Things

I have thought about shutting this down.

I don’t write much of anything anymore.  I try to keep up with crafts and crochet to keep myself sane.

I take my ques from Supergirl.  She wanted a visit in August, which worked out well since I was heading out of town the next day to visit an old friend.  Well, my ex fiancee.  It was wild.

He found me on facebook a few years ago and we have talked by text and phone.  We caught up and he invited me down to visit him.  He doesn’t know about Supergirl.  It was not a great thing to come off the visit high while with him but it was  a laid back weekend.  He had his daughter visiting so we hung out during the day and watched movies at night.

Busy, busy

I had a busy holiday season.  I spent a lot of time working on scarves.  Beats sitting in front of a tv and not doing anything.  Which is fine with me, cannot stand to just sit there and do nothing.

Now I am working on different scarves, cowls and a baby blanket for a coworker.  I am always looking for new yarns and colors and designs.

 

Silence

I cannot believe it has been this long since I have written anything!!! It is just life moves. I am taking my cues from Supergirl. I get a visit when she wishes it. Do I wish she would like a visit more often ~~ of course. I can only be here for her when she asks.
I wish that I still got pictures more often. I am almost tempted to go back to snail mail. I got more pictures more often. I wish that amom wasn’t so —- I just wish she wasn’t. I really don’t know how to put it into words. I love my daughter and I will love her and be there for her no matter what aparents wish. I continue to ask questions in the hopes that 1 day she will answer.
~~~~~~
My little side business is going well. I signed up to do a Holiday bazaar the first Saturday in December and so my days are spent making ruffle scarves. I have to about 1 a day now in the hopes I can make enough for this event. Luckily I don’t have to have a table all to myself, there will be 2 other people at the same table. I will be selling scarves, 1 will be selling hats and the 3rd lady will be selling children hair accessories. (and yes I will be scooping them out to see what I can buy for Supergirl)
So maybe this blog is morphing into something else? who knows. I keep seeing all these yarns that I would love to work with and all these patterns that my fingers are just itching to try.
For now ~~ it all waits until 5pm December 3rd. The bazaar will be over and the table cleaned up 🙂

I confess

I confess that:

I have been thinking a lot about Supergirl lately.

I wish I was getting pictures sooner rather then later.

I am trying to get my side business up and running.

While I am happy to have the overtime, I am sooo tired.

I am so angry about some comments I have read/heard about  firstmoms that I wish I could just scream.

I cried while sitting watching the musical Tarzan.

Some days that I hate that I know what I know  about adoption.

Again

I logged onto Facebook the other night.  There were 2 surprised there for me.

I looked and my niece and nephews had a new friend.  I looked at the name and I freaked out.  I appears J, my so called, father now has a face book page.  He is on block.  Then I looked because I am taking a vacation this year and wanted to tell my Mother when we would be down.  Her page is now gone.

 

Then I have been playing phone tag with E.  It appears she is no longer working at the agency.  So she has been setting up a new email and hours all set and we just have been playing tag and leaving messages with each other.

and no word from AP  (not surprising there)

Things I see

I have been doing alot of reading lately. Which is what I do. I love to read, I love the curling up on the couch, have a drink next to me and just open a book.
My only problem?? for some reason EVERY book that I have pulled out has had a mention of adoption in it. One way or another. Some days it doesn’t bother me and some days it takes all of my nerves not to throw the book across the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there is the Supergirl front.
I sent an email to BF and got no response. I sent a second email and got a response with PHOTOS!!!
Do I wish there were more? Hell yeah but it is a step and I will take what I can get.
I am quickly approaching 1 year since the last visit. As a person who avoids confrontation I don’t know how to ask for another. Supergirl asked for the last one.
Do I wait for her to ask?
Do I just open up and ask?
Am I making her life harder because I am fighting to stay in her life?
Plus, I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety…

Just what I don’t need.

???

How does one go about changing a relationship that some feel don’t need to be changed???

I don’t like the way the relationship is.  I don’t like that while I am told one thing — actions speak something else entirely.

Have been trying to get in touch with E but that has not happened.

Things

I cannot believe that I haven’t written about the awful phone call that was almost 2 months ago.

the GREAT weekend I had in Charlotte meeting a wonderful group of Firstmoms.

the crap that is going on my head at the moment.

for now, I think I will try sleep.

Open Adoption Interview Part 2

Okay, so here it is.  A day late  (I’m sorry)

E’s wonderful answers!!!

http://seekinggodknowswhat.com/

1)How has your relationship with L changed in the years since Widget’s adoption?

There hasn’t been a lot of change in our relationship with L. When we were first placed with Widget, I had high hopes of developing a close relationship since we were living in the same town. However, no matter my attempts, L has never really reached out and responded. I think there are a couple reasons for this. One is possibly just her personality. She is relatively quiet person and isn’t prone to sharing too much detail about what is happening in her life. The other is that, other than Widget, we don’t have much in common, partially because we are at different stages in life due to age and partially because our backgrounds/lifestyles are very different. It doesn’t meant that I don’t think these things can’t be overcome but, for our relationship, they seem to have been stumbling blocks.

2)Have you met any other bloggers in real life? and if not are there any that you would like to meet?

I have met Nicole, who used to blog at paragraphein.wordpress.com but I think she has made her blog private for now. We only met once for a short period of time when she was in my area but it was really great to talk to her in person. I have also met a couple other people from adoption forums but neither blogs. I have a whole list of people I would love to meet: Dawn from This Woman’s Work; Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland & Stop, Drop and Blog ; thanksgivingmom from I Should Really Be Working; Heather from Production, not Reproduction; Heather from Nobody But Yourself; Jenni from In His Easy Yoke; Coco from Mommyhood and Life according to Coco. Plus numerous others from forums who don’t actively blog!

*Have to tell you — have met TGM(thanksgivingmom) she is a beautiful and smart person

3)From blogging and forums has your opinion of adoption changed? Definitely. A lot of my feelings about the changes that need to happen, particularly with domestic adoption, have come from my participation in blogs and forums. I never realized the subtle intricacies that agencies/attorneys/facilitators use to make adoption seem like the better option for moms considering it for placement of their children and, at times, I am saddened that the initial agency we chose for adoption turned out to be one that does much more of this in the name of Christianity than anything. I am also more respectful of the impact of loss on adoptees and on their first families. My interactions have made me feel much more strongly about the benefits of openness in adoption and needing to be willing as adoptive parents to respect how adoption may (or may not) affect Widget’s life (and our future children’s).

4)Why do you blog?

Initially, I blogged as a way for me to lay out some of my feelings about things that have happened in my life (infertility, depression, childhood cancer). Then I began to feel that if I am going through these things, someone else might be too and, especially in the midst of depression, I felt very lonely and felt like I had no one in my day-to-day life who connected with those feelings, so I began to blog with the idea in mind that I might be able to connect with others who would have a greater understanding of those feelings.

5)How would you deal with the situation if the birthfather showed up in Widget’s life when she is older?

If Widget’s birthfather ever showed up in her life, how we would deal with the situation would depend on how old she is at the time. If she is still a teenager, we would probably take a more active role in her introduction to and meetings with him. I have no qualms about meeting him and as long as we feel he would be a “safe” person for her to have a relationship with, we would allow it, provided it is something she wants. If she is an adult, we would certainly support her decisions and give her advice on how to handle meeting him. I never want to deny her the opportunity to learn about her birthfather and history from him because of my feelings regarding him. I am looking forward to reading your answers!

Thank you E for you answers!!!

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