Mediation

There.

I said it.

I finally agreed to a version of mediation.  There will not be a face to face.  I cannot handle that.  I know that I cannot handle that.

It will be done by phone.  A third party will call them.  That third party will call me.  We will talk.

Since then I have been sick.

10 things part 2

Yes, I feel the need to do this again.

In case you didn’t read the first one.  You write down 10 things without mentioning the person’s name.  It works. I felt better after the last one.

1) WTF you complete idiot.  You have no relationship with Supergirl but you ask me if I went through this hell again and am allowing a friend to raise a child of mine!!!  You are not even worth me responding.  However, I still let you know when I get pictures.  How stupid does that make me?

2) I wish I could go home with you.  I know that this week will not be easy.  I was happy to know that you cried with your friends during the wake.  This way I know that you are not holding it all in.  You know I will be here for you when you get back.  We will talk.  We won’t talk.  We will just be.  And all of us will help you.

3) Are you trying to drive me insane!!! I really don’t know what to say to you anymore so I don’t.  Are you guilty about something??  Something weighing on your mind and you don’t want to feel guilty so you are doing what you are doing?  Believe me, I love getting them.  But you are screwing with my mind and I don’t know how much more I can handle from you.

4) Are you upset with the fact that Supergirl is looking more and more like me?  I hope you are because I am loving it.  I love looking at her  and seeing me and knowing that there will be none of you.

5) I am happy that Supergirl doesn’t look like you anymore.  I am glad that I don’t have to look at her pictures and see you.  I am glad that I can look at her pictures and not really notice you there.

6) Stop your flipping whining.  I really don’t care if you feel you are getting bullied.  Or that you feel that way.  If you did your work and didn’t sit around and talk maybe you wouldn’t feel that way.  You are the reason I cannot go home early if boss is not there.

7) It is about time you have a job.  but did you have to get one at the one place that I happen to enjoy going to?  Does it have to be the one place where I can go and not worry about you walking in the door?  You know you are a little too tall to try and spy on me in the parking lot.  I saw the looks I got when I went to give some guy friends a hug. 

8) I cannot wait to see you again!!  I need a girls day where we can talk about our beautiful girls and laugh and cry and just relax and not have to put on the “faces” to get through a day.

 

Okay, so there are only 8.  that leaves me with 2 to throw in wherever, whenever, I want.

Singing

Maybe I am over my anger.

How do I know? I was singing in my car.  It may not be anything big to anyone else but I haven’t wanted to sing in my car.  I used to do all the time.  Find a song and just start.  But since the melt down last month I haven’t been able to really listen to a whole song.  My angry music wasn’t cutting it anymore.

It wasn’t working.  It wasn’t angry enough.

This week I am watching my friends cat while she is away camping. 
So last night after work, I got in my car and got myself ready for a 20 minute drive up 95 and so I put in a CD.

Turned out to be the right one.

Natalie Merchant and 10,000 maniacs

Tracy Chapman

Jewel

Stevie Nicks

Dixie Chicks

Meredith Brooks

Alannis

Bonnie Tyler

 

I sing songs from all of these wonder artists.  Karoake can be theraputic but I just haven’t  been in a mood to sing anything.

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Other news.

I received pictures for the 3rd moth in a row.  Makes me wonder if guilt is laying heavily on her mind right now.  This is her way to make it up to me.

Right now it confuses the hell out of me.  I don’t want to expect this every month because they have broken promises in the past but it just makes me wonder if it will continue.

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Rather sad news is that a dear friend lost her father on Monday.  He went into the hospital April and never came home.  Everytime he went from the hospital to rehab he would relapse.

I met this man a few times and he will be missed.

Signatures

My mind is thinking.

Which could be a bad thing.  But I will continue.

You know how on forums you can make up this time line of the events dealing with your adoption?  Well, I know of no firstmoms who have this but their are many adoptive and foster mothers who do.

Well………………………………….

Me being my bitchy self lately am thinking about making up one of my own.

It would look like this:

xx April xxxx  gave birth to beautiful girl

xx April xxxx  held and fed beautiful girl

xx April xxxx changed my life for ever

xx April xxxx 1st visit

xx August xxxx 2nd visit

xx April xxxx visit after 16 months

xx July 2008 life crushed and ruined for another time

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How do think that will go over?

Confessions

yeap, here it is.. time to confess some things.

 

I watch the Olympics.  Not so bad.  I cry when, during the medal ceremony, it doesn’t matter what country is on the podium with gold I cry.  Just to look at their faces in wonder at the moment.  Of course it helps when some of them are just too cute! 😉

I yell at the tv!  Friends can atest to this.  They have heard me while we are on the phone and I am yelling at a stupid move or comment.

I have yet to finish the final Harry Potter book. -hides head-  I am stuck in the woods. I admit it.  However, since I have a bad habit, I have read the last chapter.  Why I do this I don’t know.  I do it will all books.

I have called Biker boy.  Not once.  Not twice.  But atleast 3 times.

Healing

I am trying to heal me.

Which is hard, at least for me.  I look at things and place my worthiness on the shoulders of these people I asked to raise my daughter.  I don’t need them to tell me every time that I see them that I matter.  I believe in the saying “Actions speak louder then words”.  I have grown leery of the words I see.

Biker boy telling me that I can call him anytime if I needed to talk and vent

Supergirl’s parents told me that they want an open adoption and will keep it open

Friends saying that they will keep my secrets

Those words were told to me and their actions speak volumes to me.

For some unknown reason to me but Biker boy has always been able to calm me and help me see things rationally, right now I need that.  He finally got in touch with me but I didn’t answer the phone.  I tried him back but nothing.

The “friends” let slip (bull they just talked) some very personal things I told them in confidence.  I talk to them but I don’t tell them anything.  They think we are friends again but my real friends know everything and will always be in higher regard then you.

Then their is Supergirl’s parents.  what can I say about them?  What can I say about that?  Did we have a great relationship before all this. Hell no but I can tell you that it was a heck of a lot better then it is now and will probably ever be in the future.  If and when they come to me and tell me that they would like to start visits again I will probably be like I was back in April.  Texting a friend every 5 minutes.  Calling my house every 5 minutes on the drive to meet.  Pulling in the parking lot and looking for their car and if I don’t see that calling my house because now I think I missed a call telling me that there is no visit.

 

To me I just need a little action. 

A note in the mail.

A quick little email.

A text sending hugs.

 

Some days I just didn’t realize how much others don’t have to give with a little gesture and how some people just always give that little gesture and I realize how much I like having them in my life.

Straightjacket

Something so benign for me construed as cruelty
Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect
I don’t know who you’re talking to with such f***ing disrespect

This s***’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Talking with you’s like talking to a sive that can’t hear me
You fight me tooth and nail to disavow what’s happening

Your resistance to a mirror I feel screaming from your body
One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me

This s***’s making me crazy
The way you nullify what’s in my head
You say one thing do another
And argue that’s not what you did
Your way’s making me mental
How you filter as skewed interpret
I swear you won’t be happy til
I am bound in a straight jacket

Grand dissonance
The strings of my puppet are cut
The end of an era
Your discrediting’s lost my consent

Another song from the new CD that just speaks to me and my situation.  Somedays I think that Supergirl’s parents would like me in the Straighjacket.  Other days I am sure it is Biker Boy.

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