Same oh, same oh

There hasn’t been much activity going on so there hasn’t been anything to write about.  Sorry.

 

I sent an email asking for sizes and ideas for the soon to come Supergirl’s birthday.  The response: send a giftcard she doesn’t know what she wants.  Somehow I don’t think so.  Somehow I have a feeling that she knows what she wants — I just don’t get to know.

Not surprised there.

I did however get some pictures sent to me.  *and I ended up getting a disc and just putting all of her pictures on that – thanks for the help and ideas.

So now I had no ideas for her birthday and was justo cming up with ideas was just too much.  I couldn’t think of anything, I just knew that I was not going to get her a giftcard.

So a few weeks go by……. go and open my email and there is an email from Amom.  I almost fell out of my chair, I mean I am going through my email and find that she sent an email on April Fools Day.  So I open it and it appears that my beautiful, smart and sassy Supergirl wants to see me ❤  So Amom suggested that it happen during Spring Break.  So while I supposed to go to Charlotte for the BMB retreat weekend I was unable to get a decent price on airline tickets.  So now the plan is the Thursday I was to go to Charlotte to meet my beautiful sisters again I will be having lunch with my girl….

 

There you go.

Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

Birthmom’s Day

I know a lot of people don’t like this term, this day.

The thing is.  I do kinda like this day.  I really, truly dislike Mother’s Day.  Why??  It is a day where I have to put on the smile and pretend that I am happy.  That I don’t mind seeing all these women out there with their children and knowing that I will go home and cry myself to sleep for another night.  The mask is wavering and really cannot wait for it to crash.

There will be more.

Just have a cold and the coughing, sneezing, achy  head feeling is really just too much to put up with.

the White Flag….

…. is about to be raised.

I am tired.

I am worn out.

I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.

I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class)  well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.

I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.

Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?

–Not really

It is because while I play the good girl.  The nice girl.  The pleasant girl.

The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.

This time of Year

I don’t like this time of year.

While I like that the weather is getting warmer and the day lasts a little longer.  My heat isn’t kicking on as much.

I hate the next 6 weeks.

In the course of the next 6 weeks my daughter will turn 5.

My grandfather will be gone for 4 years.

My last visit would have been a year ago.

The day that I forever changed my life will come.

The day that I held Supergirl for the first time will come and go.

The day that Biker Boy and I met the aparents.

Can I crawl under the covers now and wake up on May 1st?

Thank you

Just a quick post to thank everyone for your words and hugs.

I appreciate them and you.

I am here.

Still trying to figure it out.

Still trying to understand.

Still trying to look at pictures.

In response to all 3 of the above.  Can’t.

No more secrets

Well, at least for my brother and sister-in-law.  Their “secret” has enjoyed time with them.  Has pictures with them and asked them questions.  This “secret” is 17 1/2 years old and is beautiful.  I may be biased as an Aunt but then again I don’t care.

I want to send her a message.  But at the same time I don’t want to overwhelm her.  Less then 2 weeks ago she just met her father, mother and 3 birth siblings.  I want to know her.  I don’t want to know her through my brother or my sister-in-law.  I will, however, wait.  I will give her time to get to know her family and to recover from meeting them.

When I talked to my brother I told him I wanted to know the how’s and the when’s.  Come to find out that my nephew, eldest nephew, found E on myspace.  She called her mom to come home from work and her mom had some questions for K, just to verify who she was and then everyone starting shouting.

All of this happened within 12 weeks.

From the time of that first message on myspace to the first face to face there was only 10 weeks.

Why is it?

I went out Saturday night and there a few friends out.  Not many, since we are all resting for this weekend and the St. Patty’s party coming up this weekend.  So while I was just relaxing and thinking that I could go home and get some sleep one person came up to me and said:

“So how is the baby?  I know she isn’t a baby anymore but I hope you don’t mind me asking about her.”

I don’t talk to her anymore.  She lied to me.  She hurt me.  I do not easily forgive.  It is not my nature.  Hurt me once, okay, but then again forget about it.

