Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.

10 things part 3

I cannot believe that I am writing another one.

  1. You are close to 59 years old!!!  and yet you use a third person, your son, to get something from your ex wife?!?!?!!?  Somehow I am not surprised by this but the fact that you used your son to do this is a new low, even for you.
  2. You talk to me when I am going thru this ordeal and your comment on it.  ” I want to give you what you want.”  You want me to have a child for you.  You want me to be a single parent in the hopes that you will be able to give us money, when you can.
  3. You tell me that, basically, you want to put a blanket over the whole situation and tell Supergirl, years down the road and tell her: “Here is your sibling”
  4. Once you tell me this, and may I add, that I was not able to sleep.  That I was at a point a few years ago, that if you had brought this up then, I would have said yes.
  5. I have decided on a date to call.  I feel like shit that I have to do this.  I hate, with a passion, that she cannot be a human being and make the call herself.

Ok, I feel better.  Yes it wasn’t 10 but then it doesn’t have to be.

the White Flag….

…. is about to be raised.

I am tired.

I am worn out.

I don’t know how much more I am expected to take.

I am about to become a statistic. (ironic since I really hated that class)  well, another one since getting pregnant and then placing Supergirl made me a statistic then.

I am tired of having to put so much into a relationship that apparently is not welcomed.

Is it because Supergirl has a birthday coming up?

–Not really

It is because while I play the good girl.  The nice girl.  The pleasant girl.

The Mom gets to be the baddie and get away with it.

Really

Typical Open Adoption

A typical open adoption means that the biological parents
are permitted to have some type of contact with the adopted
child.

This can be accomplished many different ways. By phone is
the easiest way but sometimes e-mail, letters, or even
personal visits might be an option.

This contact doesn’t always mean both sets of parents will
ever meet each other in person. Many times the adoption
agency or other organization will receive pictures and
updates from the adoptive parents and forward them to the
biological parents.

Obviously, having the adoptive parents spend time with the
biological parents might be an uncomfortable ordeal for
everyone.

Before the adoption takes place, all types of contact as
well as specific dates for visits or phone calls are
arranged.

This schedule and set of rules is very important to the
biological parents who have agreed to the open adoption. By
not getting pictures when expected or missing phone calls,
it can be very emotionally stressful.

By using the adoption agency as a middle man, it saves a
lot of emotional stress for everyone involved. The agency
acts as a mediator so the adoptive parents don’t have to
deal with the biological parents directly
.

It is much easier for adoptive parents to really feel the
child is there own if there is minimal interference from
the biological parents
but sometimes it just isn’t an
option

 

*bold are mine to make a point.

I came across this little gem and was this close to yelling at my computer.

 

So this person believes that I am an interference in MY daughters life?

Sorry to tell you that that ANY action done by the agency means a SEMI open adoption.  If it was a true open adoption, they would have last names, phone numbers and addresses while you would have last name, phone number and address.  NO MIDDLE MAN NEEDED!!

 

A typical open adoption:

  • no middle man
  • all information is exchanged from both sides
  • there are visits, phone calls, letters, photos
  • you do not view the first parent as an interference
  • spend time with the expectant mother if you are matched beforehand, this may actually help everyone involved

While I was pregnant….

I was an expectant mother.  I was NEVER  a Birthmother.

How do you like those damn apples.

A dear friend wrote a great blog about an article and every one who decided to rub salt in the wound about the word Birthmother.

Here is the deal:

A birthmother is a women who has — wait for it —  GIVEN BIRTH!!!!  How in the hell am I to be a Birthmother while I am 7,8 or 9 months pregnant!?!?!?!  I can’t!!!

I was a MOTHER, I know very scary to some people, before I signed the TPR.  So, again, I was not a Birthmother.  I was MOTHER!!!!

Some of these “adults” really need to learn the language before they start to speak it.

 

*this is my vent for the day*

Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

???

I am confused about anumber of things.

