My girl is now 6!!!

I cannot believe it.  I cannot believe that I continue to be on the sidelines and wonder just where I place in her life.

I know I went overboard with her birthday presents.  I think I spent the same amount on her birthday as I do for Christmas.  I usually don’t do that.  I still have to mail everything so we will see if anything gets returned but I need to get everything spread out and look at it all and maybe some of it will go into the Christmas pile and I will have started her Christmas presents.

Here is the thing:

I am all ready working on her Christmas present.

I need to get started on her kindergarten graduation present.

I found a project for her next birthday.

All 3 of the above are things that involve, knitting, counted cross stitch and another no sew blanket (probably with a pillow or two)

❤ you my beautiful, sassy, intelligent girl.  You are so loved and missed and remembered.

Open Adoption Interview Part 2

Okay, so here it is.  A day late  (I’m sorry)

E’s wonderful answers!!!

1)How has your relationship with L changed in the years since Widget’s adoption?

There hasn’t been a lot of change in our relationship with L. When we were first placed with Widget, I had high hopes of developing a close relationship since we were living in the same town. However, no matter my attempts, L has never really reached out and responded. I think there are a couple reasons for this. One is possibly just her personality. She is relatively quiet person and isn’t prone to sharing too much detail about what is happening in her life. The other is that, other than Widget, we don’t have much in common, partially because we are at different stages in life due to age and partially because our backgrounds/lifestyles are very different. It doesn’t meant that I don’t think these things can’t be overcome but, for our relationship, they seem to have been stumbling blocks.

2)Have you met any other bloggers in real life? and if not are there any that you would like to meet?

I have met Nicole, who used to blog at but I think she has made her blog private for now. We only met once for a short period of time when she was in my area but it was really great to talk to her in person. I have also met a couple other people from adoption forums but neither blogs. I have a whole list of people I would love to meet: Dawn from This Woman’s Work; Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland & Stop, Drop and Blog ; thanksgivingmom from I Should Really Be Working; Heather from Production, not Reproduction; Heather from Nobody But Yourself; Jenni from In His Easy Yoke; Coco from Mommyhood and Life according to Coco. Plus numerous others from forums who don’t actively blog!

*Have to tell you — have met TGM(thanksgivingmom) she is a beautiful and smart person

3)From blogging and forums has your opinion of adoption changed? Definitely. A lot of my feelings about the changes that need to happen, particularly with domestic adoption, have come from my participation in blogs and forums. I never realized the subtle intricacies that agencies/attorneys/facilitators use to make adoption seem like the better option for moms considering it for placement of their children and, at times, I am saddened that the initial agency we chose for adoption turned out to be one that does much more of this in the name of Christianity than anything. I am also more respectful of the impact of loss on adoptees and on their first families. My interactions have made me feel much more strongly about the benefits of openness in adoption and needing to be willing as adoptive parents to respect how adoption may (or may not) affect Widget’s life (and our future children’s).

4)Why do you blog?

Initially, I blogged as a way for me to lay out some of my feelings about things that have happened in my life (infertility, depression, childhood cancer). Then I began to feel that if I am going through these things, someone else might be too and, especially in the midst of depression, I felt very lonely and felt like I had no one in my day-to-day life who connected with those feelings, so I began to blog with the idea in mind that I might be able to connect with others who would have a greater understanding of those feelings.

5)How would you deal with the situation if the birthfather showed up in Widget’s life when she is older?

If Widget’s birthfather ever showed up in her life, how we would deal with the situation would depend on how old she is at the time. If she is still a teenager, we would probably take a more active role in her introduction to and meetings with him. I have no qualms about meeting him and as long as we feel he would be a “safe” person for her to have a relationship with, we would allow it, provided it is something she wants. If she is an adult, we would certainly support her decisions and give her advice on how to handle meeting him. I never want to deny her the opportunity to learn about her birthfather and history from him because of my feelings regarding him. I am looking forward to reading your answers!

Thank you E for you answers!!!

Open Adoption Interview Part 1

I stepped outside of my box recently.

I signed up for the Open Adoption Interview.  I was afraid of what questions would be asked of me.

Luckily the person that I was matched with was/is easy going.  I read her blog to think of some questions and have to admit I was stumped!!!  Then mother nature stepped in and while I was dealing with the rain and wind and the possibility of having a phone call this week I thought of some questions.

I opened my email and there were her questions.  I sent my questions.  I waited for her answers and hoped that my answers  were clear enough.

More later…….

I hate this date.

Today is the 28th.

