A day in the sun

I have thought about writing.  I have thought of  closing the blog.  why?  I don’t seem to say anything.  I tend to observe and take everything in.  I dislike confrontation and will run and hide from it.  My nature, my upbringing and something E has worked on with me for a while.

 

I miss E.  I haven’t been in to a session with her in ……… I cannot remember when.  We have touched base by phone and she has suggested that I find a new therapist.  Really?!?!  She doesn’t have weekend hours anymore and trying to make it into Boston from the North Shore by train (got to park the car, well, first you have to find a lot that has a parking spot).  She has suggested Thursdays but with my work schedule (work nights) that makes for a very long and draining day to begin with that trying to go into work is another issue all together. 

I have been dragging my feet on that.  I like E, I am comfortable with her.  She knows when I am talking bullshit and when I just need to vent and get everything off of my chest.  I took grief from people because 1)she is an adoptive parent and 2)she worked for the agency.  But I was comfortable.

Anyway ~~~~

The visit with Supergirl was AWESOME 🙂  It was short but you know what — I didn’t care.  I was with my girl.  She was with me.  The only down spot.  She asked about Biker Boy.  She wants a picture, a recent one.  So I asked him for one.  He has ignored me.  The kicker: I came across some photos of his son, probably when he was about 3 years old.  I sent him a message asking him what he wanted me to do with them  He has ignored me.  I will tell Jessica this when she is older.  I did tell Amom that I requested a photo from Biker and that he ignored me.

Oh well his loss.

 

Now time to enjoy this little shiny thing in the sky 🙂

General and Family Relations

Yeah, I haven’t been around.

Things have been…… there.  Really hard to explain.

 

I had a visit in October.  Another visit that was requested by Little MIss herself!! 🙂  It was wonderful to see her.  To have her come up to me and give me a hug when I walked in.  To climb all over me while we were playing.  To give me a hug when I left.

I get my photos by email now.  Not really liking it.  I liked it when I got the photos in the mail.  There was more.  I could hold them in my hand and look at them over and over and over.  Now not so much.

 

A friend of mine brought up a good point the other week.  We are related, if only through Biker Boy.  See Biker Boy has a 1/2 brother, my friend K’s son.  So he and Super Girl are related.  I thing that makes them cousins.  Which is fine by me.  She is an awesome person and is raising an awesome boy with out help from Biker Boy’s dad.

Then — I am getting rid of my old car.  Right now it is sitting hte parking lot waiting to go to it’s next home.

The thing — this is the car that when Biker and I met BF and B for the 1st time, I was with Grams signing the paperwork on the blue car.

???

I am confused about anumber of things.

 

Biker Boy is back.  Not back back but he calls me up, sends things on other sites.  Tells me that we should get together.  Tells me to call him so that we can talk.  And I do.  why? it is a tie to Supergirl.  That way I can update her in her journal about what is going on.  Is it good? no but I continue to call him.  I continue to see him.

 

The other thing.

I tried to get some assistance with my fuel.  So I called the number that I was given.  Listen to their requirements and start to laugh and cry at the same time.  With no overtime I make $2,000 too much to qualify for anything in the damn state I live in!!!!!!!!!!!  but hell, if I was knocked up, if I was a single mother then I could get plenty.  But nooooooooooooo, I had to make the “right choice” as a friend put it the other day and place Supergirl for adoption.

So, why am I know being punished for doing the “right thing”

Top 10 songs are close to it

My SIL went and challenged all of her friends on Myspace for their top 10 songs.  Well, a few weeks later I have somewhere close to that and will post them here and send her over.

*these are in no order

Bitch by Meredith Brooks

I’m a Bitch, I”m a lover, I”m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint.  I do not feel ashamed.

Pretty much says it all

Straightjacket by Alanis Morissette

Something so benign from me, construed as cruelty

Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect

I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect

One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me.

I feel like sending this to Biker Boy and Supergirl’s parents.  I don’t know what it is about this song but I loved it the first time I heard it and it is still a favorite!  but there are many days when I feel that people don’t see me but they think that they know me.

Your Eyes from Rent

I can’t control

My destiny

I trust my soul

My only goal

Is just to be

No Day but Today

no other words needed IMO

Incomplete by Alannis Morissette

One day I will be healed, I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

One day I will be faith filled.  I’ll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.

I lost my trust 4 years ago, I am hoping one day that I will have it again.  I am hoping that one day I will be complete since I have been incomplete for 4 1/2 years.

Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good

Forget, I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt

There’s nothing left for me to figure out

I’ve paid a price

And  I’ll keep paying

People told me that I would forget the pain.  Haven’t.  they said that I would forgive those that hurt me.  Haven’t.

Catching up

It isn’t like I have been avoiding the blog.  I just haven’t wanted to write.

Then a bunch of stuff happened in one day.

L agreed to the mediation!!!  I am completely freaked by this!!!  E asked if I had heard from C, 3rd party, this past week.  No I haven’t.  Which means that I will be getting the call.  This scares the living daylights out of me.  I am freaked that L agreed to this.  I am freaked that E said she was positive about this.

Now I want to know what she will say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then E asked me if I wanted to speak again?  Yes!!!  Then she tells me that it will happen this month!!!  What!?!?!  I have spoken before.  Except that time it was only me and another firstmom.  E is hoping that this time there will be me, the other firstmom, an adoptee/adoptive parent and an adoptive parent.  Less pressure on me.

Maybe I will remember this time not to hide what has really happened.

Maybe this time I will be able to say what sucks.

Maybe this time I will be able to say what happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then completely unrelated to it all.

I went out with my friend C, last night.  Biker Boy is now the head of security at the bar which we hang out at which was recently sold and now under new ownership.  Not a problem, really.  Except when he comes up to me and puts his arms around me.

Then he tells me that a guy who is interested in my friend, C, is flirting with me.  Ummmmm, no.  Why are you jealous?

Then I got up to sing.  The owner came up to me afterwards and told me that she wanted me in the karoake contest that starts —  TONIGHT!!!

ack!!  but after 10 weeks there is the prize of $500.00!!!

10 things part 2

Yes, I feel the need to do this again.

In case you didn’t read the first one.  You write down 10 things without mentioning the person’s name.  It works. I felt better after the last one.

1) WTF you complete idiot.  You have no relationship with Supergirl but you ask me if I went through this hell again and am allowing a friend to raise a child of mine!!!  You are not even worth me responding.  However, I still let you know when I get pictures.  How stupid does that make me?

2) I wish I could go home with you.  I know that this week will not be easy.  I was happy to know that you cried with your friends during the wake.  This way I know that you are not holding it all in.  You know I will be here for you when you get back.  We will talk.  We won’t talk.  We will just be.  And all of us will help you.

3) Are you trying to drive me insane!!! I really don’t know what to say to you anymore so I don’t.  Are you guilty about something??  Something weighing on your mind and you don’t want to feel guilty so you are doing what you are doing?  Believe me, I love getting them.  But you are screwing with my mind and I don’t know how much more I can handle from you.

4) Are you upset with the fact that Supergirl is looking more and more like me?  I hope you are because I am loving it.  I love looking at her  and seeing me and knowing that there will be none of you.

5) I am happy that Supergirl doesn’t look like you anymore.  I am glad that I don’t have to look at her pictures and see you.  I am glad that I can look at her pictures and not really notice you there.

6) Stop your flipping whining.  I really don’t care if you feel you are getting bullied.  Or that you feel that way.  If you did your work and didn’t sit around and talk maybe you wouldn’t feel that way.  You are the reason I cannot go home early if boss is not there.

7) It is about time you have a job.  but did you have to get one at the one place that I happen to enjoy going to?  Does it have to be the one place where I can go and not worry about you walking in the door?  You know you are a little too tall to try and spy on me in the parking lot.  I saw the looks I got when I went to give some guy friends a hug. 

8) I cannot wait to see you again!!  I need a girls day where we can talk about our beautiful girls and laugh and cry and just relax and not have to put on the “faces” to get through a day.

 

Okay, so there are only 8.  that leaves me with 2 to throw in wherever, whenever, I want.

Confessions

yeap, here it is.. time to confess some things.

 

I watch the Olympics.  Not so bad.  I cry when, during the medal ceremony, it doesn’t matter what country is on the podium with gold I cry.  Just to look at their faces in wonder at the moment.  Of course it helps when some of them are just too cute! 😉

I yell at the tv!  Friends can atest to this.  They have heard me while we are on the phone and I am yelling at a stupid move or comment.

I have yet to finish the final Harry Potter book. -hides head-  I am stuck in the woods. I admit it.  However, since I have a bad habit, I have read the last chapter.  Why I do this I don’t know.  I do it will all books.

I have called Biker boy.  Not once.  Not twice.  But atleast 3 times.

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