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I have a mess of books to read and I blame my friends for that!!!

I blame Coco for showing me to Bookswim.  I blame my IRL friends for knowing me too well for my birthday.  The bookcase is being cleaned out again.  Either friends will get the fallout, or some online friends will get the fall out but I have a feeling that a good number will be donated to charity.  Again.

I have one friend, who the last time I saw her was in Barnes and Noble, and she gave me a gift card for my birthday.  I think from that one GC I went and purchased a total of 8 books.  Love sales!!!!

Now to make room from the latest shipment of chicklit and adoption related books to get me through the next few months.  Luckily it takes some time to go in and see therapist!!  Otherwise I doubt I would get as much reading done as I do with the train rides.

The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.


Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.


Every once in awhile I will look and see what people have typed in to find my blog.

The music ones are great!!  Those seem to happen everyday.

Then I came across this one


How to secure a birthmom

I am not here to tell you how to find yourself a firstmom.  If you think that —  get away from me!!!  I will never tell you how to rip a part of a soul away from another woman and say it is in the name of love.  I will never tell you what I read some other people do.  Tell lies and then go back on your words because you got what you wanted.

Won’t happen.

Especially from this woman, who goes by the nickname of Bitch.


This has been sitting here for awhile and I figure, might as well get it out of my saved post and just get it out.

I came across a thread from one of the forums I belong to.  I got sick to my stomach.  I talked to a friend of mine who is also a firstmom and she had the same reaction.  I talked to a friend of mine who has no ties to adoption and only knows about my situation and she had the same reaction.  Here it is, weeks later, and I have the same feeling.

Foster mothers breast feeding their foster children?!?!?!?!?!?!  Yes you read correctly.  Foster mothers who are breast feeding their foster children.  These are not adoption situations, these are foster situations.  If it was  an adoption situation that makes for a different story all together but it isn’t.  This is a situation where you will not, in all likely hood, keep the children in which you are breast feeding.

All this is in the name of bonding.  gag.  For me to read this, this is the foster mothering wanting to do something that, in all reality, she should not be doing.  What happens to this kid if they are moved to another home where there is no breast feeding?

Then there was another thread that I couldn’t tell you what it was about but all I saw was an pap (prospective adoptive parent) write “our birthmother”.

Hate to tell you, but your expectant mother is not your birthmother.  In order for her to be that she would have had to been born before you and become pregnant, place you for adoption, then become frozen for a number of years in order for her to be thawed out and then go through this whole hell all over again.  I don’t see that happening.  I doubt it even happened.  This expectant mother, who has not given birth, will be the child’s birthmother if she goes through with the placement.

I wanted to scream at her!!!  Learn before you continue with this!!!!  Just from this one post I learned how much you don’t know and how much you need to learn.


This has been a weird week.

They say that bad news comes in 3’s.  Well, I ended up hitting that all in one day but I didn’t know it.


My coworkers sister passed away on Tuesday.  She was only 24 years old.  She had Cancer and while she was going to get a bone marrow transfer, she caught Chicken Pox.  Chicken Pox helped to bring her down.  Sassy, I am sorry to hear about your sister and just know that now she is with your Mom and in no more pain.


There was a news story that I caught just a bit of and was unable to hear about it on Tuesday.  Come to find out it was my cubby mates nephew.  He was hanging out with friends and he was dared to jump.  He jumped.  The riptide and current was so strong that when the sun set on Monday they had to suspend the search until Tuesday.  J was not in the best spirits when I saw her.   We all call her Mom.  If you looked in her filing cabinets you would understand.  Bandaids, ear phones, batteries, aspirin, Motrin, the all important Chocolate, slippers, scarf, etc.


He was a local restaurant owner and author.  He did things for Big Brother/Big Sisters.  I met him a few times and had to say he was funny.  He wrote 3 books and Biker Boy is in book two and Phil asked Biker Boy to be his bodyguard when they went on tour.  Phil was even booked on The Tonight Show.  Unfortunately, the ride fell through and nothing else came of it.  Phil went missing on Friday, 6/27 and was reported missing by his wife and was found on 7/2 of an apparent suicide in the parking lot of a  Walmart in Epping, New Hampshire.

Phil Englehardt will be missed by many.  I went up to Seabrook, New Hampshire yesterday and there were flowers in the entrance way of the Honey Bee.  The restaurant that he owned for many years and that he closed down in 07.



Things around here have been…………………………….. well, here.

I have been neglecting my blog and I am sorry for that.  I actually am now writing things out at my lunch break when I am not reading.  Hard to do since I normally put on the headphones and blast some music, depending on my mood — depends on the music, and read.  But I have been putting pen to paper and writing.  I have a few posts in the works and will update for all.


adoption  (like that is ever far from me)

ex’s (just like above)

music (when am I not talking about music -LOL)