Things/life and everything in between

A friend told me awhile ago that I have ignored this blog.  Yeah, I have.

Why?  Because nothing has changed.  BF is still being a bitch.  Biker boy is still Biker boy and E is doing her best.

I finally told E that while I know it wasn’t reasonable to expect an update from BF on a weekly basis, I would like something.  So E went and called BF and they had a talk.  E then called me to tell me about Supergirl.

So 2 months later E did the same thing.  I mentioned to E that I had not heard about her Supergirl’s birthday went after I had asked her (BF) twice.  Either E or BF was confused and BF sent some pictures and commented on the presents that I had sent.  Not what I had asked.

So things —- haven’t really changed.  BF stills says how she wants an open adoption but then her actions speak to something else entirely.  How ever this time around E suggested that BF have my email address so that she (BF) could get in touch with me.  So after changing my settings on both facebook accounts (some one even suggested that I set up a 3rd email account??  really??) I told E to give her my 2nd email address.  So — I have.  and NOTHING.

see nothing has changed….

???

How does one go about changing a relationship that some feel don’t need to be changed???

I don’t like the way the relationship is.  I don’t like that while I am told one thing — actions speak something else entirely.

Have been trying to get in touch with E but that has not happened.

Things

I cannot believe that I haven’t written about the awful phone call that was almost 2 months ago.

the GREAT weekend I had in Charlotte meeting a wonderful group of Firstmoms.

the crap that is going on my head at the moment.

for now, I think I will try sleep.

Supergirl

My girl is now 6!!!

I cannot believe it.  I cannot believe that I continue to be on the sidelines and wonder just where I place in her life.

I know I went overboard with her birthday presents.  I think I spent the same amount on her birthday as I do for Christmas.  I usually don’t do that.  I still have to mail everything so we will see if anything gets returned but I need to get everything spread out and look at it all and maybe some of it will go into the Christmas pile and I will have started her Christmas presents.

Here is the thing:

I am all ready working on her Christmas present.

I need to get started on her kindergarten graduation present.

I found a project for her next birthday.

All 3 of the above are things that involve, knitting, counted cross stitch and another no sew blanket (probably with a pillow or two)

❤ you my beautiful, sassy, intelligent girl.  You are so loved and missed and remembered.

Open Adoption Interview Part 2

Okay, so here it is.  A day late  (I’m sorry)

E’s wonderful answers!!!

http://seekinggodknowswhat.com/

1)How has your relationship with L changed in the years since Widget’s adoption?

There hasn’t been a lot of change in our relationship with L. When we were first placed with Widget, I had high hopes of developing a close relationship since we were living in the same town. However, no matter my attempts, L has never really reached out and responded. I think there are a couple reasons for this. One is possibly just her personality. She is relatively quiet person and isn’t prone to sharing too much detail about what is happening in her life. The other is that, other than Widget, we don’t have much in common, partially because we are at different stages in life due to age and partially because our backgrounds/lifestyles are very different. It doesn’t meant that I don’t think these things can’t be overcome but, for our relationship, they seem to have been stumbling blocks.

2)Have you met any other bloggers in real life? and if not are there any that you would like to meet?

I have met Nicole, who used to blog at paragraphein.wordpress.com but I think she has made her blog private for now. We only met once for a short period of time when she was in my area but it was really great to talk to her in person. I have also met a couple other people from adoption forums but neither blogs. I have a whole list of people I would love to meet: Dawn from This Woman’s Work; Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland & Stop, Drop and Blog ; thanksgivingmom from I Should Really Be Working; Heather from Production, not Reproduction; Heather from Nobody But Yourself; Jenni from In His Easy Yoke; Coco from Mommyhood and Life according to Coco. Plus numerous others from forums who don’t actively blog!

*Have to tell you — have met TGM(thanksgivingmom) she is a beautiful and smart person

3)From blogging and forums has your opinion of adoption changed? Definitely. A lot of my feelings about the changes that need to happen, particularly with domestic adoption, have come from my participation in blogs and forums. I never realized the subtle intricacies that agencies/attorneys/facilitators use to make adoption seem like the better option for moms considering it for placement of their children and, at times, I am saddened that the initial agency we chose for adoption turned out to be one that does much more of this in the name of Christianity than anything. I am also more respectful of the impact of loss on adoptees and on their first families. My interactions have made me feel much more strongly about the benefits of openness in adoption and needing to be willing as adoptive parents to respect how adoption may (or may not) affect Widget’s life (and our future children’s).

