Why is it??

That I am held to a higher standard?

That I am the one who has to jump through hoops?

 That I am the one who is sitting here hurting?

That I am the one who needs to walk away?

That I am the one who won’t because of Supergirl?

That I am in the mood to argue with anyone about anything?

That I just want to show up on their doorstep?

That I want to drive by their house at all hours?

That I want to crank call them at all hours?

That I just want to get out of town?

A unexpected surprise

Nope, not what you think.

I still haven’t heard a word.  Not even a response to the Easter card I sent out to Supergirl.

However, I went out last night.

I needed to.  A dear friend needed to as well so we met up at the bar.  Shortly after we walked in a long ago friend walked in.  Pay attention, here is where it can get alittle confusing.  😉

K is the mother of B’s half brother from his stepfather, who he calls Dad.  Which means that her son, J, who is 6 months younger than Supergirl, is Supergirl’s Uncle.

Got it? LOL yeah I know a mouth full and if I explain the whole family saga it will a few Jerry Springer episodes.   Sometimes I cannot even keep up.

I did the other find some recent updated pictures of B from his sisters myspace page.  So what did I do?  Took my camera;  snapped some photos, got them printed and will be putting them in Supergirl’s box.  That box of things that I don’t take out all that often because of the pain it brings with it.


I did get some good news today when I opened my email.  RENT is on Broadway until September 7th, 2008!!

3 weeks

It is now 3 weeks and counting.


I am about to just wrap and send her presents out.

Why keep them around?

Why keep them in a box taking up space on my floor?

This is really starting to bite it big time.

Started to take the antidepressants again.

Really, really bad month coming up.  Everything dealing with adoption happens next month.

Supergirls birth.

Leaving the hospital.

Signing the TPR.

Meeting L&B.

Grandfather passing away.

First visit right before her 1st birthday.

B’s birthday (there is a headache I don’t want)


What to do you think of when you hear these names:

Tracie Thoms of Cold Case

Jesse L. Martin of Law & Order

Taye Diggs of Private Practice

I think of them from RENT. Jesse and Taye were from the original Broadway production of RENT and they, along with many other of the old timers came back for the movie version. Tracie came in the movie version as Joann.

When I saw E, my therapist, the other day she asked what I was listening to. She knows that my mood reflects the music that I will listen to. I told her that I have been falling asleep with RENT playing in my CD player. She was excited. I told her that the show is closing and that I have never seen the show in New York and I should go down and see it. I would like to more than anything.

To sit in the audience and just soak in all the sights around me. How ever I can really only afford when it comes through Boston every year. Missed this year though. Must go next year.

Here is just a sample of what I am talking about with the lyrics.

Another Day

The heart may freeze or it can burn

The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future

There is no past

I live the moment

As my last

There’s only yes

only tonight

We must let go

To know what’s right

No other course

No other way

No Day But Today

I can’t control

my destiny

I trust my soul

My only goal

is just to be.

There’s only now

There’s only here

Give into love

Or live in fear

No other path

No other way

No Day But Today

Seasons of Love

*I will shorten this a bit

525,600 minutes

Moments so dear

How do you measure

measure a year?

in daylights, in sunsets

in midnights, in cups of coffee

in inches, in miles

in laughter, in strife

Measure your life in love.

It is a shame that Jonathan Larson died before he saw this open on Broadway.

I remember flying up to Mass for a friends wedding in 1996. I was sitting in my Grandparents living-room watching the Tony Awards when the cast sang “Seasons of Love” I wanted to see the show then.

It was powerful then and it is powerful now.

