the episode when Rachel was in the hospital with the mix up with the ring.

Why did I forget?  I was admitted to the hospital that night.  2 days later Supergirl would make her appearance known to all.

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Then there was Season 10.  The final season.  Monica and Chandler going through the adoption process.  I don’t remember most of this season.  When I watched it recently I yelled at the tv because of the way that they decided to play Erica, the birth mom.  She was played as the truelly dumb blonde.  To to it off.  Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, there is the stereo type that she didn’t know who the dad was.  She didn’t know that she was carrying twins.  She left the screen and that was it and they (Monica/Chandler) were able to take the babies home on the same day.  What I wonder now is: where were the car seats?

I don’t like Friends so much anymore.

Long Week

It has been such a long week.  I am all ready for the week to be over.  I am ready for Girl’s Night tomorrow night.  I need a night where I am not tempted in picking up the phone and calling B.  Where I am not tempted to send him a note online.  Where I don’t have to put on a smile and talk to his ex.

I hate that when I feel low I turn to him.  I hate this part of me.  I really don’t like it.  I don’t turn to food or drink I turn to someone much worse. B.  The one person who can make me smile is also the same person who can make me feel low about myself.

I am feeling ok.  Still sneezing, and coughing.  Still working on a few other posts.

just a note

I have a few posts started but once again I am sick.

It feels as if I was in a fight.  If so, I want to see what the other person looks like.

So, I am on my way home to get some sleep and hope to wake up to hear that not only did the New England Patriots win but that I won some money from the pool at work 😉