On this day last year my life changed again, forever, for the 2nd or 3rd time in the course of 4 years.
On this date I had a phone call with amom, I cannot even use her name right now. On this phone call, which was on a Friday, a day of thunderstorms, a day in which I had finished my lunch of Taco Bell. A day in which I was, once again, waiting for a response to a note that I had sent to her to set up a visit.
Not within 3 minutes of the phone call, I was told that there would be no more visits.
I was asked if I noticed how Supergirl was acting different, off.
I was then told for the next 20 or so minutes about every thing else in Supergirl’s life.
Her likes, her dislikes.
Honestly, all I ever wanted to do was to go into the bathroom and get rid of the lunch that I had finished with the past 2 hours.
I was in tears for the NIGHT!!! not just for bits and pieces but for the NIGHT!!!

Now here is ….. 1 year later.
I haven’t seen Supergirl since April 28th, 2008.
Yes I am keeping count.

*edited to add

How did I even forget the actually date this all happened on?  Is it a coping strategy for me?

I remember it was a Friday.  Which means the phone call was on the 25th.  Really it doesn’t matter — I was in enough pain that day and the day before.  I was not able to play with Goober like I usually do.

How could I forget another day that would forever alter my universe? My being? My security? My sanity?


10 things part 3

I cannot believe that I am writing another one.

  1. You are close to 59 years old!!!  and yet you use a third person, your son, to get something from your ex wife?!?!?!!?  Somehow I am not surprised by this but the fact that you used your son to do this is a new low, even for you.
  2. You talk to me when I am going thru this ordeal and your comment on it.  ” I want to give you what you want.”  You want me to have a child for you.  You want me to be a single parent in the hopes that you will be able to give us money, when you can.
  3. You tell me that, basically, you want to put a blanket over the whole situation and tell Supergirl, years down the road and tell her: “Here is your sibling”
  4. Once you tell me this, and may I add, that I was not able to sleep.  That I was at a point a few years ago, that if you had brought this up then, I would have said yes.
  5. I have decided on a date to call.  I feel like shit that I have to do this.  I hate, with a passion, that she cannot be a human being and make the call herself.

Ok, I feel better.  Yes it wasn’t 10 but then it doesn’t have to be.


One would think a worker at the agency would know the correct terminology and that the proof reader would realize that they quoted her twice.
The law says you cannot give your baby to somebody without taking the mandatory legal steps.

the story:

Stevens Point police allege Bobbi Jo, 32, and Jason Dolski, 30, took a baby from a woman more than a year ago illegally.

The couple faces charges of child abduction, unauthorized adoption and lying on a birth certificate. They’re being held in Portage County Jail.

Adoption is a complicated process that must involve a licensed adoption agency.

The danger of giving your baby away without the legal documentation is not knowing what could happen to the child.

Hope Pregnancy Resource Center in Wausau works with women facing pregnancies they weren’t expecting.

The executive director wants birth mothers to realize they do have support, and that it’s a good idea to get lots of information and weigh your options before making any major decisions.

And if you do decide on adoption, you must seek professional help from a licensed agency.

“Now it’s worked out that birth mom really has a lot of control. Now she can if she chooses, she can choose the family, she can interview the family, she gets a biography about the family, so pictures and things that she’ll know about the family,” said Janna Janke.

Many birth moms choose to have an open adoption, meaning they can have direct contact with their biological child throughout his or her life.

“Now it’s worked out that birth mom really has a lot of control. She can choose the family, she can interview the family, she gets a biography about the family,” Janke said.

She says unfortunately many women who face unexpected pregnancies are scared, in denial and feel alone.

And that’s when support is so important.

According to Lutheran Social Services, though you can’t buy a baby, birth mothers can receive up to $5,000 in some cases. But that’s only for a birth mom’s needs such as medical expenses, helping with rent, and transportation costs.

On average, about 120,000 children are adopted each year in the U.S.


Again, I had control of the situation?  Oh yes that is right    never did I have any control.  I don’t have control now and I didn’t then.

I did not have the biography of the paps.  I only received a 2 page selling.

Anger — again

I really hate writing about my anger. I hate the fact that I am dealing with people who are older then me and acting worse then I have seen a 2 year old throw a temper tantrum.
Who the hell do they think they are?

*yes I am once again discussing Supergirl’s “parents”
I called E last week since I haven’t heard from her in awhile. We set up a day and time for me to come in since I haven’t seen her since November.
So I asked if she had heard anything.
She has called every week. She has left a message. She has left not 1 but 2 phone numbers for L to reach her at. NOTHING
So I will not run away.
I will not hide.
I will be getting Supergirl something for Valentine’s Day.
I will be sending it.
I will be including a card.
I will sign my name.
I will not leave my daughters life!!!!!!

I have been discussing this with some beautiful women on one of the forums I belong to. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock. These women would LOVE for their child’s firstmother to be in their life and here I am; wanting to be in Supergirl’s life and being pushed out of it.
Life really isn’t fair.

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