4)Why do you blog?

Initially, I blogged as a way for me to lay out some of my feelings about things that have happened in my life (infertility, depression, childhood cancer). Then I began to feel that if I am going through these things, someone else might be too and, especially in the midst of depression, I felt very lonely and felt like I had no one in my day-to-day life who connected with those feelings, so I began to blog with the idea in mind that I might be able to connect with others who would have a greater understanding of those feelings.

5)How would you deal with the situation if the birthfather showed up in Widget’s life when she is older?

If Widget’s birthfather ever showed up in her life, how we would deal with the situation would depend on how old she is at the time. If she is still a teenager, we would probably take a more active role in her introduction to and meetings with him. I have no qualms about meeting him and as long as we feel he would be a “safe” person for her to have a relationship with, we would allow it, provided it is something she wants. If she is an adult, we would certainly support her decisions and give her advice on how to handle meeting him. I never want to deny her the opportunity to learn about her birthfather and history from him because of my feelings regarding him. I am looking forward to reading your answers!

Thank you E for you answers!!!

Open Adoption Interview Part 1

I stepped outside of my box recently.

I signed up for the Open Adoption Interview.  I was afraid of what questions would be asked of me.

Luckily the person that I was matched with was/is easy going.  I read her blog to think of some questions and have to admit I was stumped!!!  Then mother nature stepped in and while I was dealing with the rain and wind and the possibility of having a phone call this week I thought of some questions.

I opened my email and there were her questions.  I sent my questions.  I waited for her answers and hoped that my answers  were clear enough.

More later…….

Birthmom’s Day

I know a lot of people don’t like this term, this day.

The thing is.  I do kinda like this day.  I really, truly dislike Mother’s Day.  Why??  It is a day where I have to put on the smile and pretend that I am happy.  That I don’t mind seeing all these women out there with their children and knowing that I will go home and cry myself to sleep for another night.  The mask is wavering and really cannot wait for it to crash.

There will be more.

Just have a cold and the coughing, sneezing, achy  head feeling is really just too much to put up with.

Things

I needed a break.

Things are still where they are after the visit in October.  No visit since then.  No phone call, just pictures with no update to help me know my own daughter.

I did some cleaning while I was searching for a cookbook for a coworker.  I got rid of some things that were left after the breakup from Biker Boy.

I came across an envelope that has the beginning of the lies that I have had to deal with since Day 1.

The worthless piece of paper on which the agreement is written on and all agreed to.  The updates would include, likes/dislikes, hobbies, etc.

REALLY???!?!?!?!  I have not gotten updates with the pictures.

Then there is the amended (incorrectly) birth certificate that really has more incorrect information on it then anything else.

Besides that I am just trying to get through the life I am in.

Protected: Life and other moments

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Rose colored glasses

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and live my life with rose colored glasses.

You know the ones.  The ones where no-one gets hurt.  Noone is in pain.  Those glasses.

I know now adays I don’t.  I was out to lunch today with Grams, nothing different about the Sunday routine, with the exception of the Sox and the Pats playing and winning in the background.  While we were being brought to our table we were able to glance in the function room and see that Newburyport High School c/o 1954 was having their 55th high school reunion.  The function room was in the back of the restaurant so that if you were going to the reunion you had to walk through the restaurant.

While everyone was walking by I wasn’t thinking:

What would it be like to meet up with friends after 50 years and see how everyone is doing?

Nope, mine was: I wonder if there are any first moms going to that reunion and if they are will they or have they told others?  And if there are any first mothers there are they in reunion with their grown child? Was it a good reunion? bad? neither?

Why am I thinking these thoughts?

My 20th high school reunion is coming up next month. Here is the thing, the is the high school that I went to my senior year only.  I didn’t make that many friends because 1) I was military 2) I was also engaged.  Plus I started about 6 weeks in during the senior year.  I spent my freshman to junior year at one high school and had to move after senior year started.

So while I decide if I wish to go, and I must make up my mind soon, I then know I will be hit with the questions that I don’t know how to answer.

Do I tell these people who didn’t want to be my friend then that I have a beautiful, smart, and funny daughter?  Do I tell them while I do have a daughter I placed her for adoption and am now regretting my decision everyday because I don’t like how the aparents were able to lie and win me over and then do a 180?

Do I do what I do and not anwer and quickly ask another question?

I need some help with this.