A night out

I spent the night out with friends. The ones who showed up and were there I would go to and help in a phone call. So when they came out all because I said I needed a night out: it made it a great night. I had a few drinks, Malibu and coke, highly recommend 😉 not overly sweet and just tastes great!! LOL

Any how it got me thinking after I dropped off C at her place just how much music is tied to me as well. My mom was always singing. If there was a song on the radio that she liked she would start singing. I am the same way. One of my grandmothers is the same. But like I was saying………………….. How some songs/artists  just make me feel better.
Here are just a few:

The original Broadway recording of RENT.  There is nothing wrong with the movie but it does not have the depth that the original has.  I am a RENT head.  I can listen to the CD and tell you what the stage looks like.  I still cry at the same points.  I still just start to look around during one song because there is like, 20 voices going on at once.  I will be heart broken on June 1st when RENT closes on Broadway.  Thank heaven for tours 🙂 😉

Don’t ask me why but Alannis Morrisette is another.  I mean, just listen to the words of Ironic or You Oughta Know.  All though I was told this past weekend that I don’t sing them like I used to (sorry) I guess I don’t have the anger behind them but I can still nail them.

10,000 Maniacs/Natalie Merchant is another.  Because the Night is always good. Carnival is another.

Dixie Chicks has always been a favorite, even when everyone else seemed to have a problem with them.  Not Ready to Make Nice, Voice Inside My Head, Landslide.  I could go on where they are concerned.

When I am angry there are those bands that just make me feel good about my bad moods.  Nickleback, Disturbed, Korn, Sixx AM, Metallica, etc.

All though I did manage to have one of my coworkers look at me in a new light when she asked if she could borrow a few CD’s to listen to and she looked through them and asked “Are these really yours?”  yeap, I burned them all.  She told her husband and his response was “Okay, she is totally cool.”

I guess I am.

Music makes me who I am and I listen to almost all of it.

I sing some of it but like everything else: depends on my mood.


So who would like to join me in a countdown??

A countdown to what you may be asking yourself?

A countdown to when I will see Supergirl.

I have no idea when it is.

I have no idea where it will be.

I just know that I was told I would be getting a visit before her birthday.

Just so you know, as of today, her birthday is 34 days away.

Not on my mind much is she 😉

So will the visit be in

1 week?

2 weeks?

3 weeks?

4 weeks?

any takers?

Why is it?

I went out Saturday night and there a few friends out.  Not many, since we are all resting for this weekend and the St. Patty’s party coming up this weekend.  So while I was just relaxing and thinking that I could go home and get some sleep one person came up to me and said:

“So how is the baby?  I know she isn’t a baby anymore but I hope you don’t mind me asking about her.”

I don’t talk to her anymore.  She lied to me.  She hurt me.  I do not easily forgive.  It is not my nature.  Hurt me once, okay, but then again forget about it.

She said I didn’t appear as cold as I was the last time she was out.

Excuse me????  I didn’t talk to you then because I didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to this past weekend but I was hoping someone else would show up.  Really, anyone.

So anyway, I told her that Supergirl is going to be 4 next month and that she doesn’t look like B anymore.  They are friends on Myspace, I am sure she still talks to him so I will just put little things out there like this.  I said it was better for her that she didn’t look like him.

Why is it the one person I don’t care for, besides B, that asks about Supergirl?


On another note.

I told someone else about Supergirl.

Another coworker.

She just told some of us that she is pregnant.  We were talking and I knew I would be able to talk about what is going on but I was quiet.  She came over to my desk Friday and she was talking and I just made a comment about not being able to have red sauce with pizza or pasta while pregnant.  She looked at me and I just said “Oh yeah, Supergirl will be 4 next month and she was placed for adoption.”  Her first question “Where does she live, close I hope?”  I could have cried at that point. So I told her where they live.  She said that it is a good thing that they live close and that Supergirl is gorgeous.  Ofcourse I think so but it is still nice to hear.

I was hoping that I would be getting a visit sometime soon but when I got a call from L she said that they were going on vacation later this month and how about we get together after they get back.   ???? huh????  So I am hoping to get together soon but as it looks it could be in 3, 4, or even 5 weeks from now.  She said before Supergirl’s birthday.

I hope.

New Song

I listen to alot of music.

I was very angry awhile ago and then I heard this song


“Life Is Beautiful”

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Why this song?

Why now?

I don’t know but the song is just: beautiful

In general

I have a few posts started.

I just don’t know how to say what I want to say.

I miss Supergirl.

I am so afraid to do something.

I just wanted to drop in and give a quick Hello to everyone.

I guess, really, is that I am trying to prepare myself for next month when this month has started.

Is that a good thing?