Overwhelmed

I feel like hiding out.

I feel like I am falling.

It has been a wild week.  Biker boys’ (new name for ex B) sister had a baby.  I know of 2 people in real life who are pregnant.  They are due 1 week apart in January.

I cannot deal with all of the support they have around them.

I hate the support that they have around them.

I cannot stand the support that they have around them.

I hate looking down the road and seeing Supergirl as the only child that I will ever have and I didn’t raise her.

I hate it.

I really, really hate it.

The smile is off.

The smile is gone.

It doesn’t need to come back.

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Secrets

Not everyone knows the other family “secret”.

There is Supergirl, she is the newest if you can say that about a 4 year old however there is a 17 year old “secret” about to not be a secret any longer.

When my brother and SIL were in high school they placed a girl for adoption.  They later got married and had 3 beautiful children, of course with me being the Aunt I am, I may be just slightly biased.

However in a less then 2 weeks K and E will be meeting their daughter E.  I am beyond happy for them.  I am happy that E looks like them.  She looks like my eldest nephew.

Just glad some secrets are coming out.

10 Things

I really need to get a bunch of stuff of my chest and so I changed a saved post and I am going with this.  I got this from a dear friend and she said she felt better.  Let’s see if it works.

 

basically you get to get 10 things off your chest without naming people.

 

1) Grow up you loser.  Your son wants to follow in your footsteps and you said that won’t happen??  How in the hell do you think that it won’t.  All he has known is his father with no job, no money, going from one relationship to another with no stability in his life.  You have how many kids?  Yes I am counting the ones that you don’t see.  What I think it really funny  not funny since my daughter is this, is that you see NONE of your daughters!!!  How many are those.  There is Supergirl, there is D and there is the one who may not be yours but you don’t know and she is going to let another man think that she may be his.  Grow up, get a job.  Right now I am really, really glad that Supergirl doesn’t know you.  That she will not know you.  She doesn’t need that shit in her life.

2) T I wish, wish that there was something that I can do to help you.  I am here.  Call me at anytime of the day or night.  I don’t care.  I worry about you.  I worry about mom and I worry about dad.  I don’t want him to give up.  He has a wonderful life and family.  I want him home to enjoy them for many years to come.  I want him to walk into your new house and say how happy he is for you.  I want to go to your old house for a party or just to relax and listen to them talk with his great Irish accent.

3) L I wish you would come to realize that I am not a threat.  I love Supergirl just as much as you do.  Is that really such a bad thing?  Is it a bad thing when Supergirl can have a conversation with me?  Is it a bad thing that I get 10 seconds to Supergirl to myself?  Is it really such a bad thing to keep me in her life when I haven’t done a damn thing otherwise except to walk on egg shells and pussyfoot around issues because I want to stay in her life?

4) L (I know too many of you)  I am glad that we have other things to talk about besides B.  I don’t want to talk  about him, especially to you.  I am tied to him whether I like it or not for years because of Supergirl.  I cannot break my promises like other people.  Don’t bad mouth him to me.  I know.  I don’t need it brought up everytime I see you.  There is much more that we can talk about.

5) L (another L name, going to have to start nicknames for them)  don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad mother.  G has thrived since his diag.   He has grown and he is healthy and happy and he loves you.  You are a beautiful person and friend and mother.

6) J I may talk to you but that doesn’t mean that I forgive you.  I don’t have the anger anymore that I had but I just don’t trust you.  You tell me things and I know that it isn’t the truth.  So go on and keep telling yourself that M calmed you and it is a good thing that he is younger then you.  Because many of us know that you are lieing and that you are full of it.

7) Adoption.  I hate that I know this word.  I hate that I know the feelings that it brings.  I hate seeing how “bad” I am or that many of my friends are “bad” because we placed a child for adoption, whether with or without coersion.  I hate that I know the terminology.  I hate to know what the words mean.

8. to Aparents who just don’t get it.  Your child may or may not have issues.  Open your eyes and realize that just because I placed my child and my friends placed theirs that there is not sorrow and hurt there.  Don’t stick your head in the ground and hum to yourself that since the child was placed there are no issues because there is.  Life isn’t all roses and butterflies.  There are thunderstorms, hail and hurricanes.  Realize this now.

9) Lies.  I mean really.  Don’t lie to get what you want and then turnaround and say that you don’t want it.  You want to know who you are hurting?  Look into that child eyes and tell yourself that you know best until the day those eyes turn towards you in hate because you lied to them.  Then what are you going to say.

10) J, I don’t know how much I can give you.  I don’t know how much I have left.  I would like to try.  I just want you to know J, that it won’t be easy.  I am fragile.  I am hurt.  I have been lied to and just don’t know who or what I can trust anymore.  but I want to try.

Update

I will just write this now and post more about it later with I have the time.

 

I told E about my coworker and told her that I was going to tell L.

 

She told me to wait.

She is trying to get in touch with someone and have a talk with them and if she cannot in touch with them then she will do a follow up with L herself and find out how she thinks it went and talk with her some more.

 

Still walking on egg shells and still not 100% sure as to what is going to happen.

Week recap

So I promised to let everyone know what has been going on.

I had a visit on Monday.

It was so great to see Supergirl again.

But here is the thing.  I was waiting for it to be cancelled.  I shouldn’t have to call my house 3x on my way to the restaurant to see if the visit was cancelled.  I should not be afraid to take a shower because I would miss a phone call telling me it was cancelled.  I should not be afraid to dry my hair because then I would miss a phone call cancelling the visit.

So besides all that it was raining.  It started as I was getting into my car and no asking the goddess to hold the rain off until at least 2pm so that I could be outside with Supergirl and get some pictures of my own.  But no; the goddess was not listening to me that day.

So I get there.

I park my car and noticed as I am pulling in that they are all ready there.  So I go walking in and take a quick look and don’t see them.  L comes walking up to me and Supergirl was following.  Okay lunch is fine.  90 minutes, great memories.  More on how Supergirl is more like me and my family then them on another post.

I go and do some shopping at A.C. Moore and Michael’s and then head home since I was going up to C’s apartment for dinner and some goober time.  Ok, go and start my drive onto the on ramp to the highway and hit a patch of water and begin to go hydroplaning and instead of going off the on ramp and down the embankment I over compensate and do a 180 and go off the on ramp onto the grass.  Slam my knee on the gear shift and my elbow on the arm rest.  I slammed my shoulder on something but I don’t know what.  Get out of my car and look and see how bad my car is.  Besides a bunch of mud and grass in my passenger rim and cracking a piece on my car, it is fine.

It was fixed in about a 1/2 hour and all is well.

Then I go into work on Tuesday and I am showing a coworker a picture of Supergirl and I had told M about her a few months ago she never saw a picture.  She is looking at the picture and goes:  “I know her.” So she tells me how she knows her.  Her son goes to the same school as Supergirl and she is there all the time so she takes pictures and the kids know her and she also takes pictures for different things throughout the year.  She is going to take extra pictures of Supergirl and give them to me.  I now have another way to find out how she is doing when L won’t answer a call and I cannot call to set up a visit.

I apologize

I am sorry for being so remiss and not writing anything. I am working on a few posts and may even post 2 in 1 day.

Do you think you will be able to handle that.

It has been a busy week. I will say this.

visit

car accident

small world news

lack of sleep

insurance

friends

work

pictures