 

Biker Boy is back.  Not back back but he calls me up, sends things on other sites.  Tells me that we should get together.  Tells me to call him so that we can talk.  And I do.  why? it is a tie to Supergirl.  That way I can update her in her journal about what is going on.  Is it good? no but I continue to call him.  I continue to see him.

 

The other thing.

I tried to get some assistance with my fuel.  So I called the number that I was given.  Listen to their requirements and start to laugh and cry at the same time.  With no overtime I make $2,000 too much to qualify for anything in the damn state I live in!!!!!!!!!!!  but hell, if I was knocked up, if I was a single mother then I could get plenty.  But nooooooooooooo, I had to make the “right choice” as a friend put it the other day and place Supergirl for adoption.

So, why am I know being punished for doing the “right thing”

What?

Okay I was out to lunch with my Grams yesterday. Not a big deal. We had the theatre and we usually will go to Bertucci’s or China Jade for dinner. Yesterday was Bertucci’s turn which means China Jade is next month (yummmie).

So we ordered our dinner and were enjoying the rolls with dipping oil and Grams just says “Auntie and I think it is a good idea to tell the family about Super.”

Bread stuck in throat.

“Who?”

“Super”

“Um, don’t you mean Lanky?”

“Yes, that is who I meant.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grams, nor anyone else in the family know about Supergirl. Well, at least the family that we will see at Thanksgiving this year. Since Grandfather passed away and Little Bro and family have moved, it has been me, Grams, Auntie and Cousin. This year it will be: Grams, Auntie, Cousin, Great Aunt and Uncle, 3 second Cousins and adopted cousin, who I last saw shortly after Second Cousin adopted her from China, so we are talking a good 10 years.

This could have been a good time to tell Grams about Supergirl.

Why?

Grams wants to send Lanky a birthday card with a dollar in it. She does it to all the great grand kids. This coming birthday there will be 18$ in it since Lanky will be 18. Grams wants to talk to SIL and pass it by her and she what she thinks.

But I just sat there and by this time our dinner had arrived and I just put a fork full of pasta and chicken in my mouth and chewed. Then changed the subject.

Another chance and another opportunity lost.

Sorry Supergirl. Once again I let you down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edited to add: I saw E yesterday.  She wonders if Grams knows on some level about Supergirl if she is the one who brought up her name out of the blue?

I honestly don’t know.

I am afraid to know.

Healing

I am trying to heal me.

Which is hard, at least for me.  I look at things and place my worthiness on the shoulders of these people I asked to raise my daughter.  I don’t need them to tell me every time that I see them that I matter.  I believe in the saying “Actions speak louder then words”.  I have grown leery of the words I see.

Biker boy telling me that I can call him anytime if I needed to talk and vent

Supergirl’s parents told me that they want an open adoption and will keep it open

Friends saying that they will keep my secrets

Those words were told to me and their actions speak volumes to me.

For some unknown reason to me but Biker boy has always been able to calm me and help me see things rationally, right now I need that.  He finally got in touch with me but I didn’t answer the phone.  I tried him back but nothing.

The “friends” let slip (bull they just talked) some very personal things I told them in confidence.  I talk to them but I don’t tell them anything.  They think we are friends again but my real friends know everything and will always be in higher regard then you.

Then their is Supergirl’s parents.  what can I say about them?  What can I say about that?  Did we have a great relationship before all this. Hell no but I can tell you that it was a heck of a lot better then it is now and will probably ever be in the future.  If and when they come to me and tell me that they would like to start visits again I will probably be like I was back in April.  Texting a friend every 5 minutes.  Calling my house every 5 minutes on the drive to meet.  Pulling in the parking lot and looking for their car and if I don’t see that calling my house because now I think I missed a call telling me that there is no visit.

 

To me I just need a little action. 

A note in the mail.

A quick little email.

A text sending hugs.

 

Some days I just didn’t realize how much others don’t have to give with a little gesture and how some people just always give that little gesture and I realize how much I like having them in my life.

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