The EX

I was sent a crushing  blow the other day.  I was all set up for a visit.  A visit I haven’t had in months, now  I am looking at maybe 14 months between visits.

I fought the urge to call the ex.  I wanted to.  I picked up the phone and called, his number is still not working. Thankfull about that.  Then I hid out at a friends place for the afternoon.  I kept going to Myspace and pulling up his page.  My hand kept hovering above the message button, I wanted to send him a note.  I wanted to see him.  I wanted him to comfort me in the way that noone has been able too.  I wanted his arms around me.  I wanted to hear him say that, I really didn’t care what he said, as long as he was there.

I had told my friend, T, that I would need to go out this weekend.  We went out.  I spent the evening with friends and I laughed.  I laughed to the point that my face hurt.  I had tears, not from crying but from laughing.  I was hoping before we left that he would not be there.  I was glad that he wasn’t. I am still pondering sending him a message. My finger still hovers over that button.

Then I wonder what will I tell him?  I went in and saw E today.  I told her that I wanted to talk to him.  That I kept going back to Myspace to go to his page and that I was close to sending him a message.  Why after all this time that he is the one that I wish to run to?  What would I say to him?  Would I have anything to say to him?  Would I be able to be polite to talk to him or would I let all of my anger out and just lash out at him?

I really don’t know and right now I am still glad that his phone does not work.

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This weekend

I was away this weekend.  I was up at my Aunt’s house and I needed it.  I just needed to get away from everyone and everything.  Away from my phone so that noone could find me.

I was having a week and then B called.  He called me on Monday night.  I called him back on Tuesday.  He asked why I didn’t go and talk to him when I almost ran into him at the bar.  Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to him.  Maybe because I didn’t want to ruin a good day?  Maybe because I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore?

He asked me how I was doing.  I just kept it simple – sick.  He asked how work was — busy.  He asked if I wanted to talk to him.  I just told him that I didn’t have a voice and it hurt to talk.  He told me to call him when I was feeling better and if I go up to the club/bar and he is there, to come in and talk to him.  Please………………  I have to do as you say now?  since when you fucking idiot.

I had found pictures of his son, C, awhile ago and I was going to mail them to him.  I now cannot find them.  I found one and I will mail that to him and include a note that says “oh by the way, even though you didn’t ask, Supergirl is just fine, thanks for asking.”  I am thinking about being evil and including a photo of Supergirl in there.  It will not be a recent photo.

Maybe one from this summer.

I really don’t know.

Many of you maybe happy to hear, that I called and spoke to L, before I went out of town.  I am hoping against hope that I will see my Supergirl next month.  I will see her smile in person.

I will hear her laugh.

I will see her smile.

She will see me.

She will see her in me.

I have started my new antidepressant.  So far so good.  I notice that I don’t have the anger as much as I used to and that I am not sleeping my day away.  Let’s see if that stays that way.