She said I didn’t appear as cold as I was the last time she was out.

Excuse me????  I didn’t talk to you then because I didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to this past weekend but I was hoping someone else would show up.  Really, anyone.

So anyway, I told her that Supergirl is going to be 4 next month and that she doesn’t look like B anymore.  They are friends on Myspace, I am sure she still talks to him so I will just put little things out there like this.  I said it was better for her that she didn’t look like him.

Why is it the one person I don’t care for, besides B, that asks about Supergirl?

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On another note.

I told someone else about Supergirl.

Another coworker.

She just told some of us that she is pregnant.  We were talking and I knew I would be able to talk about what is going on but I was quiet.  She came over to my desk Friday and she was talking and I just made a comment about not being able to have red sauce with pizza or pasta while pregnant.  She looked at me and I just said “Oh yeah, Supergirl will be 4 next month and she was placed for adoption.”  Her first question “Where does she live, close I hope?”  I could have cried at that point. So I told her where they live.  She said that it is a good thing that they live close and that Supergirl is gorgeous.  Ofcourse I think so but it is still nice to hear.

I was hoping that I would be getting a visit sometime soon but when I got a call from L she said that they were going on vacation later this month and how about we get together after they get back.   ???? huh????  So I am hoping to get together soon but as it looks it could be in 3, 4, or even 5 weeks from now.  She said before Supergirl’s birthday.

I hope.

Friends

I admit it.  I was a Friends junkie.  I knew the stories.  I knew the characters.  I was happy when Rachel and Ross got together and yelled at the tv when Ross ruined it.  I cried when Phoebe got married.  I was happy when Monica and Chandler started their relationship and finally got it out in the open and married.

Then it was over.  So I went and signed up for Netflix and added “Friends” to the list.  I forgot some of it.  Selective memory loss? Maybe.  I forgot the episode when Rachel was in the hospital with the mix up with the ring.

Why did I forget?  I was admitted to the hospital that night.  2 days later Supergirl would make her appearance known to all.

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Then there was Season 10.  The final season.  Monica and Chandler going through the adoption process.  I don’t remember most of this season.  When I watched it recently I yelled at the tv because of the way that they decided to play Erica, the birth mom.  She was played as the truelly dumb blonde.  To to it off.  Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, there is the stereo type that she didn’t know who the dad was.  She didn’t know that she was carrying twins.  She left the screen and that was it and they (Monica/Chandler) were able to take the babies home on the same day.  What I wonder now is: where were the car seats?

I don’t like Friends so much anymore.

Supergirl

http://thanksgivingmom.wordpress.com/  had an interesting post about her daughters eyes looking like hers. It made start to think about Supergirl.

When she was born and right after the delivery: she was wrapped and I saw her.  My friend, T, and I remarked on how she has the dent in her chin just like B.  Her lips were formed in the same way.  I look at her baby pictures and I see her lips and when I see her lips I see him.

She also had a dimple.  A one-sided dimple.  So that when she smiled only one dimple showed up.  She got that from her 1/2 brother.  I really don’t see it from B but then I don’t have alot of pictures of him and the ones that I do have, he isn’t smiling.  But the pictures that I have of his son, C, you cannot miss it.  It is on the same side.

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Then she started to grow and change.  Who did she look like?  Which side was she taking after?

Shortly after her first birthday she stopped looking like B and started to look more like me.  That is what I saw.  B only saw me and I only saw him when we looked at her pictures.  Our way to hold on the the other?  who knows.

I got their Christmas card in the mail yesterday.  Her hair is curlier but then it has always been curly.  Her hair is still medium-dark brown, and her eyes are still that beautiful blue that I fell in love with when she was 1 minute old.

Those that know about her here at work just looked at the picture and said that you can tell just from looking at the picture that she is mine.

I looked/studied her picture last night when I got home from work to just see what they were seeing and to continue to work up the nerve to see her next month. 

So what can I call me when I look at her?

Her eyes

Her mouth

Her smile

Those are things that they will never be able to change about her or try to call their own and really — I like it that way.

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