Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

Advertisements

Countdown

So who would like to join me in a countdown??

A countdown to what you may be asking yourself?

A countdown to when I will see Supergirl.

I have no idea when it is.

I have no idea where it will be.

I just know that I was told I would be getting a visit before her birthday.

Just so you know, as of today, her birthday is 34 days away.

Not on my mind much is she 😉

So will the visit be in

1 week?

2 weeks?

3 weeks?

4 weeks?

any takers?

Why is it?

I went out Saturday night and there a few friends out.  Not many, since we are all resting for this weekend and the St. Patty’s party coming up this weekend.  So while I was just relaxing and thinking that I could go home and get some sleep one person came up to me and said:

“So how is the baby?  I know she isn’t a baby anymore but I hope you don’t mind me asking about her.”

I don’t talk to her anymore.  She lied to me.  She hurt me.  I do not easily forgive.  It is not my nature.  Hurt me once, okay, but then again forget about it.

She said I didn’t appear as cold as I was the last time she was out.

Excuse me????  I didn’t talk to you then because I didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to this past weekend but I was hoping someone else would show up.  Really, anyone.

So anyway, I told her that Supergirl is going to be 4 next month and that she doesn’t look like B anymore.  They are friends on Myspace, I am sure she still talks to him so I will just put little things out there like this.  I said it was better for her that she didn’t look like him.

Why is it the one person I don’t care for, besides B, that asks about Supergirl?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note.

I told someone else about Supergirl.

Another coworker.

She just told some of us that she is pregnant.  We were talking and I knew I would be able to talk about what is going on but I was quiet.  She came over to my desk Friday and she was talking and I just made a comment about not being able to have red sauce with pizza or pasta while pregnant.  She looked at me and I just said “Oh yeah, Supergirl will be 4 next month and she was placed for adoption.”  Her first question “Where does she live, close I hope?”  I could have cried at that point. So I told her where they live.  She said that it is a good thing that they live close and that Supergirl is gorgeous.  Ofcourse I think so but it is still nice to hear.

I was hoping that I would be getting a visit sometime soon but when I got a call from L she said that they were going on vacation later this month and how about we get together after they get back.   ???? huh????  So I am hoping to get together soon but as it looks it could be in 3, 4, or even 5 weeks from now.  She said before Supergirl’s birthday.

I hope.

New Year, New Goals

Now that we are a week into this new year I figured I would write my goals.   I don’t make resolutions because when they are not met I feel really bad about myself.

I had a few goals to end out the year.

1) to get Supergirl’s Christmas presents to her before the year was over

2) to get the ball rolling on a visit.

Well,  I made those goals.  🙂

I played phone tag with L over the weekend into Monday and when we were finally able to talk to a person and not the voice mail we were on the phone for a 1/2 hour.

I am seeing L and Supergirl on Friday.  2, count them, 2 days from now.  In under 72 hours I will see Supergirl and her smile.  To hear her talk.  To just see for myself how big she has gotten.

I was caught up on some of her adventures.  Her likes in food and her unlikes in food.  How she and I do not really like to eat breakfast.  We will eat something if we are forced to but would rather wait a few hours before we have something and then it isn’t anything big (unless I meet friends for breakfast because then I am having my 3 egg omelet with cheese and ham, home fries and English muffin).

Now I hear it going to rain.  We are meeting at a restaurant.  If it is raining then I will not be able to get alot of pictures.  That stinks.

I hate that part.

I really do.

but I get to see my girl.

After 1 year, 1 month and 4 days, I will be able to see Supergirl again.

Supergirl

http://thanksgivingmom.wordpress.com/  had an interesting post about her daughters eyes looking like hers. It made start to think about Supergirl.

When she was born and right after the delivery: she was wrapped and I saw her.  My friend, T, and I remarked on how she has the dent in her chin just like B.  Her lips were formed in the same way.  I look at her baby pictures and I see her lips and when I see her lips I see him.

She also had a dimple.  A one-sided dimple.  So that when she smiled only one dimple showed up.  She got that from her 1/2 brother.  I really don’t see it from B but then I don’t have alot of pictures of him and the ones that I do have, he isn’t smiling.  But the pictures that I have of his son, C, you cannot miss it.  It is on the same side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then she started to grow and change.  Who did she look like?  Which side was she taking after?

Shortly after her first birthday she stopped looking like B and started to look more like me.  That is what I saw.  B only saw me and I only saw him when we looked at her pictures.  Our way to hold on the the other?  who knows.

I got their Christmas card in the mail yesterday.  Her hair is curlier but then it has always been curly.  Her hair is still medium-dark brown, and her eyes are still that beautiful blue that I fell in love with when she was 1 minute old.

Those that know about her here at work just looked at the picture and said that you can tell just from looking at the picture that she is mine.

I looked/studied her picture last night when I got home from work to just see what they were seeing and to continue to work up the nerve to see her next month. 

So what can I call me when I look at her?

Her eyes

Her mouth

Her smile

Those are things that they will never be able to change about her or try to call their own and really — I like it that way.