Family

I spent Thanksgiving with my father’s relatives.  They are mine as well.  It was interesting.  My great Uncle who is pretty much deaf, even with his hearing aids, was asking about Father.  I told him that I don’t hear from him and I liked it like that.  He then ask Grams.  I don’t know what she told him since I was onto another conversation.

So, who was at this get together?

Well, Grams, Aunt, Cousin, 3 2nd cousins, 1 3rd cousin, Great Aunt and Uncle, partner and family friend.  I think if I added everyone there were 12 of us.

It was a great dinner.  Then afterwards we had birthday cake to celebrate 2 of my 2nd cousins birthdays!!  So including fruit, pie, cookies, torta, there was birthday cake.

We then sat around and started to play some games.  Well, with this family we sing.  Most of do atleast.  We started to play SongBurst 50’s & 60’s edition.  It was fun!!  Especially watching my 15 y/o cousins’ face looking at his mother, my Aunt, burst into song.  I say it about time.  I was broken in about the same age.  My brother was a few years younger but quickly adapted and sang along.

It was a nice 2 days.  I haven’t seen 1 2nd cousin since the family reunion, about 22 years ago.  The other 2nd cousins, probably about 7 years when my cousin J came back from China with her daughter C.

It did however make me think alot of Supergirl over the weekend and it still has me thinking.

How is she?

What would she like for Christmas?

I miss her.  Some times the holidays just make it worst.

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Top 10 songs are close to it

My SIL went and challenged all of her friends on Myspace for their top 10 songs.  Well, a few weeks later I have somewhere close to that and will post them here and send her over.

*these are in no order

Bitch by Meredith Brooks

I’m a Bitch, I”m a lover, I”m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint.  I do not feel ashamed.

Pretty much says it all

Straightjacket by Alanis Morissette

Something so benign from me, construed as cruelty

Such a difference between who I am and who you see

Conclusions you come to of me routinely incorrect

I don’t know who you’re talking to with such fucking disrespect

One day I’ll introduce myself and you’ll see you’ve not yet met me.

I feel like sending this to Biker Boy and Supergirl’s parents.  I don’t know what it is about this song but I loved it the first time I heard it and it is still a favorite!  but there are many days when I feel that people don’t see me but they think that they know me.

Your Eyes from Rent

I can’t control

My destiny

I trust my soul

My only goal

Is just to be

No Day but Today

no other words needed IMO

Incomplete by Alannis Morissette

One day I will be healed, I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

One day I will be faith filled.  I’ll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.

I lost my trust 4 years ago, I am hoping one day that I will have it again.  I am hoping that one day I will be complete since I have been incomplete for 4 1/2 years.

Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good

Forget, I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt

There’s nothing left for me to figure out

I’ve paid a price

And  I’ll keep paying

People told me that I would forget the pain.  Haven’t.  they said that I would forgive those that hurt me.  Haven’t.

Catching up

It isn’t like I have been avoiding the blog.  I just haven’t wanted to write.

Then a bunch of stuff happened in one day.

L agreed to the mediation!!!  I am completely freaked by this!!!  E asked if I had heard from C, 3rd party, this past week.  No I haven’t.  Which means that I will be getting the call.  This scares the living daylights out of me.  I am freaked that L agreed to this.  I am freaked that E said she was positive about this.

Now I want to know what she will say.

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Then E asked me if I wanted to speak again?  Yes!!!  Then she tells me that it will happen this month!!!  What!?!?!  I have spoken before.  Except that time it was only me and another firstmom.  E is hoping that this time there will be me, the other firstmom, an adoptee/adoptive parent and an adoptive parent.  Less pressure on me.

Maybe I will remember this time not to hide what has really happened.

Maybe this time I will be able to say what sucks.

Maybe this time I will be able to say what happened.

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Then completely unrelated to it all.

I went out with my friend C, last night.  Biker Boy is now the head of security at the bar which we hang out at which was recently sold and now under new ownership.  Not a problem, really.  Except when he comes up to me and puts his arms around me.

Then he tells me that a guy who is interested in my friend, C, is flirting with me.  Ummmmm, no.  Why are you jealous?

Then I got up to sing.  The owner came up to me afterwards and told me that she wanted me in the karoake contest that starts —  TONIGHT!!!

ack!!  but after 10 weeks there is the prize of $500.00!!!

Singing

Maybe I am over my anger.

How do I know? I was singing in my car.  It may not be anything big to anyone else but I haven’t wanted to sing in my car.  I used to do all the time.  Find a song and just start.  But since the melt down last month I haven’t been able to really listen to a whole song.  My angry music wasn’t cutting it anymore.

It wasn’t working.  It wasn’t angry enough.

This week I am watching my friends cat while she is away camping. 
So last night after work, I got in my car and got myself ready for a 20 minute drive up 95 and so I put in a CD.

Turned out to be the right one.

Natalie Merchant and 10,000 maniacs

Tracy Chapman

Jewel

Stevie Nicks

Dixie Chicks

Meredith Brooks

Alannis

Bonnie Tyler

 

I sing songs from all of these wonder artists.  Karoake can be theraputic but I just haven’t  been in a mood to sing anything.

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Other news.

I received pictures for the 3rd moth in a row.  Makes me wonder if guilt is laying heavily on her mind right now.  This is her way to make it up to me.

Right now it confuses the hell out of me.  I don’t want to expect this every month because they have broken promises in the past but it just makes me wonder if it will continue.

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Rather sad news is that a dear friend lost her father on Monday.  He went into the hospital April and never came home.  Everytime he went from the hospital to rehab he would relapse.

I met this man a few times and he will be missed.

Incomplete

Right now this is so me.

You gotta love Alanis Morissette

One day I’ll find relief
I’ll be arrived
And I’ll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I’ll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I’ll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I’ll know God
And I’ll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I’ll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I’ll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I’ll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Searches

Every once in awhile I will look and see what people have typed in to find my blog.

The music ones are great!!  Those seem to happen everyday.

Then I came across this one

 

How to secure a birthmom

I am not here to tell you how to find yourself a firstmom.  If you think that —  get away from me!!!  I will never tell you how to rip a part of a soul away from another woman and say it is in the name of love.  I will never tell you what I read some other people do.  Tell lies and then go back on your words because you got what you wanted.

Won’t happen.

Especially from this woman, who goes by the nickname of Bitch.

Life

Things around here have been…………………………….. well, here.

I have been neglecting my blog and I am sorry for that.  I actually am now writing things out at my lunch break when I am not reading.  Hard to do since I normally put on the headphones and blast some music, depending on my mood — depends on the music, and read.  But I have been putting pen to paper and writing.  I have a few posts in the works and will update for all.

hint:

adoption  (like that is ever far from me)

ex’s (just like above)

music (when am I not talking about music -LOL)

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