The unknown

I have been trying to figure out the words to my brother and sister in law to go about introducing myself to my almost 18 year old niece.  I don’t know how to do it.  I really just don’t want to come out of my mouth and sound rude.  I don’t want it to sound whinny.  I just want it to sound sincere.

E on the other hand has become a celebrity in the family whether she knows it or not.  My grandmother told my Aunt and she would like pictures so that she can explain it to my cousin.

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Is this all it takes?

Would they all be like that if I told them about Supergirl?

Would they welcome her into their lives just as they have welcomed E?

I feel the need/the want to tell them but I stop myself every time.  I cannot speak the words that keep running around in my head just waiting for the time to come out.

Why can’t I do this?

Why can’t I speak from the heart and tell them?

Why can’t I tell E (therapist not to be confused to new awesomest neice) that I want to go ahead with a true mediation to get through this.

I am tired of living my life like this.

I am tired of not knowing any answers.

I am tired of the waiting.

I am tired of the unknowing.

I am tired.

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Musings

I am back.

It was nice to just get out of town and escape from everything.  No computer.  No phone.  There was just me. I read, walked, watched the sunset and took pictures.  Slowly made my way South and stopped at another lighthouse and just sat and watched the ocean hit the rocks.  I watched people sunbathing in 50+ degree weather (don’t you just love New England in the Spring).

I did alittle shopping.  Some writing.  Some reading.  Watching tv (got some lessons on my French since some of the channels were from Canada and were French Canadian)  imagine watching Hereos in French?  Interesting indeed.

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I am to have a visit in a week and a day.  Here is the thing.  While I was excited about ALL my other visits this one is making me feel — bleh.

I am not liking that feeling.  I think right now that I am feeling “I will believe it when it happens and not before then.”  I told E about the upcoming visit and she still thinks that we should go to mediation.  However, I am a chicken shit.  I hate confrontation.  I really don’t like it at all.

I grew up with fights and abuse.  So much so that I don’t make up my mind.  I have a really hard time with it.  I would rather the decision be made for me and not have to make one for myself.  So I have been avoiding mediation with everything that is in me.  I am afraid on how it will turn out.

I mean really, it really cannot get worse then it all ready is.  I haven’t seen Supergirl since December 06 and haven’t gotten any new pictures since January.  The worse it can get is all contact stops.

Why is it??

That I am held to a higher standard?

That I am the one who has to jump through hoops?

 That I am the one who is sitting here hurting?

That I am the one who needs to walk away?

That I am the one who won’t because of Supergirl?

That I am in the mood to argue with anyone about anything?

That I just want to show up on their doorstep?

That I want to drive by their house at all hours?

That I want to crank call them at all hours?

That I just want to get out of town?

RENT

What to do you think of when you hear these names:

Tracie Thoms of Cold Case

Jesse L. Martin of Law & Order

Taye Diggs of Private Practice

I think of them from RENT. Jesse and Taye were from the original Broadway production of RENT and they, along with many other of the old timers came back for the movie version. Tracie came in the movie version as Joann.

When I saw E, my therapist, the other day she asked what I was listening to. She knows that my mood reflects the music that I will listen to. I told her that I have been falling asleep with RENT playing in my CD player. She was excited. I told her that the show is closing and that I have never seen the show in New York and I should go down and see it. I would like to more than anything.

To sit in the audience and just soak in all the sights around me. How ever I can really only afford when it comes through Boston every year. Missed this year though. Must go next year.

Here is just a sample of what I am talking about with the lyrics.

Another Day

The heart may freeze or it can burn

The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future

There is no past

I live the moment

As my last

There’s only yes

only tonight

We must let go

To know what’s right

No other course

No other way

No Day But Today

I can’t control

my destiny

I trust my soul

My only goal

is just to be.

