It continues

I just seem to go on and some days it appears to be harder and harder to write.  I just don’t know what to say anymore.

I continue to hope that things will change with BF and it doesn’t.  I have tried to get things to change and it doesn’t.

I just continue to be a thorn in their side and continue to send her things and keep myself in her life.  I will be able to say to her that I tried.  I continued to try and was blocked in every way possible.

 

I can only continue and be myself.

General and Family Relations

Yeah, I haven’t been around.

Things have been…… there.  Really hard to explain.

 

I had a visit in October.  Another visit that was requested by Little MIss herself!! 🙂  It was wonderful to see her.  To have her come up to me and give me a hug when I walked in.  To climb all over me while we were playing.  To give me a hug when I left.

I get my photos by email now.  Not really liking it.  I liked it when I got the photos in the mail.  There was more.  I could hold them in my hand and look at them over and over and over.  Now not so much.

 

A friend of mine brought up a good point the other week.  We are related, if only through Biker Boy.  See Biker Boy has a 1/2 brother, my friend K’s son.  So he and Super Girl are related.  I thing that makes them cousins.  Which is fine by me.  She is an awesome person and is raising an awesome boy with out help from Biker Boy’s dad.

Then — I am getting rid of my old car.  Right now it is sitting hte parking lot waiting to go to it’s next home.

The thing — this is the car that when Biker and I met BF and B for the 1st time, I was with Grams signing the paperwork on the blue car.

Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

Supergirl

My girl is now 6!!!

I cannot believe it.  I cannot believe that I continue to be on the sidelines and wonder just where I place in her life.

I know I went overboard with her birthday presents.  I think I spent the same amount on her birthday as I do for Christmas.  I usually don’t do that.  I still have to mail everything so we will see if anything gets returned but I need to get everything spread out and look at it all and maybe some of it will go into the Christmas pile and I will have started her Christmas presents.

Here is the thing:

I am all ready working on her Christmas present.

I need to get started on her kindergarten graduation present.

I found a project for her next birthday.

All 3 of the above are things that involve, knitting, counted cross stitch and another no sew blanket (probably with a pillow or two)

❤ you my beautiful, sassy, intelligent girl.  You are so loved and missed and remembered.

Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.

Photos

I see my daughters life in photographs now.

I don’t see her life with her.  I see images of her and her life.

I see her smile but I don’t hear the laughter that comes from that smile.

I don’t see her singing.

I don’t see her.

 

All because “her Mother” cannot handle things.

Why is it necessary for one person to lie to make themselves feel better? to feel superior? to see the other person weakened?

Phone calls and pictures

I got more pictures in the mail the other day.  I wish there was more.  I wish there were a hell of a lot more.

I had plans on making a call to L today.  Well, it being summer in New England and the sun is out, the humidity is up and I know from the past that they are at the beach.  However, that maybe changing since clouds are rolling in and there is a weather alert.

So I was thinking about calling tomorrow or even Friday since it will be cooler and there will be no humidity.

Now if only I will have the guts to do a true mediation instead of this phone crap.

 

* there will be no phone call this week.  E was going to try and get together with L this week but they are out of town.

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