Anger

I have alot of anger right now.

Why?  I am waiting for a 2 line note from L.  Or even a 30 second phone call.  Does she really keep going 24/7?  Please.  I am not that stupid.  I asked one simple question and I have gotten nothing in return.  Ofcourse all this is happening around a date I would love to remember more but would rather forget ever happened.

I last saw Supergirl in her element (her house) 2 years ago.  Since then our open adoption has spiraled downward.  I believe beyond a doubt that L believes that I told Supergirl that I am her birthmom.  I can tell you and her and anyone who may doubt me that I did not.  What would I gain out of it?  NOTHING!! so why go there?  It took over a year to get another visit.  I don’t want to go through that again.  It hurt.  It still hurts.

Then I was saw E yesterday.  She told me that she hasn’t been able to get in touch with C.  WTF!!!!!  So now E said she would think of something but because this is December — nothing will happen this month.

Fucking Merry Christmas to me.

*Sorry, I am not only hurt and angry, I am crying at anything.  I was watching Grey’s Anatomy on DVD and just started bawling my eyes out because Dr. Lang couldn’t find a leg.  Yes, I was crying.  I was watching another DVD last night and I started crying as well.

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My job

There are many days when I love my job.  I do.  I may vent that they are getting on my case that my numbers are low or not as high as they normally are but then again I am also second in command so I have to help G answer questions as the night goes on, enter my runs and correct QC (quality control) for the newbies and the random QC I have to do for the others.  Oh, and take incoming phone calls. No pressure.  (smirk)

Any way — there are really interesting days.  My job is different.  I don’t know of anyone who does ambulance medical billing.  Basically, you call 911 and there is a good chance I could get it at work.  We do over 200 towns in 6 states.  I also help with the new towns and work out kinks and pass them on to others.

Then there are the nights were I am in tears because a parent thought it was a good thing to co-sleep with a child and while asleep, rolled over on top of said infant.  Parents wakes up.  Realizes what happened.  Calls 911 and I see “officer running out of house with limp infant in arms.  Blue around lips, no pulse.”  I cry.  So I really just want to scream when I read on the forums about aparents who think it such a great idea to do this as they seem to think this is a way to bond.  gag.  double gag.

Then there are the nights when I see alot of  Supergirl’s name.  A good number of nights I can deal and it won’t be a problem but she has a common name. There is nothing special about her name.  It is always there.  Tonight it jolted me.

Then the nights were I get a minor who is pregnant and is in labor.  And come to find out this isn’t the first.

I think the worst part of the job is that when I watch the news, and my coworkers do this as well, we see where the accident or incident happened to see if we are getting the run at work.  Gives new meaning to watching the television now.

Then listing to the stupid morons talk about nothing that they know about but want to sound important when they sound like the idiots they are and give us a reason to laugh.

I really like weekends.

I really like holidays.

Why is it??

That I am held to a higher standard?

That I am the one who has to jump through hoops?

 That I am the one who is sitting here hurting?

That I am the one who needs to walk away?

That I am the one who won’t because of Supergirl?

That I am in the mood to argue with anyone about anything?

That I just want to show up on their doorstep?

That I want to drive by their house at all hours?

That I want to crank call them at all hours?

That I just want to get out of town?

3 weeks

It is now 3 weeks and counting.

NOTHING

I am about to just wrap and send her presents out.

Why keep them around?

Why keep them in a box taking up space on my floor?

This is really starting to bite it big time.

Started to take the antidepressants again.

Really, really bad month coming up.  Everything dealing with adoption happens next month.

Supergirls birth.

Leaving the hospital.

Signing the TPR.

Meeting L&B.

Grandfather passing away.

First visit right before her 1st birthday.

B’s birthday (there is a headache I don’t want)

Anger

I am angry.

I don’t know why.

I don’t know how to stop it.

It has been going on for a week and not even a great shopping experience last weekend helped.  I mean almost everything I bought was on sale.

This weekend:

I tried to scrapbook.  I don’t like the way the layouts came out.

I tried to read.  Couldn’t concentrate.

I tried to watch movies and just kept breaking down.

So I ended up having a few drinks and fell asleep listening to Evanescence and Finger 11.

Did it help?

not really