Healing

I am trying to heal me.

Which is hard, at least for me.  I look at things and place my worthiness on the shoulders of these people I asked to raise my daughter.  I don’t need them to tell me every time that I see them that I matter.  I believe in the saying “Actions speak louder then words”.  I have grown leery of the words I see.

Biker boy telling me that I can call him anytime if I needed to talk and vent

Supergirl’s parents told me that they want an open adoption and will keep it open

Friends saying that they will keep my secrets

Those words were told to me and their actions speak volumes to me.

For some unknown reason to me but Biker boy has always been able to calm me and help me see things rationally, right now I need that.  He finally got in touch with me but I didn’t answer the phone.  I tried him back but nothing.

The “friends” let slip (bull they just talked) some very personal things I told them in confidence.  I talk to them but I don’t tell them anything.  They think we are friends again but my real friends know everything and will always be in higher regard then you.

Then their is Supergirl’s parents.  what can I say about them?  What can I say about that?  Did we have a great relationship before all this. Hell no but I can tell you that it was a heck of a lot better then it is now and will probably ever be in the future.  If and when they come to me and tell me that they would like to start visits again I will probably be like I was back in April.  Texting a friend every 5 minutes.  Calling my house every 5 minutes on the drive to meet.  Pulling in the parking lot and looking for their car and if I don’t see that calling my house because now I think I missed a call telling me that there is no visit.

 

To me I just need a little action. 

A note in the mail.

A quick little email.

A text sending hugs.

 

Some days I just didn’t realize how much others don’t have to give with a little gesture and how some people just always give that little gesture and I realize how much I like having them in my life.

RIP

This has been a weird week.

They say that bad news comes in 3’s.  Well, I ended up hitting that all in one day but I didn’t know it.

#1

My coworkers sister passed away on Tuesday.  She was only 24 years old.  She had Cancer and while she was going to get a bone marrow transfer, she caught Chicken Pox.  Chicken Pox helped to bring her down.  Sassy, I am sorry to hear about your sister and just know that now she is with your Mom and in no more pain.

#2

There was a news story that I caught just a bit of and was unable to hear about it on Tuesday.  Come to find out it was my cubby mates nephew.  He was hanging out with friends and he was dared to jump.  He jumped.  The riptide and current was so strong that when the sun set on Monday they had to suspend the search until Tuesday.  J was not in the best spirits when I saw her.   We all call her Mom.  If you looked in her filing cabinets you would understand.  Bandaids, ear phones, batteries, aspirin, Motrin, the all important Chocolate, slippers, scarf, etc.

#3

He was a local restaurant owner and author.  He did things for Big Brother/Big Sisters.  I met him a few times and had to say he was funny.  He wrote 3 books and Biker Boy is in book two and Phil asked Biker Boy to be his bodyguard when they went on tour.  Phil was even booked on The Tonight Show.  Unfortunately, the ride fell through and nothing else came of it.  Phil went missing on Friday, 6/27 and was reported missing by his wife and was found on 7/2 of an apparent suicide in the parking lot of a  Walmart in Epping, New Hampshire.

Phil Englehardt will be missed by many.  I went up to Seabrook, New Hampshire yesterday and there were flowers in the entrance way of the Honey Bee.  The restaurant that he owned for many years and that he closed down in 07.

RIP

Life

Things around here have been…………………………….. well, here.

I have been neglecting my blog and I am sorry for that.  I actually am now writing things out at my lunch break when I am not reading.  Hard to do since I normally put on the headphones and blast some music, depending on my mood — depends on the music, and read.  But I have been putting pen to paper and writing.  I have a few posts in the works and will update for all.

hint:

adoption  (like that is ever far from me)

ex’s (just like above)

music (when am I not talking about music -LOL)

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