It continues

I just seem to go on and some days it appears to be harder and harder to write.  I just don’t know what to say anymore.

I continue to hope that things will change with BF and it doesn’t.  I have tried to get things to change and it doesn’t.

I just continue to be a thorn in their side and continue to send her things and keep myself in her life.  I will be able to say to her that I tried.  I continued to try and was blocked in every way possible.

 

I can only continue and be myself.

Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.

Photos

I see my daughters life in photographs now.

I don’t see her life with her.  I see images of her and her life.

I see her smile but I don’t hear the laughter that comes from that smile.

I don’t see her singing.

I don’t see her.

 

All because “her Mother” cannot handle things.

Why is it necessary for one person to lie to make themselves feel better? to feel superior? to see the other person weakened?

I hate this date.

Today is the 28th.

On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!

Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.

*edited to add

How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on?  Is it a coping strategy for me?

I remember it was a Friday.  Which means the phone call was on the 25th.  Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before.  I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.

How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?

How????

10 things part 3

I cannot believe that I am writing another one.

  1. You are close to 59 years old!!!  and yet you use a third person, your son, to get something from your ex wife?!?!?!!?  Somehow I am not surprised by this but the fact that you used your son to do this is a new low, even for you.
  2. You talk to me when I am going thru this ordeal and your comment on it.  ” I want to give you what you want.”  You want me to have a child for you.  You want me to be a single parent in the hopes that you will be able to give us money, when you can.
  3. You tell me that, basically, you want to put a blanket over the whole situation and tell Supergirl, years down the road and tell her: “Here is your sibling”
  4. Once you tell me this, and may I add, that I was not able to sleep.  That I was at a point a few years ago, that if you had brought this up then, I would have said yes.
  5. I have decided on a date to call.  I feel like shit that I have to do this.  I hate, with a passion, that she cannot be a human being and make the call herself.

Ok, I feel better.  Yes it wasn’t 10 but then it doesn’t have to be.

Anger and the other feelings

Supergirl graduated from preK last month.  When, I don’t know.  I just know it was last month.  I sent a card.  It was probably late since I have been dealing with the feelings of losing Nana and the bad news that keep coming at me.  A dear friend informed me that his father has liver cancer and was given a 15% chance of 6+ months with chemo or 15% for 6 months without.  He is going without chemo.  He asked his ex, my other dear friend, to stop by and see him.  She will as she has a patient in that area.  Then another woman that my friend C and I know has finally called hospice.  We knew this day would happen.  All in the course of 8 hours.

Anyway……………………………

I am angry.  I am angry that it has been over 14 months since I last saw Supergirl.

Last heard her laugh.

Last saw her smile.

Last heard her voice.

I am angry and it is making me depressed.

the White Flag….

…. is about to be raised.

I am tired.

I am worn out.

I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.

I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class)  well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.

I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.

Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?

–Not really

It is because while I play the good girl.  The nice girl.  The pleasant girl.

The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.

Really

Typical Open Adoption

A typical open adoption means that the biological parents
are permitted to have some type of contact with the adopted
child.

This can be accomplished many different ways. By phone is
the easiest way but sometimes e-mail, letters, or even
personal visits might be an option.

This contact doesn’t always mean both sets of parents will
ever meet each other in person. Many times the adoption
agency or other organization will receive pictures and
updates from the adoptive parents and forward them to the
biological parents.

Obviously, having the adoptive parents spend time with the
biological parents might be an uncomfortable ordeal for
everyone.

Before the adoption takes place, all types of contact as
well as specific dates for visits or phone calls are
arranged.

This schedule and set of rules is very important to the
biological parents who have agreed to the open adoption. By
not getting pictures when expected or missing phone calls,
it can be very emotionally stressful.

By using the adoption agency as a middle man, it saves a
lot of emotional stress for everyone involved. The agency
acts as a mediator so the adoptive parents don’t have to
deal with the biological parents directly
.

It is much easier for adoptive parents to really feel the
child is there own if there is minimal interference from
the biological parents
but sometimes it just isn’t an
option

 

*bold are mine to make a point.

I came across this little gem and was this close to yelling at my computer.

 

So this person believes that I am an interference in MY daughters life?

Sorry to tell you that that ANY action done by the agency means a SEMI open adoption.  If it was a true open adoption, they would have last names, phone numbers and addresses while you would have last name, phone number and address.  NO MIDDLE MAN NEEDED!!

 

A typical open adoption:

  • no middle man
  • all information is exchanged from both sides
  • there are visits, phone calls, letters, photos
  • you do not view the first parent as an interference
  • spend time with the expectant mother if you are matched beforehand, this may actually help everyone involved

While I was pregnant….

I was an expectant mother.  I was NEVER  a Birthmother.

How do you like those damn apples.

A dear friend wrote a great blog about an article and every one who decided to rub salt in the wound about the word Birthmother.

Here is the deal:

A birthmother is a women who has — wait for it —  GIVEN BIRTH!!!!  How in the hell am I to be a Birthmother while I am 7,8 or 9 months pregnant!?!?!?!  I can’t!!!

I was a MOTHER, I know very scary to some people, before I signed the TPR.  So, again, I was not a Birthmother.  I was MOTHER!!!!

Some of these “adults” really need to learn the language before they start to speak it.

 

*this is my vent for the day*

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