Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.

Phone calls and pictures

I got more pictures in the mail the other day.  I wish there was more.  I wish there were a hell of a lot more.

I had plans on making a call to L today.  Well, it being summer in New England and the sun is out, the humidity is up and I know from the past that they are at the beach.  However, that maybe changing since clouds are rolling in and there is a weather alert.

So I was thinking about calling tomorrow or even Friday since it will be cooler and there will be no humidity.

Now if only I will have the guts to do a true mediation instead of this phone crap.

 

* there will be no phone call this week.  E was going to try and get together with L this week but they are out of town.

I hate this date.

Today is the 28th.

On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!

Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.

*edited to add

How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on?  Is it a coping strategy for me?

I remember it was a Friday.  Which means the phone call was on the 25th.  Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before.  I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.

How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?

How????

10 things part 3

I cannot believe that I am writing another one.

  1. You are close to 59 years old!!!  and yet you use a third person, your son, to get something from your ex wife?!?!?!!?  Somehow I am not surprised by this but the fact that you used your son to do this is a new low, even for you.
  2. You talk to me when I am going thru this ordeal and your comment on it.  ” I want to give you what you want.”  You want me to have a child for you.  You want me to be a single parent in the hopes that you will be able to give us money, when you can.
  3. You tell me that, basically, you want to put a blanket over the whole situation and tell Supergirl, years down the road and tell her: “Here is your sibling”
  4. Once you tell me this, and may I add, that I was not able to sleep.  That I was at a point a few years ago, that if you had brought this up then, I would have said yes.
  5. I have decided on a date to call.  I feel like shit that I have to do this.  I hate, with a passion, that she cannot be a human being and make the call herself.

Ok, I feel better.  Yes it wasn’t 10 but then it doesn’t have to be.

Phone call

Okay meant to write this yesterday but was having some other computer issues so here is, finally, the phone call from E.

She said:

  • -Supergirl was great, lovely (I know this)
  • Visits in the past have been great not awkward
  • L is confused by Supergirl’s response from the last 2 visits
  • Supergirl is excited for the visits but then clams up (just to mention, again, that I have yet to see this, still waiting, but then again it has been over a year and next week makes 13 months)
  • L said she is open minded.  I had to laugh at this.  REALLY, open minded, then why did I have to wait 3 months to find out visits were done?!?!?!   oh yeah, open minded
  • L is fine with talking with K and fine with talking to E
  • E asked if I had any little requests/messages for L.  I actually couldn’t think of anything except for not wanting to be told anything through a 3rd party.  All of the big stuff has been through a 3rd party and has not come from L
  • E said that she wants to work on communication with L so that I am not left to draw my own conclusions.  My response “No shit”

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On a much happy note.

Coworker (CW) got some more pictures for me!!!!  It seems that Supergirl and her son are playing tball, they are not on the same team 😦  but there was some one there who took photos on the first day and had placed them on a snapfish account.  CW ordered those for me.  Out of the 19 she ordered, 16 were of Supergirl.  She said she didn’t know who she was more excited for: finding pictures of her son or finding photos of Supergirl for me.

Updates

Okay, sorry I haven’t written sooner.  There hasn’t been anything going on worth writing about but then I got the phone call.

L finally responded to someone!! 

She called the agency and they talked. 

K from the agency called E and they talked. 

E called me and we talked.

 

when I am able to hold my head up, meaning when this migraine is gone, I will write more.

Letters

I was informed that the letter was sent to Supergirl’s Mom.

I am freaking out alittle bit.  Why?  because I don’t know what it said.  I don’t know if they have received the letter yet.  I am guessing so since I know I can mail things on Monday and they get it on Tuesday and vice versa.  So now I would like to, if possible, get my hands on a copy of the letter to see what the agency had to say to L.

Biker boy is starting to make an appearance again.  The warmer weather is getting him out since he can now ride his Harley and not worry about not having a car.

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I received some pictures from L from Supergirl’s birthday.  It appears that she had 2 parties, not just one.  One that was with friends and was  a cooking party and the other is the party with family and friends.

I haven’t seen her in almost a year and all ready I can not really recognize her any more.  Is this because I remember her from the last visit? I still see her singing.  I still see her playing a monkey.

I don’t remember her with her hair up.  I don’t remember how her face has changed since that rainy, damp day in April 08.

Anger — again

I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?

*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!

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I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.

Things

There hasn’t been any movement on the mediation.  That I know of anyway.  I have pictures of Supergirl and I love them.  But looking at them makes me realize that there is now less then 3 months until her birthday (the big 5) and I have no ideas.  I won’t ask L again since she NEVER responded to the letter asking.

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But there is some great things going on.

I am loving Facebook!!!  I talk to my brother and SIL often and through my brother I found one of my other “brothers” J.  While I have 1 bio brother I have 2 “other” brothers.  They were always over our house when we lived in N. Chicago and so their Mothers gave Mom permission to ground and discipline as needed.  So they called them Mom and I called them brothers.

It is nice to talk to him again and reconnect and find out what he has been doing with his life.

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