Singing

Maybe I am over my anger.

How do I know? I was singing in my car.  It may not be anything big to anyone else but I haven’t wanted to sing in my car.  I used to do all the time.  Find a song and just start.  But since the melt down last month I haven’t been able to really listen to a whole song.  My angry music wasn’t cutting it anymore.

It wasn’t working.  It wasn’t angry enough.

This week I am watching my friends cat while she is away camping. 
So last night after work, I got in my car and got myself ready for a 20 minute drive up 95 and so I put in a CD.

Turned out to be the right one.

Natalie Merchant and 10,000 maniacs

Tracy Chapman

Jewel

Stevie Nicks

Dixie Chicks

Meredith Brooks

Alannis

Bonnie Tyler

 

I sing songs from all of these wonder artists.  Karoake can be theraputic but I just haven’t  been in a mood to sing anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other news.

I received pictures for the 3rd moth in a row.  Makes me wonder if guilt is laying heavily on her mind right now.  This is her way to make it up to me.

Right now it confuses the hell out of me.  I don’t want to expect this every month because they have broken promises in the past but it just makes me wonder if it will continue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rather sad news is that a dear friend lost her father on Monday.  He went into the hospital April and never came home.  Everytime he went from the hospital to rehab he would relapse.

I met this man a few times and he will be missed.

Advertisements

Confessions

yeap, here it is.. time to confess some things.

 

I watch the Olympics.  Not so bad.  I cry when, during the medal ceremony, it doesn’t matter what country is on the podium with gold I cry.  Just to look at their faces in wonder at the moment.  Of course it helps when some of them are just too cute! 😉

I yell at the tv!  Friends can atest to this.  They have heard me while we are on the phone and I am yelling at a stupid move or comment.

I have yet to finish the final Harry Potter book. -hides head-  I am stuck in the woods. I admit it.  However, since I have a bad habit, I have read the last chapter.  Why I do this I don’t know.  I do it will all books.

I have called Biker boy.  Not once.  Not twice.  But atleast 3 times.

Incomplete

Right now this is so me.

You gotta love Alanis Morissette

One day I’ll find relief
I’ll be arrived
And I’ll be friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I’ll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I’ll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I’ll know God
And I’ll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I’ll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
And never done

One day I will speak freely
I’ll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I’ll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Protected: Broken

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Reading

I have a mess of books to read and I blame my friends for that!!!

I blame Coco for showing me to Bookswim.  I blame my IRL friends for knowing me too well for my birthday.  The bookcase is being cleaned out again.  Either friends will get the fallout, or some online friends will get the fall out but I have a feeling that a good number will be donated to charity.  Again.

I have one friend, who the last time I saw her was in Barnes and Noble, and she gave me a gift card for my birthday.  I think from that one GC I went and purchased a total of 8 books.  Love sales!!!!

Now to make room from the latest shipment of chicklit and adoption related books to get me through the next few months.  Luckily it takes some time to go in and see therapist!!  Otherwise I doubt I would get as much reading done as I do with the train rides.

The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.

Searches

Every once in awhile I will look and see what people have typed in to find my blog.

The music ones are great!!  Those seem to happen everyday.

Then I came across this one

 

How to secure a birthmom

I am not here to tell you how to find yourself a firstmom.  If you think that —  get away from me!!!  I will never tell you how to rip a part of a soul away from another woman and say it is in the name of love.  I will never tell you what I read some other people do.  Tell lies and then go back on your words because you got what you wanted.

Won’t happen.

Especially from this woman, who goes by the nickname of Bitch.

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries