Mother Nature, Life and what not

Things have been — well been. Neither happy nor sad. Mother Nature came with a storm and I had about a foot of snow last Friday into Saturday. Shoveled out by 4pm, went to a friends, went out for a drink and came home. It started to snow on Sunday and turned to rain. Another 7 inches to add to the 11 on the ground.
Errands for work. 2 days of work. Shopping, mail, cold and shoveling have held my time to a computer to a minimum. I have not written in Supergirl’s journal, my journal or anywhere.
I did however finish off all of the scarves that I had orders for and now have to finish those for my friends and Supergirl. Then I have 2 others to do.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

Overwhelmed

I feel like hiding out.

I feel like I am falling.

It has been a wild week.  Biker boys’ (new name for ex B) sister had a baby.  I know of 2 people in real life who are pregnant.  They are due 1 week apart in January.

I cannot deal with all of the support they have around them.

I hate the support that they have around them.

I cannot stand the support that they have around them.

I hate looking down the road and seeing Supergirl as the only child that I will ever have and I didn’t raise her.

I hate it.

I really, really hate it.

The smile is off.

The smile is gone.

It doesn’t need to come back.

I am pissed

There are no other words for it.

I am trying to understand.

I am really.

In the mean time I sit with tears in my eyes trying not to cry while I am at work.

I was hoping for a visit this month or next month.  I need a visit.  I need it like oxygen at the moment.  It has been 14 months since I have since the smile in person.  It now looks to be 2 more months.

I am so beyond pissed, upset, done, depressed it isn’t funny anymore. 

How much more am I expected to take?

How much more do I have to take?

How much do I wish I could get in touch with B right now?

This weekend

I was away this weekend.  I was up at my Aunt’s house and I needed it.  I just needed to get away from everyone and everything.  Away from my phone so that noone could find me.

I was having a week and then B called.  He called me on Monday night.  I called him back on Tuesday.  He asked why I didn’t go and talk to him when I almost ran into him at the bar.  Maybe because I didn’t want to talk to him.  Maybe because I didn’t want to ruin a good day?  Maybe because I really don’t have anything to say to him anymore?

He asked me how I was doing.  I just kept it simple – sick.  He asked how work was — busy.  He asked if I wanted to talk to him.  I just told him that I didn’t have a voice and it hurt to talk.  He told me to call him when I was feeling better and if I go up to the club/bar and he is there, to come in and talk to him.  Please………………  I have to do as you say now?  since when you fucking idiot.

I had found pictures of his son, C, awhile ago and I was going to mail them to him.  I now cannot find them.  I found one and I will mail that to him and include a note that says “oh by the way, even though you didn’t ask, Supergirl is just fine, thanks for asking.”  I am thinking about being evil and including a photo of Supergirl in there.  It will not be a recent photo.

Maybe one from this summer.

I really don’t know.

Many of you maybe happy to hear, that I called and spoke to L, before I went out of town.  I am hoping against hope that I will see my Supergirl next month.  I will see her smile in person.

I will hear her laugh.

I will see her smile.

She will see me.

She will see her in me.

I have started my new antidepressant.  So far so good.  I notice that I don’t have the anger as much as I used to and that I am not sleeping my day away.  Let’s see if that stays that way.