There’s only now

There’s only here

Give into love

Or live in fear

No other path

No other way

No Day But Today

Seasons of Love

*I will shorten this a bit

525,600 minutes

Moments so dear

How do you measure

measure a year?

in daylights, in sunsets

in midnights, in cups of coffee

in inches, in miles

in laughter, in strife

Measure your life in love.

It is a shame that Jonathan Larson died before he saw this open on Broadway.

I remember flying up to Mass for a friends wedding in 1996. I was sitting in my Grandparents living-room watching the Tony Awards when the cast sang “Seasons of Love” I wanted to see the show then.

It was powerful then and it is powerful now.

Why is it?

I went out Saturday night and there a few friends out.  Not many, since we are all resting for this weekend and the St. Patty’s party coming up this weekend.  So while I was just relaxing and thinking that I could go home and get some sleep one person came up to me and said:

“So how is the baby?  I know she isn’t a baby anymore but I hope you don’t mind me asking about her.”

I don’t talk to her anymore.  She lied to me.  She hurt me.  I do not easily forgive.  It is not my nature.  Hurt me once, okay, but then again forget about it.

She said I didn’t appear as cold as I was the last time she was out.

Excuse me????  I didn’t talk to you then because I didn’t want to.  I didn’t want to this past weekend but I was hoping someone else would show up.  Really, anyone.

So anyway, I told her that Supergirl is going to be 4 next month and that she doesn’t look like B anymore.  They are friends on Myspace, I am sure she still talks to him so I will just put little things out there like this.  I said it was better for her that she didn’t look like him.

Why is it the one person I don’t care for, besides B, that asks about Supergirl?

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On another note.

I told someone else about Supergirl.

Another coworker.

She just told some of us that she is pregnant.  We were talking and I knew I would be able to talk about what is going on but I was quiet.  She came over to my desk Friday and she was talking and I just made a comment about not being able to have red sauce with pizza or pasta while pregnant.  She looked at me and I just said “Oh yeah, Supergirl will be 4 next month and she was placed for adoption.”  Her first question “Where does she live, close I hope?”  I could have cried at that point. So I told her where they live.  She said that it is a good thing that they live close and that Supergirl is gorgeous.  Ofcourse I think so but it is still nice to hear.

I was hoping that I would be getting a visit sometime soon but when I got a call from L she said that they were going on vacation later this month and how about we get together after they get back.   ???? huh????  So I am hoping to get together soon but as it looks it could be in 3, 4, or even 5 weeks from now.  She said before Supergirl’s birthday.

I hope.

New Song

I listen to alot of music.

I was very angry awhile ago and then I heard this song

SIXX:A.M. LYRICS

“Life Is Beautiful”

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive…
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Why this song?

Why now?

I don’t know but the song is just: beautiful

The EX

I was sent a crushing  blow the other day.  I was all set up for a visit.  A visit I haven’t had in months, now  I am looking at maybe 14 months between visits.

I fought the urge to call the ex.  I wanted to.  I picked up the phone and called, his number is still not working. Thankfull about that.  Then I hid out at a friends place for the afternoon.  I kept going to Myspace and pulling up his page.  My hand kept hovering above the message button, I wanted to send him a note.  I wanted to see him.  I wanted him to comfort me in the way that noone has been able too.  I wanted his arms around me.  I wanted to hear him say that, I really didn’t care what he said, as long as he was there.

I had told my friend, T, that I would need to go out this weekend.  We went out.  I spent the evening with friends and I laughed.  I laughed to the point that my face hurt.  I had tears, not from crying but from laughing.  I was hoping before we left that he would not be there.  I was glad that he wasn’t. I am still pondering sending him a message. My finger still hovers over that button.

Then I wonder what will I tell him?  I went in and saw E today.  I told her that I wanted to talk to him.  That I kept going back to Myspace to go to his page and that I was close to sending him a message.  Why after all this time that he is the one that I wish to run to?  What would I say to him?  Would I have anything to say to him?  Would I be able to be polite to talk to him or would I let all of my anger out and just lash out at him?

I really don’t know and right now I am still glad that his phone does not work.