Letters

I was informed that the letter was sent to Supergirl’s Mom.

I am freaking out alittle bit.  Why?  because I don’t know what it said.  I don’t know if they have received the letter yet.  I am guessing so since I know I can mail things on Monday and they get it on Tuesday and vice versa.  So now I would like to, if possible, get my hands on a copy of the letter to see what the agency had to say to L.

Biker boy is starting to make an appearance again.  The warmer weather is getting him out since he can now ride his Harley and not worry about not having a car.

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I received some pictures from L from Supergirl’s birthday.  It appears that she had 2 parties, not just one.  One that was with friends and was  a cooking party and the other is the party with family and friends.

I haven’t seen her in almost a year and all ready I can not really recognize her any more.  Is this because I remember her from the last visit? I still see her singing.  I still see her playing a monkey.

I don’t remember her with her hair up.  I don’t remember how her face has changed since that rainy, damp day in April 08.

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Anger — again

I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?

*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
NO
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!

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I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.

Things

There hasn’t been any movement on the mediation.  That I know of anyway.  I have pictures of Supergirl and I love them.  But looking at them makes me realize that there is now less then 3 months until her birthday (the big 5) and I have no ideas.  I won’t ask L again since she NEVER responded to the letter asking.

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But there is some great things going on.

I am loving Facebook!!!  I talk to my brother and SIL often and through my brother I found one of my other “brothers” J.  While I have 1 bio brother I have 2 “other” brothers.  They were always over our house when we lived in N. Chicago and so their Mothers gave Mom permission to ground and discipline as needed.  So they called them Mom and I called them brothers.

It is nice to talk to him again and reconnect and find out what he has been doing with his life.

Anger part II

I was really hoping that this would only be a one time thing.  But I am still angry.

I am now angry at mother nature for dumping a foot of snow in Vermont.  I am angry for not going up to Vermont.  I need it.  I need the break. I want the time to myself.  So as of right now my plans to get Chinese food for Christmas Eve are on the verge of being cancelled.  My plans to spend Christmas Day in comfortable clothes then going to the beach are on the verge of being cancelled.

 

the only up side???

E will be calling L this week.  Hopefully she will be able to get in touch with her.  I think if I get a phone call from L then I know that E talked to her.  We shall see.

Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

Speaking

Well, this was another busy week.  Trying to get through a slow week at work and finding out that a few people during the week had been fired (well the email said Laid off).  Having a migraine for most of the week and not getting any sleep.

Then on Thursday I drove and met up with E for the panel for pap’s.  There was another firstmom besides myself, an adoptive couple and an adoptee who has adopted.  Then in the audience were 5 couples in different stages of their journey.

Most of them were very nice.  I say this because there was one woman who added to my headache because she WOULDN’T shut up.  She was an adoptee and she had an opinion on everything that was discussed.  I didn’t mention Supergirl’s name and told the short story on how Supergirl got her name.  Her question to me “What is her name?”  I don’t have to tell you and I won’t tell you.

“Why are you doing mediation?” Because I want some answers.

“When we adopt I am going to make a scrapbook and send it to birthmom”

The gentleman next to me who was adopted, was adopted in Mass. and has lived in Mass. his whole life.  He also didn’t find out he was adopted until he was 36.  I think that is so wrong on so many levels.  No one should have to live their life as a lie.

Once it was done I was out of there.  I couldn’t handle being around that woman any more.  The adoptive couple just wanted to talk and talk and talk.  I looked at E when it was over and told her that I hope the weather holds out and if not I wouldn’t see her on Saturday.  She ended up cancelling on me Friday because of the weather and I have to cancel on her for this coming Saturday but one of these days I will make it in and see her.

Catching up

It isn’t like I have been avoiding the blog.  I just haven’t wanted to write.

Then a bunch of stuff happened in one day.

L agreed to the mediation!!!  I am completely freaked by this!!!  E asked if I had heard from C, 3rd party, this past week.  No I haven’t.  Which means that I will be getting the call.  This scares the living daylights out of me.  I am freaked that L agreed to this.  I am freaked that E said she was positive about this.

Now I want to know what she will say.

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Then E asked me if I wanted to speak again?  Yes!!!  Then she tells me that it will happen this month!!!  What!?!?!  I have spoken before.  Except that time it was only me and another firstmom.  E is hoping that this time there will be me, the other firstmom, an adoptee/adoptive parent and an adoptive parent.  Less pressure on me.

Maybe I will remember this time not to hide what has really happened.

Maybe this time I will be able to say what sucks.

Maybe this time I will be able to say what happened.

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Then completely unrelated to it all.

I went out with my friend C, last night.  Biker Boy is now the head of security at the bar which we hang out at which was recently sold and now under new ownership.  Not a problem, really.  Except when he comes up to me and puts his arms around me.

Then he tells me that a guy who is interested in my friend, C, is flirting with me.  Ummmmm, no.  Why are you jealous?

Then I got up to sing.  The owner came up to me afterwards and told me that she wanted me in the karoake contest that starts —  TONIGHT!!!

ack!!  but after 10 weeks there is the prize of $500.00!!!

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