A day in the sun

I have thought about writing.  I have thought of  closing the blog.  why?  I don’t seem to say anything.  I tend to observe and take everything in.  I dislike confrontation and will run and hide from it.  My nature, my upbringing and something E has worked on with me for a while.

 

I miss E.  I haven’t been in to a session with her in ……… I cannot remember when.  We have touched base by phone and she has suggested that I find a new therapist.  Really?!?!  She doesn’t have weekend hours anymore and trying to make it into Boston from the North Shore by train (got to park the car, well, first you have to find a lot that has a parking spot).  She has suggested Thursdays but with my work schedule (work nights) that makes for a very long and draining day to begin with that trying to go into work is another issue all together. 

I have been dragging my feet on that.  I like E, I am comfortable with her.  She knows when I am talking bullshit and when I just need to vent and get everything off of my chest.  I took grief from people because 1)she is an adoptive parent and 2)she worked for the agency.  But I was comfortable.

Anyway ~~~~

The visit with Supergirl was AWESOME 🙂  It was short but you know what — I didn’t care.  I was with my girl.  She was with me.  The only down spot.  She asked about Biker Boy.  She wants a picture, a recent one.  So I asked him for one.  He has ignored me.  The kicker: I came across some photos of his son, probably when he was about 3 years old.  I sent him a message asking him what he wanted me to do with them  He has ignored me.  I will tell Jessica this when she is older.  I did tell Amom that I requested a photo from Biker and that he ignored me.

Oh well his loss.

 

Now time to enjoy this little shiny thing in the sky 🙂

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Same oh, same oh

There hasn’t been much activity going on so there hasn’t been anything to write about.  Sorry.

 

I sent an email asking for sizes and ideas for the soon to come Supergirl’s birthday.  The response: send a giftcard she doesn’t know what she wants.  Somehow I don’t think so.  Somehow I have a feeling that she knows what she wants — I just don’t get to know.

Not surprised there.

I did however get some pictures sent to me.  *and I ended up getting a disc and just putting all of her pictures on that – thanks for the help and ideas.

So now I had no ideas for her birthday and was justo cming up with ideas was just too much.  I couldn’t think of anything, I just knew that I was not going to get her a giftcard.

So a few weeks go by……. go and open my email and there is an email from Amom.  I almost fell out of my chair, I mean I am going through my email and find that she sent an email on April Fools Day.  So I open it and it appears that my beautiful, smart and sassy Supergirl wants to see me ❤  So Amom suggested that it happen during Spring Break.  So while I supposed to go to Charlotte for the BMB retreat weekend I was unable to get a decent price on airline tickets.  So now the plan is the Thursday I was to go to Charlotte to meet my beautiful sisters again I will be having lunch with my girl….

 

There you go.

Letters

I was informed that the letter was sent to Supergirl’s Mom.

I am freaking out alittle bit.  Why?  because I don’t know what it said.  I don’t know if they have received the letter yet.  I am guessing so since I know I can mail things on Monday and they get it on Tuesday and vice versa.  So now I would like to, if possible, get my hands on a copy of the letter to see what the agency had to say to L.

Biker boy is starting to make an appearance again.  The warmer weather is getting him out since he can now ride his Harley and not worry about not having a car.

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I received some pictures from L from Supergirl’s birthday.  It appears that she had 2 parties, not just one.  One that was with friends and was  a cooking party and the other is the party with family and friends.

I haven’t seen her in almost a year and all ready I can not really recognize her any more.  Is this because I remember her from the last visit? I still see her singing.  I still see her playing a monkey.

I don’t remember her with her hair up.  I don’t remember how her face has changed since that rainy, damp day in April 08.

This time of Year

I don’t like this time of year.

While I like that the weather is getting warmer and the day lasts a little longer.  My heat isn’t kicking on as much.

I hate the next 6 weeks.

In the course of the next 6 weeks my daughter will turn 5.

My grandfather will be gone for 4 years.

My last visit would have been a year ago.

The day that I forever changed my life will come.

The day that I held Supergirl for the first time will come and go.

The day that Biker Boy and I met the aparents.

Can I crawl under the covers now and wake up on May 1st?

Family

I spent Thanksgiving with my father’s relatives.  They are mine as well.  It was interesting.  My great Uncle who is pretty much deaf, even with his hearing aids, was asking about Father.  I told him that I don’t hear from him and I liked it like that.  He then ask Grams.  I don’t know what she told him since I was onto another conversation.

So, who was at this get together?

Well, Grams, Aunt, Cousin, 3 2nd cousins, 1 3rd cousin, Great Aunt and Uncle, partner and family friend.  I think if I added everyone there were 12 of us.

It was a great dinner.  Then afterwards we had birthday cake to celebrate 2 of my 2nd cousins birthdays!!  So including fruit, pie, cookies, torta, there was birthday cake.

We then sat around and started to play some games.  Well, with this family we sing.  Most of do atleast.  We started to play SongBurst 50’s & 60’s edition.  It was fun!!  Especially watching my 15 y/o cousins’ face looking at his mother, my Aunt, burst into song.  I say it about time.  I was broken in about the same age.  My brother was a few years younger but quickly adapted and sang along.

It was a nice 2 days.  I haven’t seen 1 2nd cousin since the family reunion, about 22 years ago.  The other 2nd cousins, probably about 7 years when my cousin J came back from China with her daughter C.

It did however make me think alot of Supergirl over the weekend and it still has me thinking.

How is she?

What would she like for Christmas?

I miss her.  Some times the holidays just make it worst.

Healing

I am trying to heal me.

Which is hard, at least for me.  I look at things and place my worthiness on the shoulders of these people I asked to raise my daughter.  I don’t need them to tell me every time that I see them that I matter.  I believe in the saying “Actions speak louder then words”.  I have grown leery of the words I see.

Biker boy telling me that I can call him anytime if I needed to talk and vent

Supergirl’s parents told me that they want an open adoption and will keep it open

Friends saying that they will keep my secrets

Those words were told to me and their actions speak volumes to me.

For some unknown reason to me but Biker boy has always been able to calm me and help me see things rationally, right now I need that.  He finally got in touch with me but I didn’t answer the phone.  I tried him back but nothing.

The “friends” let slip (bull they just talked) some very personal things I told them in confidence.  I talk to them but I don’t tell them anything.  They think we are friends again but my real friends know everything and will always be in higher regard then you.

Then their is Supergirl’s parents.  what can I say about them?  What can I say about that?  Did we have a great relationship before all this. Hell no but I can tell you that it was a heck of a lot better then it is now and will probably ever be in the future.  If and when they come to me and tell me that they would like to start visits again I will probably be like I was back in April.  Texting a friend every 5 minutes.  Calling my house every 5 minutes on the drive to meet.  Pulling in the parking lot and looking for their car and if I don’t see that calling my house because now I think I missed a call telling me that there is no visit.

 

To me I just need a little action. 

A note in the mail.

A quick little email.

A text sending hugs.

 

Some days I just didn’t realize how much others don’t have to give with a little gesture and how some people just always give that little gesture and I realize how much I like having them in my life.

The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.

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Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.

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