The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.

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Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.

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The secret is done

There isn’t another way to put it.

M’s son graduated from preschool last night and there goes my tie to Supergirl.  Well, one of my ties.  She only ran into Supergirl once.  I told her not to search her out.  I told her to just let it happen.  And it did.  There was the 1 run in.  I wrote that conversation down and I hold onto it dearly.

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I received some new pictures of Supergirl and she is just too cute for words.  I told my SIL and she took a look and agrees, she looks like me.  Just like E looks like her.  I agree.

Therapist found someone who is willing to talk to me and to L and see what is and isn’t working in this so called open adoption.  C would talk to me and then talk to L and then we would all get together and discuss and talk and see what is working and what isn’t.

I am scared shitless.

There is no other word for it.  The last time that we had a meeting I was hit with the big “We are too busy” crap.

There isn’t any further back we can go, well only to semi and closed but there isn’t much more back we can go in the “open” we are in now.

No more secrets

Well, at least for my brother and sister-in-law.  Their “secret” has enjoyed time with them.  Has pictures with them and asked them questions.  This “secret” is 17 1/2 years old and is beautiful.  I may be biased as an Aunt but then again I don’t care.

I want to send her a message.  But at the same time I don’t want to overwhelm her.  Less then 2 weeks ago she just met her father, mother and 3 birth siblings.  I want to know her.  I don’t want to know her through my brother or my sister-in-law.  I will, however, wait.  I will give her time to get to know her family and to recover from meeting them.

When I talked to my brother I told him I wanted to know the how’s and the when’s.  Come to find out that my nephew, eldest nephew, found E on myspace.  She called her mom to come home from work and her mom had some questions for K, just to verify who she was and then everyone starting shouting.

All of this happened within 12 weeks.

From the time of that first message on myspace to the first face to face there was only 10 weeks.

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